I've had the most tumultuous time these last four days. It's as though I'm on some whirlwind chain of events that will eventually lead up to some climactic ending to a bizarre indie film.

But that's thinking way too hard about things. It's New Years, the artificial starting point for all of us to resolve to be better people. A social construction that allows us to be complete degenerates every year on December 31. Eat one more truffle, drink more drink, do one more line, screw one more ugly man or woman (that you tell your friends about), and ultimately vomit once more into a toilet in a whose house (or city, in some cases) you have no idea.

January 1: A new beginning. We'll be better people in 2007. I'm so disenfranchised right now. So much so that I won't even bother spell checking that word. I've had a carpet pulled from under me - my heart ripped out of my chest and tonight I'll cover that gaping hole in my chest with a shirt that didn't fit me two months ago (21 pounds since November 10... I'm only morbidly obese now) and eat prime rib and drink and find some random girl to make out with at midnight.

So it's pretty much like any given Sunday for the Gooch. The Gooch who is...

out.

Portland man killed at SE Portland bar, The Wetlands


I worked as a bouncer there once, for one night as a favor to a friend. Obviously this occurred on a night I wasn't working. As my friend Julie pointed out, you're not supposed to shoot someone on Christmas.

Bretibart: James Brown dead at 73

Gus Van Sant, director of Good Will Hunting arrested for DUI in Portland (CNN)

One of the cops involved should have said "How about them apples" during the arrest. Gee, Portland Oregon making national news again.

It's Christmas Eve-Eve.

Pee-Wee Herman Christmas Card, 2006

My friend Mike Henry, with whom I started in the writing world back in high school and mentioned in yesterday's blog, showed up in town for the holidays. We went out last night to some pretty mellow places. Got drunk, went home, I sent some drunken emails, passed out, now I gotta go to work.

Miss Nevada Dethroned for THESE PHOTOS [tmz.com]

You're welcome.

goochout

Christmas shopping: I bought my Mom an item then bought a bunch booze as gifts. I think I'm going on a gift certificate spree tonight. I think I got caught up in Christmas so early on (I had a tree before the 1st) that I forget that there's an actual holiday approaching.

MySpace: Isn't working right now.

Tanning: Went this morning, burned my face.

Diet and illness: So I'm kicking my own ass restricting calories and I get a stomach virus (or food poisoning... whatever) which caused me to throw up anything I ate? I can't eat any less; I need to keep down what little I do eat. If I have another South Beach Diet microwave meal I'm going to go on a shooting spree in the heart of South Beach (of course I'll spare my friend Mike Henry). Lost five more pounds in the last week, though.

Christmas Wish Run-on Sentence: I want a gawdamned Burgerville double-meat Tillamook cheeseburger with a double order of fries and, oh, about twenty tubs of the motherfucking special sauce that those cocksuckers started charging $.35/each for and I always forget to ask for them when I order so I have to ask for them at the window and if I don't have any cash I have to use my debit card for a $.70 purchase and I should just buy more than two but I always vow that this visit is my last Burgerville binge for a while and getting a surplus of sauces might sabotage that notion because... oh yeah... I'm gonna start working out tomorrow; this is my last hurrah... a fried orgy in my gut today and healthy living tomorrow because I will not buy ##in. waist pants but a binge today won't make a difference...

Trump vs. Frump: What the fuck is Donald Trump so pissed off at Rosie O'Dykel about? I'm looking into this. Yesterday I saw him going off on Rosie and, well, I couldn't agree more but when he threatened to send someone over to steal her girlfriend away from her... holy shit! If it's all real, I'm probably the biggest Trump fan ever as of... now. If it's not, and this is more contrived bullshit from a staged news conference, then fuck him.

I think my friend Chris did this video of my friend Nikki at a party last weekend. Here's my best friend for you:

I was so... fucking... sick yesterday. I think I feel better today. I couldn't sit up or stand up for more than a minute without passing out. If you look at the last blog I started losing it at the end... no "goochout" and I didn't format the last sentence to be normal sized font. all I did was click "publish" before I hit the couch. I haven't eaten since 8am yesterday morning. Right now I'm licking Theraflu residue from the bottom of my cup.

My ears ring... are you listenin'
forehead sweats... yes it's glistenin'
I puked all last night
This is starting to bite
Living in a Pepto coated land

I gotta work today. There's no getting around it. Those guys on Hood are probably dead, maybe you could send some of that sympathy my way?

I'm kidding. It's the daytime Theraflu talking.

I'm a dick!

goochout

Trump to Miss America: "You're Fine!"

Tara Connor granted a stay of execution during an awkward news conference hosted by Donald Trump. He couldn't fire her. I mean, after all, she needs to meet and have sex with Kyle Reese so that John Connor, leader of the Resistance against the machines can be born.

Oh... that was Sarah Connor?

Donald says she's an alcoholic even though she doesn't know it and no comment on the alleged cocaine use.

TMZ: Tara sinks Trump likes the ink

So we've got cocaine use, underage drinking, and making out with Miss Teen USA? Who better represents the US than this girl?




















THEY MADE OUT, ALLEGEDLY. I JERKED OFF TO THIS PICTURE AFTER I HEARD THAT, ALLEGEDLY .

THIS POST WILL BE UPDATED

This dude I know posted a blog that I like. Click HERE.

Well written and expresses a lot of my own feelings. I, personally, would have made references to prescription pills, strippers, and ultimately discussed retreating to a life sustained by pay-per-view smut; but that's me.

******
Bought water cooler service for my office today. I guess I can waste time standing around it and talking about last night's "Friends." How 1996 of me.

CNN: One climber found dead; two remain missing on mountain

Really unfortunate. Both with the Kim story and now this... we've had two opportunities for kickass happy endings and reality has to kick in.

I'LL SELL YOU THIS MUG

Went to an "ugly sweater" party last night (hence the picture, above). Drank a lot of whatever a bartender friend of mine was mixing. Oh, yeah... and Jager shots. I'm intrigued by the picture because it looks like a picture of me in high school, not a 32 year-old.

Looks like a weight loss ad... before and way before - Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri in Sopranos. Me and Nikki from June and December 2006, respectively. I'm so fucking sick of salads.

Woke up this morning and watched three episodes of Sopranos. Whenever Comcast puts new episodes on On Demand I'll piss away three hours a day until they're watched. Fuck, I love that show. I'm working on writing a full length column on how I believe they're going to end the series. Based on my knowledge of gangster films and their history, and consulting with a book I have on the subject, I think I'll be on the mark.

Gotta go to Mom's house for dinner.

gooch:out

They've added a new feature to the Blogger system (in beta) which hosts the blog portion of this site. Look above and you'll see a search function. If you're a friend of mine, type in your name and see what adventures we've encountered over the last five years. Type in Nikki or Gregster (for example) and you'll get volumes of memories. It's pretty sweet.

***

I asked my Magic 8-Ball as to which email client I should use. It replied "Outlook not so good." Wow, even the 8-Ball is a Microsoft critic.

gooch:idiot

Picking up where Gregster left off:

From his website:

I'm in Seattle. I'm the only one in the office. I'm on the phone with our service guy in Roseburg and we're trying to upgrade the phone system. It's not working. It's 8:30. I want to go home. I'm sick.

I'm not going into work tomorrow.

And that's where I come in. I'll fill in for him in his employer's Portland office, where he normally resides. I am not an employee, but effectively have a desk next to him as we solve computer problems and eat sushi. He's the big picture guy and I'm the ad-hoc desktop support. It's like Batman and Robin without the underlying gay theme.

Except for the sushi. That is kind of gay.

Poor fucker. He's sick and I drank all of his DayQuil that he stashes at his desk. I suggest we switch to NyQuil and try to fight the fatigue while we interact with the end-users. Okay, maybe on casual Friday.

****
I woke up late for the gym this morning but I did go in for tanning and to weigh myself. A weighing that says I've lost officially 14 pounds in a little over a month (unofficially 20), acheiving my first goal. I guess crying yourself to sleep every night does burn calories.

****
Harvey Levin (the fucking man) on out of control celebrities
****
Every Christmas season there's some incident with a neglectful parent and a toddler. Here's this season's holiday treat:

Police: Mom takes dog, leaves kid in car at mall

gooch:out

CNN: James Kim walked 16 miles, not 10 as originally reported.

Wow, it was thought that the ten he walked was "superhuman." I'd have gone about 50 feet and died. My family would have seen me collapse and all grimaced and in unison said "God, what a pussy."

There's also currently three hikers stuck on Mount Hood. Every time Portland is the location of a news story, it's about someone getting consumed by the elements.

If you ain't ever been to the Pacific Northwest
Don't ever come to the Pacific Northwest
'Cause you ain't understand the Pacific Northwest
And stay the fuck out of the Pacific Northwest - From Naughy By Nature's "Everything's Gonna Be Alright"

It's dangerous out here. If the cable's out for ten minutes I'm on the phone with Red Cross and FEMA (one on the land line, the other on the cell).

goochout

I like watching shows that I used to watch as a kid. It's interesting to see television that I last saw as a child through my adult eyes. I'm a lot more cynical these days, although I try to see entertainment for what it is.


The A-Team: Four Vietnam vets, framed for a crime they didn't commit, help the innocent while on the run from the military. They're apparently "soldiers of fortune," but I seldom saw (if ever) cash exchange hands. I guess normally, a group like this would work for drug dealers looking to snuff out competition. They were never really helping out any profitable causes. Orphanages, poor farmers, people that couldn't possibly kick in enough cash to pay for B.A.'s sweet van, nor it's extensive audio/video surveillance equipment. I wrote something once that was a spoof on seventies and eighties decades crime fighting (called "The Genie," in the COLUMNS section above) and one of the elements that I spoofed was the "unexplained" sources of cash that this era of crime fighting seemed to have.

Mr T. as B.A. Barracus made me laugh as I watched an episode last week while I was sick. I mean, they're on the run from the military. Four guys wanted on a federal warrant and one of them is a 250 pound man with a mohawk and $30,000 worth of jewelry around his neck. If I was, say, Face or Hannibal, I'd drop the foo' or have a group meeting about the topic:

Yeah, um, B.A... we wanted to talk to you about the jewelry around your neck. See, we're wanted all over the country. We're keeping a high profile by solving peoples problems. It's not going to be long before someone notices that you resemble that mohawked black guy with 80 pounds of gold on the wanted poster. Maybe tone it down a bit?

I also loved that B.A was the surveillance expert yet he never noticed when the group was slipping him sleeping pills to get him on an aircraft. How'd he get to Vietnam with a fear of flying? It seemed like a lot of the conversations went like this:

A-Team: B.A., we're going to have to fly.
B.A.: I pity the foo' that tries to make me fly!
A-Team: Okay, that's fine. We'll figure something out. Oh, have this glass of milk.
B.A.: Okay, thanks. I like milk.
[B.A. falls asleep.]

You'd think after the 20th time this happened he'd not accept milk pre -poured for him after a request for him to fly.

Don't get me started on Night Rider.

gooch:out

UPDATE: PROBLEM FIXED (PILOT LIGHT:OUT)

My furnace seems to be merely recirculating cold air throughout the house. That can't be good. Is that a cash register I hear in the distance?

gooch:cold

Due to a phone call that I just received with implications to the contrary:

I am not gay.

"I always kind of thought you were..." she said. "I'll love you either way" she said.

I might expand on this later. I might bury this entirely. Not gay.

I'm going to go eat red meat, shoot a gun, and screw a stripper this weekend. It's on my list of things to do now. I might do all three at the same time.

***

An excerpt from an email I drunkenly sent last night:

What's funny is that the stereotype I'm trying to avoid is well... me

It doesn't make sense. It's how I started an email to someone I hadn't heard from since high school. Had nothing to do with the email she sent. Bizarre. I guess I'm a stereotype that I'm trying to avoid.

***

Funniest shit I'd heard all day (yesterday) from my cousin Micah: "This is kind of awkward... Remember how I told you we got your Christmas gift a long time ago? Well it was the box set for season one of Mind of Mencia." It was a goof, but I believed him for a second. Well played, Micah. Well played. Coincidentally, I actually saw the first season of Mind of Mencia for sale at a car wash yesterday.

gooch:notgay

Got drunk last night. First time that's happened in a while. Dammit. I'm pissed at myself. A few drink and dials, a couple drink and emails. Son... of... a... bitch. Fuck. I'm locking myself back in my house. Big TV, no excuse for this shit. Should just stay home. If you hate yourself, is that the opposite of masturbation? I hate myself, but I'll still J.O. I'm like a bad relationship wrapped up in one person.

Going back to bed, where it's safe. From me.

gooch:done

Two things I love are the show Entourage and the cable company's On Demand feature. There's an episode that I watch on a regular basis, Entourage #10: "My Maserati Does 185", that encapsulates several events in my own life recently. Maybe I'll delve into that more later, just a thought while I sit here typing.

I gotta get to work. I'm really sick and I feel like someone has beaten the shit out of me. It's a familiar feeling, but fuck this hurts. It hurts like the time a guy started punching me in the back while I was sleeping on a couch because he got jealous that his step sister (who he'd been trying to find all night) might be fucking one of my friends.

Which he was, allegedly. Punching a sleeping guy; that's awesome. I think Gregster jumped to my rescue that night.

Only in Troutdale.

gooch:ouch.

KGW (Portland's NBC affiliate): James Kim found dead

CNN: Breaking News

It's just a sad story all around. I was really hoping for a miracle outcome on this. I wouldn't have cracked the jokes I did if I didn't think there was a chance of survival.

This sucks.

TMZ: Lane Garrison did several shots before fatal crash

Hey Lane: Johnnie Cochran's dead. You're fucked.

Correction: Carlos Mencia's real name is Ned Holness. He's not a beaner... he's as Mexican as I am black (no sicilian jokes, please). He's half German, half Honduran, and all Asshole. Joe Rogan's rant (linked below in an earlier blog) is good reading.

I was out of it when I wrote this morning's blog. An excerpt:

"I have two important days of work tomorrow."

Wow. I got to work okay. Still feel like shit, but the bills will get paid.

Not for typing on this though. Later.

I hate being sick. I have two important days of work tomorrow and I'm high on Theraflu at 2:30am. See the cartoon about being a contract employee as to why it truly sucks when I'm sick.

I talked to five different friends last night on the phone while I laid on a couch dying and no one uttered anything near the phrase "I hope you feel better." One person called a second time because they needed help fixing their computer. Sure, I'm delirious from copious amounts of cold medicine, but fuck. How shallow an existence I have [wait, who am I, Yoda?]. Too bad it's after 2am, I'd go to the strip club and give a $20 to a stripper and if she asked me if I wanted a couch dance I'd say "no, just pretend like you give a shit for five minutes. Or when the song ends, whichever comes first."

I'm really starting to feel for James Kim, the Californian who got lost with his family while vacationing in Oregon. His family has been found, but he's still wandering out there and searchers are desperately trying to find him. I actually joked with someone earlier yesterday about Kim, a reviewer of and writer of books on electronic handheld gadgets, being lost because he probably used MapQuest, the often questionable online mapping website notorious for getting people lost. Here's an excerpt from an article on CNet, Kim's employer's, website:

The Kims had used Mapquest to map out a route but wanted a scenic route to the coast, Crozier said Tuesday. The visitor center representative who was working that day gave the Kims a map printed off an unidentified Internet site, he said. "She warned them that by the time they got down there (southern Oregon), it would more than likely be dark, and she cautioned them not to take the route," he added.

Holy shit. The guy didn't have a GPS or something? He's rich, he's Asian, he tests gadgets for a living. I'd have guessed one of his many cameras had a built in satellite phone or something.

Stereotypes ahoy!

With my survival skills, I'd have died probably 10-15 minutes after my car went off the road. My survival skills are that unkeen. He's an inspiration to us nerds everywhere.

gooch:out

I hate Carlos Mencia. It's no secret. I found out while listening to Paul Mooney on Howard Stern that Mencia isn't even Mexican. I started doing research and found out his name isn't even Carlos Mencia. It's Ned Mencia and he was born in Honduras. Here's what other people had to say since I'm too fucking sick to write anything right now and DayQuil is the only thing keeping my fingers moving:

Freak Safari

Joe Rogan (I'm not the biggest fan of him, either, but fuck it. I have a fever).

goochout

Actor Lane Garrison, DUI, kills 17 year-old

So Lane Garrison, an actor on the show Prison Break, gets in a one car accident in his SUV which kills a 17-year old boy. Other passengers included two 15 year old girls. The accident happened around 2am and alcohol bottles were removed from the car by police. The actor, 26, wasn't arrested at the time.

He is 26, in case you didn't notice.

He's not even that famous of an actor. How do you wreck a car, show signs of intoxication, kill a kid, and not get booked? Fifteen year old girls? Were the girls going to star in a spinoff of Prison Break called Prison Bait? I hope he ends up in a reality show called Prison Rape.

What a dick.

goochout

For those that don't know, I am a contract employee. I used to feel like time not working was money flying out of my wallet. I turn to drinking during those times. Dulls the pain, it does.

The first thing I do in the morning is read the funny pages. I read everything else, but the comics come first. I think I'm going to start a crusade to get Family Circus out of the paper because there really isn't that much creativity in making up 4-year-old's misspeaks. Seriously, is the entire point of the joke, the big punchline, that Billy said "insistent" instead of "assistant?" That's it? Some guy makes millions of dollars sitting in a room writing shit like "Dolly says 'sammiches' instead of 'sandwiches.'" It'll be a riot! Not on my watch. I'm going to take action.

Tee hee, I'm a dick.

Last night I helped a friend get a Christmas tree, going through all of the things that I avoided by getting a fake tree this year. Picking out the tree; looking for bad spots or sides. Strapping the tree to the roof of the car; trying to look like you have a plan or strategy to secure the tree when you really, in fact, don't. Hauling the tree into the house; looking at the mess it makes from the door to the floor. Cutting off the bottom of the trunk and ultimately getting the tree into those godforsaken stands that expect you to secure an entire tree with finger knobs. In the end, it's a big, beautiful tree and I look forward to decorating it tonight.

I need to go to work. It feels like this is blog is costing me a fortune.

goochout

Happy Birthday Britney Spears: You've accomplished more than most of America has at 25. You've had and put in the way of physical harm more of your children than most 25 year-olds, and the entire world has now seen your vagina. You skank. Instead of using those huge milk bags to feed your children, you're pushing them out of your dress and getting fucked up with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan every night. So... alone you three are nothing, but together you are, in fact, the Three Skanketeers? Do you decide in advance and take turns as to who is going to beav shot the paparazzi while getting out of the car?

You might lose... I mean seriously... you might lose your kids to Kevin Federline. A court in the United States might actually find him more suitable a parent than you. Buy a car seat you bitch. If he gets the kids, it'll mean palimony (my favorite word, ever) checks to him. He'll probably roll the first check into a tube so he and his buddies can take turns snorting blow through it while a $12/hour illegal immigrant watches your kids.

And could the media limit themselves to only, say, ONE reference to "Oops I Did it Again" in their coverage of Britney Spears? If I see a story about her with the headline "She Did it Again!" or "She's Not That Innocent!" I'm really going to go out of my fucking mind.

As opposed to right now, when I'm normal.

Gotta go to work. goochout.

Judge Marilyn Milian from "The People's Court"

I love watching Court Shows. I've been watching court shows since I was in grade school with Wapner and The People's Court. People's Court paved the way for an entire genre of court-reality shows. The latest judge on People's Court is Marilyn Milian who I like but loves to make a big, big fucking deal of the fact that she's hispanic and looks for any given opportunity to speak spanish on her show. I mean, hoop earrings and salsa dancing? Living la vida stereotype. You could make a drinking game of Milian's People's Court by taking a shot every time she speaks spanish, overly anunciates a latino name, says the word "latino," etc. We get it, Milian, you're from Florida.

My favorite show on today is Judge Judy because there is nothing more comforting to me, I mean nothing more comforting than a little jewish lady eloquently telling white trash that they are, in fact, white trash.

Something that I've noticed over the years of watching many different court shows is that whenever there's a white judge, there's a black bailiff. Black judge? White bailiff. Joe Brown, Texas Justice (fucking awful), Divorce Court, People's Court, Judge Mills Lane, etc... Only Wapner and his trusty sidekick Rusty (still on Animal Planet, I think with their combined age of 312) buck this trend.

Speaking of syndicated television... According to Jim just came on. This show is classified as a sit-com but it should be labeled as science fiction because in no way on this natural Earth would a chick like Courtney Thorne-Smith (to whom I jerked off regularly when Revenge of the Nerds 3 was on cable in 1987) ever fuck (or marry) someone like Jim Belushi. Don't get me started on "King of Queens." I've had sex with hot chicks but trust me, there was alchohol involved almost every time. At the very least, alcohol.

Happy Birthday to Anna Nicole Smith and Jon Stewart.

I think I really want to see the new Rocky movie. It goes against everything I believe in, but it's starting to sound really good.

Happy Birthday Ashley.

goochout.

[re-edited 12:40pm]

Joined a new gym last night. It's going to make leaving my former gym similar to a breakup with a girl. "It's not you guys... you've been great. It's just... there's someone else. Closer, and with better amenities. I know it hurts you to think that I took our relationship on a month to month basis but that I did, in fact, sign up for a year with this new gym. You're hurt now, but you'll move on. You have plenty of other members. Don't say anything else... it'll just make this more painful... for both of us. Please... walk away... I'm tires of using ellipses..."

Bought my first Christmas tree since moving in to Wood Village three years ago. It's artificial with white lights. I thought about decorating it with empty Red Bull cans, but I'll opt for something more traditional. Like Coors Light cans.

[As I sit at my kitchen table in front of a laptop and the morning funny pages]
I've pretty much had enough of "The Family Circus." I mean, is there anything creepier about a grown man simply making up cute shit that kids say? Oh, I get it - Billy said "pasketti" instead of spaghetti. So did the second to last stripper I dated [true story... she really said it]. I guess a funnier comic would be my "Dysfunctional Family Circus" where it's just me, my alcoholic friends, some strippers, and a liquor cabinet. This comic would be a one panel like Family Circus except it'd have a hot stripper saying shit like "Daddy says that if he uses a condom, I'll still be a virgin!" and "Do you want to sell me some muskel relaxers?" You get it? She said muskel instead of muscle! Laughter abound!

Went out last night. Been pretty good about limiting my alcohol intake which has helped in keeping me from going to the 24 hour McDonalds and throwing god knows what down my throat. I hate mornings where I wake up to indigestion and have to look for receipts to assertain as to where I went I what exactly I ate and ultimately run out of excuses as to why I'm so fucking fat. I don't eat too much... Drunk Gooch eats too much.

But Drunk Gooch has been on sabbatical, leaving Buzzed Gooch to do things like get a phone number from a married girl (happened last night) and try to do laundry once I get home (if you wash whites in hot and darks in cold, can you wash everything at the same time on warm? Let's find out).

Moderation is a good thing. I don't drink as much or eat as much and I've even switched from hard core porn to late night Cinemax. It's good to be not hungover. I had to go out last night because I slept all day yesterday. I think tryptophan was used by ancient cultures before rohypnol was invented. Yes... a tryptophan joke. Haven't heard too many of them in the last couple of days... laughs ahoy!

Eh, goochout.

I wonder if the people at Pfizer get a lot of Viagra spam. I mean, would the worst job in the world be to be responsible for the spam filter system at Pfizer? Is it even possible to email someone anything containing the words "pharmacy" and "Viagra?" Could a pharmacy even bother using email? No one would receive the messages.

Kramer bursts right through the door of an apartment known as: unemployment.
TMZ: We have Exclusive Video

I had some witty shit to say, I promise, but I'm distracted here at work. Good stuff, though.

goochout

Being a big fat guy on a diet sucks. Food is an addiction and it's the worst possible. I mean, you have to eat. Removing all forms of food from my environment is not an option. It's like telling a recovering cocaine addict that they have to snort a gram a day... oh and never mind the eight balls in the fridge.

Or cupboard. I guess eight-balls in the cupboard would have made more sense. Or candy bowl. Whatever... the point is that I'm eating my eighteenth South Beach Diet microwaveable meal this week - right now as I type this. I've been to South Beach and they don't eat this shit. In fact when I opened my first SBD meal I expected there to be a can of imported beer, sushi, Evian, and some blow instead of the whole grain rice and seasoned chicken that actually emerged.

Wow, another cocaine reference. I'm really working the spectrum of subject matter this morning. Hey, it's an actual blog and not just a lazy posting of a link to a hint of how to save your cell phone after it falls into the toilet.

I've already (it's 9:20am) given one inspirational pep talk already to a self employed person that wants to quit her job and changed her mind. I came off very Tony Robbins like. I feel like I've done something today.

I'm going back to bed and not getting up until tomorrow. I like ending the day on a high note. I should have my high notes occur later in the day.

gooch:out

Check out how much the PlayStation 3 is going for on eBay

I feel like buying a gaming console for the new TV but I think I like the Wii's play style but the PS3's HD ability. Shit, the last console I purchased was my Sega Genesis because its version of Mortal Kombat had blood while the Super Nintendo did not. 1993 called, by the way, they want their games back. Fuck!

I've lost 10 pounds in the last three weeks through diet and exercise. I've been real strict but I think I've accidentally hit a blood sugar low since I'm currently slurring my words and my hands are shaking. Typing this is a bitch. I should have had that bread at lunch but I was with a girl which of course made me nervous which of course made me not eat as much which of course has made me brain dead and sleepy. I'm working late at an office and Gregster is probably going to find me on the floor tomorrow. Oh well.

goochout

How to save your cell phone after you drop it in water

All right... Have it your way, bitch!

Burger King manager guns town teen in restaurant

Went to an office party last night. Had Huber's Spanish coffees and Papa Haydn's desserts. Got drunk for the first time in a while. Still was in bed by 10pm. I work on technology for a living but when I get home I don't want to deal with stuff when I'm off the clock. Right now I have an electronic thermostat on some sort of schedule derived from what I have no idea. Reprogramming it with six unlabeled buttons is something I can't wrap my brain around. So it'll hit 80 degrees at 4am, who cares? I have a nice laptop but I choose this old IBM ThinkPad to browse the web, post blogs, etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it geeks out, and some times it shuts off. It's like the Millenium Falcon of laptops. That's a Star Wars reference. Ed Bradley from 60 Minutes passed away yesterday. His last words were "Wait a minute... I'm gonna die before Mike Wallace? This is bullshit!" Then he went peacefully. I know what you're thinking and I have a response... fuck paragraphs. I got breakfast this morning and talked myself into eating only the salad and not the Ultimate Cheeseburger I purchased in a moment of weakness. It's sitting there staring at me from across the kitchen table. Do you know what it's like to be alone in your kitchen typing on a blog while a cheeseburger keeps saying things like "eat me... I'm not that many calories... it's okay... you're just big boned...?" Of course you don't. I shouldn't know what it's like, but welcome to my world. A world where food talks to you, I guess. You should hear what the bottles of liquor have to say. I'm in my pajamas and I'm contemplating working in this outfit: an old Element hoodie and Jack Daniels print pajama pants and flip flops all day. I don't even want to comb my hair. I have to leave the house eventually, dammit. Working at Montego's (strip club where I sometimes DJ) tonight - 157th and Division - with my friend Ryan (bartender). Check it out, yo. And bring your dollar bills. If you're wondering what mp3 player that Fergie (slutalicious) and Pussycat Dolls (slutsalicious) are shamelessly product placing in their videos, it's the Samsung K5. I'd love to know what the compensation was for that. Therei is nothing sacred in music anymore. Or television for that matter. I used to get sick of the product placements in shows like 90210 but they're creeping into everything. They're going to start putting commercials inside of other commercials. They're going to open a Starbucks in a Starbucks. I've gotta go do something productive. goochout.

Britney breaks up with Federline via a text message on his Blackberry

Obviously he doesn't have Nextel, otherwise he probably wouldn't have gotten the message until Friday, if at all.

Received an email from a friend regarding the status of Jared Dullum, a fellow Franklin H.S. (Portland, OR) alum. Here's the latest off of google, an indictment filed in New Jersey in October (Adobe Reader required):

Click HERE to view the document.

Congratulations, Marty and Carly on their new baby boy born yesterday.

Happy birthday, Q-Ball. Or as I've known him since I was six: Ryan. He and I are working together at Montegto's (strip club) at 157th and Division this Friday from 8pm (He's bartending, I'm DJing) to close.

Sometimes when a cool comment is left, I'll repost it to the main blog page. Here's one in response to my poem (obviously):

Your poem is nice,
I really must say.
It gave me a smile,
It brightened my day.

You say you're a bachelor
and I must agree
But true love will soon find you -
this you will see.

Soon there will be someone new
in your bed.
She'll turn off HER lamp,
and kiss your big head. (????)

I think you will meet her
sooner than later.
She, too, will love sushi,
jack and darth vader.

You'll giggle for hours,
you'll watch your huge TV,
She'll cook you a nice dinner,
You'll fix her PC.

But how do you know, Jules?
What's the deal? Why?
The simple fact is, Gooch -
you're a nice guy.

Moved to East County early
in two thousand three

Ex Girlfriend decided our apartment
Didn't belong to me

A relationship ends
"Let's still be friends"

Woke up with morning Wood Village
So to a condo I moved
Unemployment soon proved

Imminent.

My employer's parting words:
"Let's still be friends"

A summer of like soon ensued
To Waitresses and bartender chicks
my eyes were glued

A bottle of Jack in my left hand
An unemployment check in my right
I got pretty drunk almost every night

Got a job as a bouncer
and a strip club announcer
All perks, no cash
Life in 97060:
The wind got blown
And so did I

Couldn't find a real job
so I made one up
Fixing computers
Next to a tattoo shop

Self employment
Has taken me pretty far
Just bought a TV
Cost more than my first car

People say I'm getting old
And should settle down
They're not scaring me
I'm too busy trying to keep up with my hero
Ron Jeremy

Single is nice
Jerking off is the biggest price
Wake up in the morning and tough decision:
Get a massage?
Watch a DVD of Entourage?
Make a collage? (wait... what the fuck? Nevermind)

I'd like to find a nice girl
To call mine
Or maybe find a rich girl
And cross the Feder
Line

I need a headache like I need a wife
One thing is obvious:

I'm a bachelor for life

This is why I want to adopt a sixteen year old: Click HERE

So there's a Lexus now that parks itself. It literally parallel parks itself. I don't know if this is a good idea. Isn't this how Terminator got its start? Isn't anyone else afraid of the machines becoming self aware or intelligent? Will they begin communicating with each other through Bluetooth (is it Bleutooth in France)? They start taking over and we're stuck in a post-apocalyptic world filled with Lexuses (Lexusi?) looking to exterminate the humans. And parallel parking themselves. I don't want my car to parallel park better than me.

Del Taco actually uses the verbiage "munchies" when referring to when their food is good. It's actually horrible but it's good to see they're marketing directly to the pot heads and trying to pull dope-head market share from Taco Bell.

goochout

Bee Gees "Too Much Heaven" is playing on the Muzak. I'm in a Gentle Dental wating room waiting for my friend to get done with her root canal. There's a strip club across the street that apparently opens at 7am. I've chosen to use my Sprint PCS high speed internet card and, I don't know, check my email and MySpace about fifty times so far. I've also shopped on eBay, VPNed into a customer's network and checked on things there. It's amazing what you can get done and how much time can be pissed away with portable internet.

I'm back at the strip club working as a DJ. One night: 11.10.06.

Dating is funny. I think I've surrounded myself with female friends that don't want me but don't want anyone else to want me, either. I'm swimming in a sea of cock block. The strip club is like an island in that sea.

More to come. Going to a gym to drop some weight so that someone might have sex with me without being under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

goochout.

The lady at the hot dog stand told Greg and me that she went to an Ethiopian restaurant over the weekend. I'd heard of these places. I'm guessing the portions are really, really small. I didn't ask. A restaurant from a starving nation? They should do a Malawia themed restaurant where a Madonna impersonator snatches your kids.

I think I've said it before and I believe it's true that I know that I've fallen in the "Friend Zone" with a girl I'm seeing when she goes from calling me "John" to "Gooch." It just happened in an email. Fuck. It's funny that I have no intention on getting a girlfriend but I noticed that I've subconciously set my bedroom up as though a second person sleeps there. Dual lamps with individual dimmers, two nightstands. It's a drastic change to the layout of the room since I moved in three years earlier. Only thing left is a second alarm clock(?).

gooch:whatever.

I have a new 42" plasma TV and the cable company for some reason gave me a cable box with all channels enabled for free. I have more television than I know what to do with and yet I still went out last night, got drunk and called myself and left a message. Here's a transcript of my apparent joke:

I chopped up and snorted viagra one day and my nose got bigger.
I told a friend what I'd done and he said "you're lying to me."
I said "How would you know?"
He pointed to my nose.
It was then I understood the true meaning of irony.

It's kind of funny... weird. Who wakes up in the morning, checks his voice mail and gets a message from themselves. Well, apparently, this guy. I'm not leaving the house again.

goochout.

I wonder if it was Doublemint gum? The irony is too much.

A brotherly fight over gum has ended in tragedy for a Columbia family.

The 14-year-old twin boys were apparently arguing over chewing gum when one brother picked up a kitchen knife and stabbing the other in the chest.
Their mother tried to administer CPR but the boy died despite her efforts.
The sheriff says the surviving teen is very sorry for his actions.

When you've made a stupid mistake or have a bad day, think of this news story:

Casino mogul Steve Wynn Accidentally pokes hole in painting a day before he sells it for $132 million.

Makes the time I dropped a customer's laptop computer in front of him look not so bad.

gooch:out

Real things overheard in restaurants/bars:

[Queen's We Will Rock You] starts playing (loudly) on the jukebox at a bar

Girl: Awesome! Good Billy Squier song.
Me: Actually this is Queen.
Girl: Really... oh right, it is Queen.
Man: Queen? I love Eddie Vedder.
Me: Who?
Man: Eddie Vedder.
Me: It's Freddy Mercury.
Man: Oh, well same first name.
Me: No... Freddy.

*****

[Woman eating at sushi restaurant, talking to her friend]
"My husband Bill and I don't eat red meat, so we ordered Chicken Cordon Bleu and just ate around the ham."

I assure you that the above conversations and excerpts thereof are true and actually heard by me. Stop the world, I want to get off.

gooch:the other red meat

I'm typing this blog on my new 42" Plasma screen television. I've hooked up my computer to the TV and this is how I plan on computing from home from now on.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure can finance the shit out of it.

I've played Atari 2600 Space Invaders using an emulator. I love taking the latest technology and throwing old school tech at it I've hooked up my LaserDisc player as well.

I must say that I spent the day with my friend Julie and it was a great day. The sales lady alluded to Julie that I make her happy as if we are in a relationship and we decided that we are in the best relationship of our lives because we are not, in fact, in a relationship.

Well, I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed. good night.

goochout.

My battery died at my office after I loaded up to head for an evening job. My friend's Dad graciously came out and jumped me so I could head 20 miles away to Clackamas where I worked until midnight.

Then my car wouldn't start.

Then it wouldn't jump.

So to a bare mattress I went. I actually slept well without the distractions of TV or radio.

Or strippers.

So now I sit waiting for someone to wake up at this office (it's actually a large house that a penny stock PR company is leasing as office space) to take me to the store to buy stuff so I can change my battery.

Great start to a great day. The server work I did last night went great, though.

JG

Economics 101 with Professor Gooch:

Revenue: party.

Expenses: hangover.

Diminishing Marginal Utility: "I'll never drink tequila again."

Supply and Demand: Fewer girls makes uglier ones more screwable.

The blackjack tables have not been kind. Look... another picture of me drunk while wearing a bridal veil:Thanks, Nikki for the pic.

goochout.

Cartman: Clyde, Clyde! If you had a chance right now to get back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right? - From last night's episode of South Park titled "Make Love Not Warcraft," which was the sweetest fucking episode ever.

I'm downloading it off of Lime Wire right now. If I use PDX bandwidth to pirate video, is it a bigger offense?

I had a conversation with a couple of girls about what the difference between first degree, second degree and third degree sodomy would be. Maybe it's the size of the penis involved? Fuck, I'd only get pegged with a misdemeanor.

Dammit.

Approaching hour 4 of being in an airport terminal. My mind is starting to wander. I wonder if I have a chance with the absolute piece of ass Barista at Coffee People 20 feet from me. I wonder if the people behind me are reading this. I wonder if Mark Foley can give a good blow job. I wonder if I can't get a girlfriend, or if I just don't want one. I wonder what my life would be like if I did something simple like run a hot dog stand or anything that didn't involve Microsoft. My laptop wouldn't boot for this session. I had to do things that normal users wouldn't think to do necessarily just to get my desktop. I guess this is why I have a job. Or, more accurately, I guess that's why I was able to make up a job. I wonder if my ex, Cheryl, has gained more respect for me as a person than when we were together. I wonder if having sex with a lot of people only proves that you have low self-esteem. I wonder if getting drunk all the time only proves that you have little self control. I wonder if the Blackjack tables will show me some respect this weekend.

Being stranded at PDX is sort of a blessing in disguise. This forced solitude is sort of okay. I like friends and family... shit like that. However, I think a lot of people would kill to have four unobstructed hours by themselves with a laptop with a full battery.

Missed my flight to Reno. Five hours I have to spend in this godforsaken airport. The liquid ban is still in effect and every asshole in front of me packed their lotion, contact solution, bottled water... What a fucking hell. Why can't people check baggage and include in their bags ANYTHING REMOTELY POSSIBLY MIGHT BE BANNED FROM BEING CARRIED ON A PLANE. They only allow 3 ounces of liquid so arguing with the TSA agent that the bottle is almost empty takes time. TIME. They're banning liquids when they should be banning screeching babies from the TSA line. Remember when the worst thing about flying was trying to open the bag of peanuts? Fortunately PDX has wifi and I have my laptop.

Gonna buy me some magazines. And a taco.

gooch:stranded

Heading to Reno this weekend for the Columbus Day celebration there. The house is a mess, I'm pretty sure I have enough cash on me, I've done little to prepare for this outing. It'll be the first real-life use of my Sprint wireless/dsl card with my laptop.

I set up a security camera in my house and I forgot it was on. I got the unique opportunity to watch myself put on a sweatshirt, make and eat breakfast (leftover Prime motherfuckin' Rib from Roadhouse, 'cause that's how I roll... right into cardiac arrest).

If you hit mute while watching a Fergie video, you can totally jerk off to it. Funny shit... Fergalicious (or whatever the hell it's called) sounds just like JJFad's "Supersonic" which came out when Fergie was in the seventh grade. "London Bridge" sounds like (and with Fergie's recurring supporting dancers ala Gwen Stefani's Hajakuru girls, the video looks like) Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl."

"Black Eyed Peas is hip-hop for people that don't like rap." - Playboy review

Let's get retarded, indeed.

goochout

Heading to Reno this weekend for the Columbus Day celebration there. The house is a mess, I'm pretty sure I have enough cash on me, I've done little to prepare for this outing. It'll be the first real-life use of my Sprint wireless/dsl card with my laptop.

I set up a security camera in my house and I forgot it was on. I got the unique opportunity to watch myself put on a sweatshirt, make and eat breakfast (leftover Prime motherfuckin' Rib from Roadhouse, 'cause that's how I roll... right into cardiac arrest).

If you hit mute while watching a Fergie video, you can totally jerk off to it. Funny shit... Fergalicious (or whatever the hell it's called) sounds just like JJFad's "Supersonic" which came out when Fergie was in the seventh grade. "London Bridge" sounds like (and with Fergie's recurring supporting dancers ala Gwen Stefani's Hajakuru girls, the video looks like) Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl."

"Black Eyed Peas is hip-hop for people that don't like rap." - Playboy review

Let's get retarded, indeed.

goochout

Heading to Reno this weekend for the Columbus Day celebration there. The house is a mess, I'm pretty sure I have enough cash on me, I've done little to prepare for this outing. It'll be the first real-life use of my Sprint wireless/dsl card with my laptop.

If you hit mute while watching a Fergie video, you can totally jerk off to it. Funny shit... Fergalicious (or whatever the hell it's called) sounds just like JJFad's "Supersonic" which came out when Fergie was in the seventh grade. "London Bridge" sounds like (and with Fergie's recurring supporting dancers ala Gwen Stefani's Hajakuru girls, the video looks like) Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl."

"Black Eyed Peas is hip-hop for people that don't like rap." - Playboy review

Let's get retarded, indeed.

goochout

Customer serves to tech support,Tech Support volleys to System Administrator, System Administrator sets it up for Tech Support, Tech Support spikes it back to Customer.

This is how my Tuesday morning from 8:00 to 8:15 began. Oh, SysAdmin: Customer wants to discuss off-site backup with us.

I watched a movie last night called The Tao of Steve. It's about a fat guy who gets laid a lot. I don't know why I enjoyed the movie so much. I felt a connection... can't put my finger on it.

Goochout.

Foley Enters Rehab

The White House and Democratic leaders in Congress are calling for a criminal probe into former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley's sexually suggestive electronic messages to teenage boys working as pages in the House of Representatives.Foley, of Florida, said Monday that he has checked himself into a rehabilitation facility and is undergoing treatment for alcoholism."The events that led to my resignation have crystalized recognition of my longstanding significant alcohol and emotional difficulties," Foley said in a faxed message WPBF. (PDF: Fax To WPBF)"I strongly believe that I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and related behavioral problems," Foley said. "On Saturday, with the loving support of my family and friends, I made arrangements to enter a renowned in-patient facility to address my disease and related.

I'm so fucking sick of people blaming booze for their fucking problems. What a chickenshit diversion to the fact that this asshole is a pedophile. "I got caught IMing a 16 year old boy so... I'd better get treated for alcoholism?" Where the fuck did this come from? And... it's embarrassing that the media even reports that he checked himself into rehab. If he drank, drove, hit a tree... then rehab might be a great spin. What's the next step, be on the cover of People saying "Sorry... I'm rehabbed now!"

Asshole.

It's 2am. I have to be at Gregster's at 6am to roll to a computer installation job in Salem so that we can be done in time to go to a roller derby event. I have five monitors stacked in my hallway and Greg's got five computers in his garage. I got the easy end of the product acquisition portion of the job.

There's time to sleep when you die? Fuck, I like sleep. I only got three hours Thursday night. I had dinner with my Dad Friday afternoon and went next door to the restaurant where my office and, more importantly, my hide-a-bed are located and slept until midnight.

I'm thinking about writing a book: "How to Live in Portland on $200 a day." Dating, drinking, eating steak, and strip clubs. How do I justify it? Hey... it's not like a have a coke addiction.

So now I'm up, home, had some Carl's Junior, watching some E! channel. Been a busy week. End of the month, office day Sunday - gotta get billing out. I never thought I'd be working this hard/much without adult supervision. I guess this is growing up.

Happy Birthday to Marvin Lee Aday (click name for imdb.com link).

A few post scripts:

Props to Gregster... I mean Giggery for supplying the cabin in which the group stayed this last weekend.

Julie: I'm not sure what an ode is, now that I think about it.

I paid the Landlord (of comments fame) for this and next month's rent, lest anyone infer that I was broke.

goochout.

Gooch: The Blog 9/26/1984: Saw Purple Rain this week... finally. Man, I would fuck the hell out of Appolonia. I don't know what's more gay... Prince or the purple motorcycle he rides in the movie. Man, I give that guy's career another couple years, tops. I don't know what it is, you have to look like a chick to get chicks. This sucks. Also, I've determined that I'll never figure out the Rubik's cube, so I've decided to move on. Yeah, I see you fuckers at recess, and yes it's evident that you have superior intelligence because you got all six sides matching colors. Great way to spend the day, you schmucks. I couldn't find my calculator watch this morning, which sucks. I did wake up wondering which Go-Go I want to impregnate. Wow, I have a lot of sexual energy for being 10 years old. I'm sure that will go away soon. I can't imagine going through life wanting to pork everything that moves. Did I just say pork?

It's always a toss up between Belinda and Jane.

This is a fucking shame.

Church made famous in Blues Brothers movie destroyed in fire.

I'm so refreshed. I layed on the beach and looked at the stars. I saw a shooting star and made a wish. My wish? Another shooting star. Then I'd wish for another one on top of that... then the next one. Sweet. I also walked along the sand, joined in making s'mores at a campfire on the beach and slept longer then I had in the last two weeks.

Someone put a large billboard on top of an antique shop in Lincoln City (Oregon, where I stayed) with black on white text stating "PORN PUTS CHILDREN IN HARM'S WAY" with a silhouette of a man with both arms chasing the silhouettes of a little boy and girl.

GOOCH WITH JENNA JAMESON, CIRCA 1997

Porn doesn't put anything but maybe Kleenex in harm's way. No one watched a Jenna Jameson movie and decided to pump a three year old. When you make statements so ridiculous you only get ignorant people to believe in your cause. You only get people who don't think to ask "why or how does porn put children in harm's way?" I wouldn't want people like that on my team.

A big shout out to Julie who is leaving Pub 181 to pursue nursing school full time. Free at last, indeed.

Sorry if the last blog left people feeling... dirty. I'm much better now.

goochout.

I... have to get... away ... from you fucking people.

Stressed out. Didn't get the massage I needed. Perhaps I'll meet a girl on the Oregon Coast (where I'm going). Perhaps I'll let her tell me about her dreams of "moving to the big city" of Portland. Maybe I'll promise to take her there. Maybe I'll tell her I own Gallucci's (coincidentally, my last name) Pizzeria in Lincoln City and I'm opening one in Portland and I'll hire her to... I don't know... manage the store or something I think of at that moment where I climax in bullshit. I'll invite her back to the cabin where I'm staying and pour her a drink (so you're twenty-one, right?) I'll invite her upstairs and ask her to rub my neck a little. Once the fucking knot is out of my neck and the tension headache that I've had for two weeks has disappeared and things start progressing romantically I'll stop everything and tell her she can wait outside for a cab. "What's the big deal? It's not raining."

That was a free write. I didn't know where that was going but that's what ended up on the page.

tee-hee indeed.

goochout

I came home to a clean house today. I left it a fucking mess this morning. I had a housekeeper clean up today. I could not have possibly got my house this clean by myself. I do not have the ability. It was like coming home to a wife or girlfriend without the aggravation.

g.o.

Customers stiffing me on $1400.00...

Contract employees showing up late to jobs...

Wheres my WWTMD* bracelet?



*What Would Tony Montana Do?

Happy Birthday, Tony Soprano

I edited my MySpace page. Finally.

Bounty hunter Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman arrested

Charges involve an alleged kidnapping three years ago

The US Marshals got him, yet the Fashion Police and vigilante barbers have been chasing him and his wife for years.

Props to Dino for the tip.
goochout.

Social Drinking Boosts Income
"Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks."

Fuck yeah.

goochout

I wish my name was "Point Oh Eight" so everyone would blow me.

First blog from my Blackberry.

Goochout.

But have you seen the pictures? Click on the "PICS" link in the often missed menu above to see some cool stuff. There's pertinent stuff like photo memories from 9/13/01, and fun stuff like pictures of me with porn stars.

People have asked me why I put the "Black Eyed Gooch" picture above my last post. The truth is, I have no fucking Idea. Maybe the pic above would have been better.

Interesting week. Have yet to let booze touch my lips. The bet was whoever drank first... so I'm devising a way to actually mainline Stoli into my arm.

Saw some MusicFest this weekend. Finished a big job Saturday. I spent a shitpot full on car repairs and prescription eyewear this last week. So... I work. A lot. It's good. Keeps me out of trouble, get to meet new and interesting people, and bill them.

This Saturday hoping to have a workout, tan, hair, massage day. Haven't had a full day off in a while. It'll be good. Kind of gay now that I see it in print.

Wow, this post is really boring and it sucks. I can't sleep. Haven't taken my meds either during the last few days, so I'm completely without chemical alteration.

I'm going to go back to bed and relinquish this bandwidth to someone who really needs it.

goochlame.

Paris Hilton gets a DUII? Didn't see that coming. I've mentioned this before, but Paris Hilton's Mother hosts a show called "I Want to be a Hilton." In the show, Kathy Hilton teaches white trash how to be classy. She's an authority on being classy because... she married a rich guy and spawned the biggest slut on the planet? Paris Hilton claims that she has only slept with two men. What... at a time? So, to the Hilton Matriarch... perhaps you should spend less time teaching Okeys how to stick their pinky out when drinking tea and more time keeping Grey Goose and on-camera cock out of your daughter's mouth.

A friend of mine and I made a bet to see who could go the longest without drinking. If I drink first, I have to take her to dinner. If she drinks first, she has to make out with me. A good choice on my part because, well, she'd probably have to be drinking to make out with me anyways.

So I sat at a bar tonight and bought sat with two hot chicks and bought them beers while I drank... soda. Diet Coke tastes really fucking funny without Jack Daniels.

The best thing I ever wrote (I think) to date: Click HERE

goochout.

"Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin Killed by Stingray

Crikey... indeed.

Somewhere right now Paul "Crocodile Dundee" Hogan is waking up in a Subaru Outback somewhere with a bunch of empty Fosters cans on the floorboards.

G'Day?

Not so much.

I've been reading about this incident and from what I can ascertain, there's footage of the killing on camera. We'll have to wait until it's leaked on LimeWire before we can see it.

Fucked up.

I'm pulling items from the somewhat obscured "comments" section and reposting them on the main blog page for items regarding Jared Dullum. - g

Brother Jared, long time no see. When i heard, I knew there was no way you could have done anything of this nature. From all i have talked to, the class of '92 is standing behind you bro.

Gillies

I keep having a feeling that I'm going to wake up next to Cheryl at our apartment in Parkrose and say:

Me: "wow... I had the weirdest dream."

Cheryl: "What was it?"

Me: "You and I broke up, I got laid off... I bought a condo in Wood Village."

Cheryl: "Where's that?"

Me: "Who knows? Anyways, I sold my Subaru..."

Cheryl: "Yeah right."

Me: "No, I sold the Subaru, moved to Wood Village, worked as a bouncer, DJed a strip club, started a computer consulting business..."

Cheryl: "But you don't like computers..."

Me: "I know. Anyways, remind me not to eat Mexican before bed again."

Life can be very unpredictable, indeed.

In case anyone missed this from the comments portion of this blog:

This is Jared [from the "ex secret service agent news links/blogs from earlier this week] and thanks for the support. I maintain my innocence 100%. There has been no loss to any bank, no loss to any estate and I am the same guy you all knew in school.

I appriciate all of your support!

Jared

Darth Vader Light Saber replica from ThinkGeek.com with realistic light and sounds sampled from actual movie: $90.00 (including shipping).

Blackberry 7520 for Nextel with walkie-talkie capability off eBay: $150.00

Fossil Abacus watch with Palm OS built into watch (a Palm device on your wrist) off of eBay: $50.00










Being a total fucking geek with a PayPal account (I bought all this shit in one week): Priceless.






Fuck priceless... obviously it costs about $300. Gooch at 20 wants to travel to the future and kick Gooch at 30's ass.

And steal his lunch money.

goochout.

It's amazing the amount of response I've gotten from the Jared Dullum stories I linked to below. The majority (including myself) believe that it's somehow another Jared
Dullum that is 32 and became a Secret Service Agent and was living on the east coast.

It is, in fact, the one with whom my friends and I went to high school. We did not ever see this coming. Nice Mormon kid, straight A's. Do you know what kind of life you have to lead to become a Secret Service Agent? Neither do I, but I'm sure it's exemplary.

All I can think of is that our collective denial would be nonexistent if it was, say me in the news.

Jared Dullum under investigation for fraudulently collecting pension checks from a dead lady: "No... can't be him... no way... I don't believe it..."

John Gallucci under investigation for some white collar crime: "Well... saw that coming... only a matter of time... that fucker owes me $20..."

I hate you guys.

goochout.

P.S. Ashley, give me a call or send me your MySpace link again.

I had a girl over for a dinner that I prepared myself. I barbecued a coho salmon with a brown sugar/garlic/butter sauce and it came out phenomenal. Add "party bread" with her choice of spinach dip or fondue (she chose fondue)and a salad (oh my god... you like blue cheese... I like blue cheese!) and it was a fantastic dinner that I'm sure my housekeeper is going to hate cleaning up.

You should see me squirm when I'm with a girl I actually like. It's awesome. I'm nervous and self conscious and when I go in for a kiss good night it looks like an eighth grader sneaking a kiss during a slow song at the year-end dance.

Going to do my post date ritual of going to the strip club.

goochout.