Disciples:

You have to understand something. I hate everyone on Facebook. Seriously. If you're on Facebook, the odds are stacked against you that I like you.

I'm already spotting the flaw in my logic. Sure, if I hated everyone on Facebook, then I wouldn't be on Facebook at all. Exceptions include: Anyone in my family, my friends' kids' photos that are few and far between and not shoving every breath of your fucking child down the throat of my social media pipeline. Some people, because they're genuinely, well, genuine, show the occasional photos of their children doing things like carving pumpkins or going off to their first day of school. I like this. I have "friends" on Facebook that I don't know who the fuck they are. Yet, inexplicably, I love seeing the milestones their children surmount.

Others think that every fucking toddler sneeze, cough, and bowel movement needs to be documented on the interweb. Fuck you and fuck you for projecting your narcissism on your children. You're merely setting them up for a life of self absorbed douchiness.

And, speaking of douchiness: The fact that you take pictures doesn't automatically make you a professional photographer. Seriously... Every shithead with a 6MP camera that takes a picture of a tree in black and white thinks they're a motherfucking Ansel Adams. You're a schmuck with a consumer grade camera. Get over yourself.

Oh, and the rest of you: If you're taking multiple photos of yourself a day doing different routine activities because you genuinely think that the general public (your 2000 "friends") will find those photos of you drinking coffee and looking into a computer interesting... I hate you. I may be your Facebook "Friend," but I literally hate you and I observe your posts the way a teenager smells his own farts. I know it will be gross, but I somehow feed on your absurdity.

I almost posted pictures of examples of those I hold such vitriol towards. I refrained, not because I'm a humanitarian. But rather, simply, I'm not shitfaced enough.

eff:off

gooch:out

Seven Stages of Grief as experienced by me this morning:

1) I can't believe I left my cell phone at home today.

2) I let myself and others down by leaving my cell phone at home today.

3) I'm very upset that I left my cell phone at home and would change my life for the better if it would somehow make the phone appear on my desk.

4) I miss having my cell phone with me.

5) You know... I might be okay without my cell phone.

6) I can work around this... my phone's contacts/phone numbers are accessible on my laptop and I can use an office phone to make calls.

7) I've accepted the fact that I don't have my cell phone with me and I concede that my day will never be the same, but I'll find a way to move forward.

(Originally posted on Facebook 10/15/2011)

Tweet that didn't make it:

So, do Native American strippers actually make it rain?

I feel as though this joke HAS to have been made before. And, I don't like making too many stripper comments on Facebook and Twitter. You know, I don't want to get a reputation.

Gooch:Out

Wait, what?

What have I done lately:

After a successful (read: I didn't hock my plane ticket for some gambling scratch and road coke) trip to Vegas, I slipped back into Portland obscurity. I prefer Vegas obscurity to Portland obscurity because, well, it's Vegas.

I like Vegas for reasons other than most. I mean, I like clubs, gambling, good food and soaking the front of my shirt with vodka and stripper glitter. Sure, I like swimming pools with live DJs and drink specials at 1pm. But there's more to it than that.

I mean, not much more. We (girlfriend and I) stayed in New York New York where, once we stepped out of the elevator, a world of food and retail awaited us. We never had to leave the climate controlled confines of our hotel. Ben and Jerry's, Haagen Dazs, gourmet pretzels, a Nathan's Hot Dog restaurant, an arcade, a roller coaster... they can even put your picture in three dimensions inside a crystal cube. HOW THE FUCK DO THEY DO THAT? New York New York is a magical place. Word the hotel has started construction on a themed rollercoaster using two miniature fiberglass747s passing through miniature buildings has proven untrue. In a related story, plans for a similarly themed nearby hotel called "Iraq Iraq" have been scrapped. That sucks, because I was looking forward to getting my drink on at the Allah Ack-Bar and Grill.

Wakka wakka... indeed.

And I love Starbucks. I know that their coffee grounds are the largest example of profitable mediocrity to ever have hot water run through it. I know that the food is only good due to its convenience and pairing with coffee. Truth be told, I love watching Starbucks employees pretend like they're genuinely concerned about my day and overall well being. I have a lot of friends... none of them can match the sincerity (albeit feigned) of a barista's inquiries into how my work day is. I reciprocate, and of course I'm informed every day is a great day at Starbucks. It should be. Water filtered through dirt at the same price-per-ounce as black tar heroin should make any corporation and their employees just fucking ecstatic.

Speaking of work, I need to feed my own little S-Corp some billable hours. Off to the races. Peace in.

Gooch out.

2:50pm I've edited this post at least four times now.

Ch Ch Ch changes

Before

After

 I haven't watched the porn in a while. Can someone explain to me what the hell happened to Carmella Bing? Oh, and if you give me any of that "real women have curves" bullshit about the atrocity pictured above I will throw you out the fucking window. Or, if you say that and  you look like the picture on the right, I'll get four of my friends to help me throw you out the fucking window. And I'll get a bigger window.

Something was getting funky with the old Blogger profile, so I picked this earthy layout. It's kind of nice/refreshing. It looks like the establishing shot of a douche commercial. How apropos.

I fixed the tweet gadget to the right. Seriously, I love tweeting. I like the entire process of thinking of something that I find amusing and editing the hell out of it to fit 140 characters. It's my crossword puzzle... my sudoku. I sit there, changing words, cutting out unnecessary parts, and trying to make sure that what I think was funny still comes out of the final edit/tweet. Also, the tweets (most of which I do from my phone while driving on the freeway) simulcast to both this page and my Facebook. This means that I reach around 1000 people, which is more than I would reach when I wrote for print media a while back.

Which reminds me: I wanted to write for print media per my New Year resolutions. There used to be so many print publications. I remember going to a restaurant downtown and you'd grab four or five different rags to peruse while you ate your Speedo Burrito (RIP Macheesmo Mouse). Now it's Portland Tribune, Willamette Week, the Mercury, and that's about it. No Oregon Cycling, no Oregon Comic News, no Jam Magazine. Read: No one that would publish me. I do have a line on one publication, but I have to plan thoroughly before I approach.

I'm going for a run this morning. I don't run as much as I should, considering I have a 5K to run in the next month or so. I should be running three times a week and as of late I've run about three times in August. I'm in trouble.

I'm getting very crotchety as I approach forty. I need to stay off of the Facebook. I'm finding a lot of stuff annoys me when it shouldn't. One thing that I find a lot of in real life and on social media is the [REDACTED]. Had a bunch of stuff typed but found that it may be personally inflammatory to some people. I may be crotchety, but I also have some discretion.

I gotta run...


goochout.

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors...

God does, in fact, have a sick sense of humor.

Sarah Cheek

I mean, to have the last name of "Cheek" when you have a full facial birthmark on the side of your face is fucked up. It's like a fat kid with the last name of "Tubb," or me if I had the name "Smallpenis" (which I'm pretty sure is what "Gallucci" translates to in Italian). For Chrissakes... I have a smaller (albeit hairier, I'm assuming) birth mark on my shoulder and I was tormented as a kid for having that. Sarah Lynn Cheek, 34 (pictured above), was arrested for leaving a five-year-old in her care outside of a bar while she had a few drinks. Anyone else should get the book (and a brick) thrown at them. This woman should just get a warning. I would have a vodka I.V. just to deal with the adolescent torment that she certainly endured. As it stands, I simply inject myself with Jack Daniels once every morning with a diabetes kit I probably should be using for, you know, insulin.

Full Story: HERE

goochout.

ping

Hey, how's it going?

Officiating a wedding this Saturday at Oxbow park. I hope I fit into one of my suits for the event. I just got a call that I may be DJing the wedding as well. My first combo gig. I've waited my entire 24 month DJ career for this chance.

 I've been substituting breakfast and lunch with freshly made juice consisting of kale, lemon, apple, celery, cucumber, and ginger. Then I eat dinner. You're supposed to fast for ten days on nothing but the juice, but social engagements make it so I'm eating in the evening.

I'm also training to run a 5K that I'm signed up for in October. I've actually run five kilometers on a flat track (35 minutes) and I've run on a 2.2 mile nature trail with a long hill that seems to kick my ass. The fact that I've actually run non stop for 35 minutes blows my mind. I get winded driving for 35 minutes.

Not a lot else to report. Low blood sugar and lack of alcohol has kept the tweets and the funny at bay.

I'm out.

gooch

If she parties this hard after her kid disappears...

She absolutely has to be good in bed.

Casey Anthony: Not Guilty?

Remember that's not the same as "she didn't do it."

I blew up Twitter today with some jokes that really might as well have been rehashed OJ Simpson jokes. Check out Twitter on the right.

My Twitter simulcasts to Facebook and the joke I wrote about the Sports Memoribilia was sort of copied and pasted all over the place. I mean, if you're a Facebook "friend" of mine then I'm going to see that you copied and pasted something I wrote and, while money is not at stake here, you should at least attribute the quote to the person that wrote it.

I've only said something once because the offender is a notorious douche that needs to be called out on shit in public because he's such a dick. Otherwise, when someone posts something on Facebook as their own something that I have written and people compliment that person on how funny they are or asking "where do you come up with this stuff" and there's no mention of the mentally ill man that is me who sits at lunch actually thinking up and typing 140 characters into his phone then, well, fuck you.

There. It's not the heat so much, it's the stupidity.

goochout.

Breaking Balls the Most Chicken-Shit Way Possible

Somehow, in a world where sights and sounds and logic and common sense don't follow conventional/earthly norms, a Portland Police Officer accidentally shot a guy with real shotgun pellets instead of a less lethal beanbag round (as was instended).

Oregonian: Man accidentally shot by Portland officer struggled with mental illness

I understand that human error exists and that no one is immune from it. I'm proud of our Portland Police and think that overall they do a great job. However, I drive 3000 miles a month and I haven't had an officer take that into account when I get a photo radar ticket for running a yellow light. In fact, it's starting to become a criminal activity to film officers while on duty. So, all we have to hold Police accountable is their immediate public word after the fact (usually disparaging the victim and not disclosing specifics about the officers' activities during an incident) and the secret Grad Jury findings that always find in favor of the Police.

So when this recent event occurred, shit popped into my head and I posted tweets with the @MayorSamAdams modifier so that the Mayor/Police Commissioner would see them. I was trying to be funny more than be a dick. Hopefully I accomplished both. If you've paid attention to the news of the Portland Police during the last year, you'll get some of the references.

I'm cutting this post short so that I can go outside and bask in the glory of all that is sunshine and bicycling. Salaam.

• @MayorSamAdams Just say it was a "pellet delivery device with a six inch handle." #rosiecoloredglasses 
• @MayorSamAdams Can citizens get their own PIOs to dispute the erroneous public claims made by the PPD about them?
• @MayorSamAdams Don't worry about it. I'm sure a Grand Jury will make it all better.

I'm John Gallucci and this is the 11:11...

Best joke ever (with regards to the drunk driving event that killed the Jackass star and his passenger):

"I'm Ryan Dunn and this is Drunk Driving"

I wish I'd written that line. I didn't, I merely reposted it on Twitter. I should have thought of it. I suck at comedy. I mean, such an obvious gem of a joke and I'm thinking of bullshit like "Ryan Dunn's middle name was "Iswell." I never posted that because it was too stupid even for here.

I need a vacation. Bottom line. The obviousness of life's jokes are passing me by.

goochout.

It's the new style...

Indescribables:

I'm working from a new setup in my "will-work-for-a-desk-downtown" office space. My Hackintosh netbook combined with an external monitor and I'm working remarkably well. I've provided ad-hoc remote support, interfaced with the corporate email, and joined a non-filtered wireless network so smut will flow freely through my workspace. I'm sure the Muslim Arabs from whose bandwidth I'm using would be happy to hear that.

I'm trying to run more. I'm clearly the fattest person to ever attempt any sort of running with any sort of distance in mind. I ran for 20 minutes on Monday which, at my rate of speed, translates to about a quarter-mile. I've signed up for an actual organized 5K run. An organized 5K run was one of my goals for the New Year. Also on the list was:


Compete in an MMA match
Get published in print somewhere/anywhere.

I don't remember what the other ones were. These are ambitious enough.

Back to the grind.

goochout.

DJ Priapism... lives

Suckers.

This site is now optimized for mobile devices. You know, for when Angry Birds gets boring.

I just purchased the new DJ laptop. I've even purchased the professional version of the DJ software I've grown accustomed to using. I have two gigs for DJing and one for officiating lined up. I have to fit into my suit(s); yet I sit here at my office doing office things. My checkbooks are balanced; my diet and exercise are not.

But my desk is wonderful. I can sit in my drafter's stool and while the cat claws at my ankles I can remote into people's workstations and fix problems  without intruding on their work days. I can balance my business and personal banking accounts. Manage my calendar. Listen to Sirius XM online. Watch Netflix on one screen while I do the aforementioned tasks. I sit down at this desk and shit will get done.

I'm trying to eat better... as always. Avoiding carbs as if I was a dick and simple sugars were herpes. I try to cut back on Rock Stars/energy drinks. But, my God, they're so good. I mean, have you had the Rock Star "Recovery" drinks? They're non carbonated so you can leave the can in your car and drink throughout the day. It may get a little warm but the caffeine remains constant. And the thirst quenching remains quenchant.

I found a show that I love, which means it'll probably be cancelled. "The League" is awesome. I don't know anything about fantasy football, or real football for that matter (the macguffin of the show). This show is up there with Blue Mountain State, Archer, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the other shows that warm the cockles of my funny bone.

I sleep now.

goochout.

PDX MUGSHOTS DOT COM

I love http://www.pdxmugshots.com/ . I look at it way too much. It's good to see what my friends are up to and it's like a yellow pages of drug dealers if I ever wanted to hit a new low in bender-ology.

Here's a couple faves:

Presumably was cited for riding a motorcycle without a helmet.

Sorry officer, I didn't know that eating leaves from low hanging branches was a crime.

This is the land of contusion...

Kim Kardashian proving that not everything that goes into her mouth gets swallowed. Just almost everything.

Yesterday I was getting my drill on. Dentist was drilling out a filling but first he had to inject me with an anesthetic.

I fucking hate needles. Anything that goes into my body for the purpose of drawing blood freaks me the fuck out. I've survived bungee jumps, car accidents, a cracked skull, some MMA training, and even a couple of toothy blow jobs. Needles, however, make me cower away from the instrument of torture. Kind of like a wounded kitten. Albeit a fat, thirty-seven year old wounded kitten.

But over the years, as I started going to the doctor without my Mother (read: STD clinics during my twenties) I overcame my fear of needles. I mean, it's apparent to anyone in the phlebotomy field that I don't like needles. I still lose a few shades of fake tan in my face whenever I sit in a chair anticipating a needle poke. However, I'm functional.

"I hit a bullseye."

 So I'm laying in the dentist's chair: sunglasses on, eyes closed, white knuckling the chair's arms.The needle goes in with the sensation of the pinch I was forewarned about. Then something weird happened. An electric shock went through my jaw and tongue. It was like sticking my tongue on a battery except I was sober when it happened.

And then he immediately says something like "did I shock you?" And I genuinely thought, since he described the sensation accurately, that I had in fact been shocked by something. Was he using an electric syringe with a frayed extension cord plugged into an outlet partially submerged in water? This is truly what I imagined had happened. My imagination has never been a substitute for a thoughfully crafted question:

"What the fuck was that?" I inquired.

"I hit a bullseye" the doctor explained. Essentially, while trying to inject anesthesia near the nerve, he got a little too close and hit the actual nerve. Something that happens all of the time and I really quit telling this story to anyone because everyone I spoke to had a far more sympathy evoking story than mine. My Mom's, for example, involved an injection into her back prior to a spinal tap to determine if she had meningitis (which she did).

Anyway, the procedure proceeded once I calmed down from a mini anxiety attack. I'm such a pussy.

So instead of telling anyone else about this, I'm posting it here. Peace.

goochout.








Gooch, have you ever had a dental dam used on you?

Once, but he told me he loved me.

Yo

It was twelve days between posts. Crazy. I'm getting domesticated lately. I'm vacuuming regularly. I'm cleaning the litterbox sometimes up to twice a month now. I have a girlfriend. I balance my checkbook(s). I just started eating healthier. The GF has me eating at places that don't feature happy hours. You know, cheese plates served on marble, wines that aren't fortified or have the same name as an indie rock band. I shoot at a gun range. I make my bed. I'm starting to wind down on the media piracy. At least from my own house. Two letters from Comcast might have helped me with that decision. Speaking of letters, I'm into sending birthday cards and thank you notes. I got a new electric toothbrush and I'm wildly excited about this.

I leave you with this.

I love my bitches, but where's my crackaz?

Shalom.

I've never been to jail. If I ever get the chance, I want to make sure my mug shot is pretty tight because I want to blow that shit up, frame it, and light it up with some track lighting.

I check out http://www.pdxmugshots.com/ about every day. It's like a dynamic-content yearbook of degenerates. Some of whom I know. There's nothing better than coming across a dude or girl that you know in a mug shot collection. I can say this, because I'm truly burned out on internet porn, so it's either this or cancel my internet. I mean, who checks email anymore?

Check out the website and check out some of these rock stars:

He's booked on assault charges. Apparently he repeatedly hit someone in the toe with the side of his face.

Before (11/2010)

After (05/17/2011)

Failed to register as a sex offender. In all fairness, should you have to register
as a sex offender when you look like this? It's sort of a given, I'd imagine.
Like someone in a wheelchair having to register as a handicapped person.

I'm off to bed. Peace.

goochout.

Facebook Post that Didn't Make it... UPDATE

At the 11:11...

My indoor soccer team told me I've been replaced by a better player. I don't know how they expect to get his wheelchair on and off the field but hey, that's not my problem.

Facebook post that did make it:

Bin Laden unarmed? If that mattered, we would have sent the LAPD to kill him. He would have not only been found "armed," they would have found a loaded crack pipe and a bloody glove.

Everyone except a cop friend (PPB) seemed to think it was funny.

Update: I almost (after one beer) commented to the Portland Police Sergeant the following (call this a smartass comment that didn't make it):

Portland Police don't need drop guns. They have Grand Juries.

I didn't post it because having a night stick surgically removed from my asshole would cut into my weekend. You know, because the doctors would have to cut into my weak end.

I'm an idiot.
Back to the grill... again.

goochout.

And at the 11:11...

I'm a recovering asshole. I'm beginning to see the error of my ways and I'm slowly evolving (or, more accurately, undevolving) into what you people call a genuine human being. With feelings and stuff.

About to listen to the new Beastie Boys album. I hope it's good. New South Park season starts this week. I hope it doesn't follow the suck trend of the last couple years. I just want everyone to understand when they should call it quits.

Like me with this post.

goochout.

Facebook post that didn't make it

Whyy is everyone making such a big deal about the Royal wedding coverage? It's pretty much the same as it was 30 years ago when the last generation of boring as hell royals got hitched. Unemployment is at an all time high and two more soap operas just got cancelled. It's just escapism entertainment. Not everyone is as socially conscious as you.

Certain people would have taken it as offensive/directed at them personally. I don't care that much either way.

goochout.