I have a question for Portland's "Rock Alternative," 94.7 KNRK [radio station]. Why is it that any white rap act is considered alternative? KNRK has included Eminem, Bloodhound Gang, House of Pain, Cypress Hill, Beastie Boys, and other honky groups in their rotation. Why? Why is it that white hip-hop is alternative? What's the rationale for playing Eminem but not Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre?

I think it's because KNRK hates black people. It's the only possible explanation. No black DJs, no black artists. The only thing black in the studio is the lipstick on the female (and some of the male) DJs. Oh, and I guess the goth clothing straight from Hot Topic.

-Gooch
The greatest black e-columnist of all time

--gooch

Gooch is sick. Sick of the qwest.net ftp server that has raped me of my ability to update this page. QWEST ftp server has been down since yesterday and "might" be back up "later tonight."

Had to vent.

gooch: out

gooch is now officially sick. So sick, in fact, that he's resorted to talking about himself in the third person.

--gooch

If you have nothing to say, you should say nothing. But why should I start following that piece of advice now?

Oh, you want an update to the log? Well, my DSL is hooked up again. I'll start adding new links to the links page, and maybe I'll write another column. Word of advice: Don't get a USB DSL modem, get the internal. Sure, it sucks having to spend an extra 20 second to open your computer case, but the difference is like night and day.

Paxil+Ephedrine=insomnia. Gooch=tired.

My schedule is now swamped with the extracurriculars. Dart League on Thursday nights, appearances on cable access (you know, where I imitate a stone statue for an hour at a time), working on a CD release for a band, and sharing time between practicing my drums and trying to get higher scores on my Atari 2600.

Jam Magazine is coming back to newstands. Just like the Empire, just like Christ, they will strike back.

I want to go to bed. I'm tired boss... dog tired.

gooch

Now it's time for...

F.requently A.sked Q.uestions

 

Through my work in Jam Magazine and my appearances on a few cable access shows here in Portland, OR, this website has gotten plenty of publicity. Consequently, I've been asked a lot of questions about the site and myself. As my activities show an obvious desire for attention, these inquiries are flattering. However, I've put together this FAQ list to help those who are interested.

Where did "Gooch: The Column" come from?
When I was in high school, the school paper was going to let someone have their own regular column. Myself and Mike Henry, a guy with whom I had mutual friends but didn't know very well both wanted to do a column. Mike and I needed to name the column and we called it "Gooch and Mike: The Column," as if the two of us were some sort of institution and this column was merely one facet of an immense operation. I don't remember exactly why.

After high school I didn't express any interest in writing until my second try at college in 1998. I saw an ad for an opinion columnist wanted at the Portland State University newspaper, The Vanguard. I met with the editor and he let me have my own column, which I called "Gooch: The Column." The editor suggested that I name my column something like "Any Last Words," since my first submission was such an angry and pointed rant. I kept the name because I didn't want the column to be pigeon holed into one particular theme.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Four pieces of toast with butter and cheese whiz. For dessert, A cinnamon roll with frosting

Do you often have dessert with Breakfast?
Yes. It's the most important meal of the day.

To what do you attribute your weight problem?
I think it's glandular.

How did you end up on the contoversial and long running Jim Spagg cable access show?
I published a column in September that discussed my favorite television shows of different genres. I wrote about a cable access show that caught my attention one night. The host of that show, Harry Lime, invited me to appear on the next episode. After that appearance the producers of Lime's show invited me to come to Jim Spagg's show. That show aired on 9/13/01 and I didn't really (actually, no one but Spagg) feel like putting on a 'funny' show in light of the terrorist attack that occured two days earlier. I appeared on that show and just plugged the upcoming issue of Jam Magazine, which was accepting essays from the general public on the topic of the attack.

I saw you on Spagg on September 27. What did you think of the people that were picking on you?
I think I spend enough time making fun of myself that other people doing it doesn't really bother me. In fact, it is expected that if you appear on the Spagg show, people will call in and mess with you. I mean, you're standing next to Jim Spagg for chrissakes.

What did you think of your appearance of 9/27?
Honestly, I was stiff as hell at first. Nervous, didn't know what I was saying. I threw out a few good jokes but ultimately I'll chalk that show up to experience earned. Live TV without a script is goddamned hard. Spagg is the master of that genre - he and his producers make it look way too easy.

Do you regret what you said about putting a picture of your penis on your website and click on it to donate to the Red Cross?
I regret that people thought that I was being disrespectful to that organization. I was just making reference to all of the websites that have some sort of link to donate money to some relief organization. My Mom is currently at "ground zero" doing work for the Red Cross and I'm very proud of her.

The show on 9/27 revealed some long toenails...
Yes, they've been cut.

What's in the future for you in television?
I think Spagg needs a female co-host. He has a great show but my personality and sense of humor somewhat don't fit in. I'm honored to have been on the show as a co-host, but I certainly think someone else would be better. The producers know that I'll help them in any way I can.

I've started a dialogue between myself and a few video-savvy people in starting a show of our own. It's still in the feasability study phase, but it's possible that a few of us will put together a show of our own.

You get a ton of CDs from national and regional acts. What's in your CD Players right now?
"When I was Beautiful" by Stereo Crush and "Subjugate" by DFiVE9.

Well, my girlfriend is completely embarrassed from my appearance last night on the Portland cable access "Jim Spagg show." A good indicator that I must have done at least a decent job. It was fun, as always. The producers said that they've never had that many female callers and one said that I brought "sex appeal" to the show. Yep. That's me... oozing with sex appeal. I watched myself after the show and goddammit, everyone knows that television adds 50-60 pounds. I need my own show. I need to lose weight. I need about two more hours of sleep.

I don't want to work. I just want to bang on the Roland SPD-6 electronic drum synthesizer with HPD-15 stand and optional pd-2 pedals all day.

Hey, i'm on day two of being without high-speed internet access. I feel like a smoker trying to quit. This sucks. I need my fix. I need a quick download of music, clip art, porn, whatever. Even those unfortunate kids in the Sally Struthers infomercials have ISDN. That's what I've heard, anyways.

In other news, there is an important event that everyone should attend tonight. Here is the email I received from one of the performers (who, by the way, also has appeared on cable access):

You are cordially invited to The Fall Kaleidoscope Of Dance starring Leylah and many other lovely bellydancers (including Mina) Friday, September 28th 7:30 PM Ararat Restraunt 111 NE M.L. King Blvd Portland, OR 97232 (503) 235-5526. Reservations are recommended; dining is encouraged.

The "shittycustomersupport" virus has hit my modem. I've been forced back to the primative world of dial-up connections. So this is what kids in poor countries check their email with. Poor bastards.

I'm almost afraid to bring attention to this fact, but what the hell...

I'm back on Spagg 10/27 @ 10pm on cable channel 11

My parents couldn't be prouder.