My God. I think I'm dying. Flu has set in. Much work to do this week. I still reign supreme as the busiest unemployed guy on the planet. I've got three places to be before noon tomorrow. Every muscle in my body aches. I have a friend coming over to give me a back rub. No, I won't tell you his name. Just kidding; it's a chick. Even in sickness, I'm cracking the predictable jokes. I'm checking IDs at Skyland this Thursday and Saturday. Instead of using hand stamps as proof of admission, I'm going to spray people's white T-shirts with Chloraseptic. If I have any left. Sore throat, stuffy head, puffy eyes. I look like death without the dignity or Cher without the makeup.

THIS IS MY FACE ON NYQUIL

See April 4th's blog for a reference as to how frustrated I am at the Scarface situation.

Last night I went to Hollywood Video to rent Scarface. Couldn't find it in DVDs. Couldn't find it in VHS.

Asked the girl at the counter where I could find Scarface, one of the greatest gangster films of all time. She said "Oh, we don't have it, surprisingly."

Surprisingly, indeed.

"You mean to tell me that your store has 1000 copies of Mariah Carey's "Glitter" and not one copy of Scarface?" I shot back.

"Someone likely stole our last copy of Scarface and never returned it" she volleyed. She dared to continue: "You know, for like $15.00 you could probably just buy a copy from Best Buy.

My friend had to keep me from jumping across the counter in a violent rage (Again, read April 4th's blog for some background info on this pathetic saga).

Word.

After a brief stop at Skyland Pub, I went to the Widmer Gasthaus for more beer and Greg's birthday party (see blog below) and then went back to the Skyland, then went to Old Chicago for more beer, then went to a friend's house to drink more because I couldn't really be drunk if I was able to drive to all those places.

Then, this morning, I threw up in my own toilet for the first time since I moved into the condo in January.

Good times. Good times. I did wake up early to help a friend get to work this morning. And that task is all I've accomplished today.

Well, my Swatch watch seems to be running really slow. I moved it ahead last night and it's already moved itself back to pre-daylight savings time. Time to hit up ebay for a new time piece. Wow, could you have asked for any more useless trivia about me? I'm bored just writing it.

GOOCH: WELL HUNG. OVER.

Happy Birthday, Greg Moore

Greg is a good friend. He helped me get the goochonline.net network up and running, he's given me cooking advice, been my designated driver, and let me crash at his place when I've drank too much. He's a talented musician, music producer, network engineer, photographer, videographer, cook, drinking buddy... and a good friend.

Greg's website: The Domino Effect

Greg Moore a.k.a. G-Mo, a.k.a. Gregster

I went to four (4) stores last night in an effort to buy the movie Scarface. Four... and not one God damned retailer carried it. Fred Meyer (Kroger) didn't carry it. Circuit City didn't have it. The Wherehouse carries a good selection of porn, but I couldn't buy a copy of Scarface. Best Buy said they don't have it and don't have any on order, despite getting numerous requests a day for it.

You fucking assholes. All of you should line up so I can tea-bag you. I don't want to live in a world where someone can't go out and buy Scarface. I think the lack of availability for such a classic film can be attributed to the fact that Fred Meyer, Circuit Shitty, Whorehouse, and Best Try all HATE CUBANS AND ANYTHING THAT MIGHT PAINT CUBANS IN A POSITIVE OR GLORIFIED LIGHT.

You can buy every crappy Adam Sandler movie ever made, but a movie nominated for three Golden Globes can't be found anywhere. Scarface is actually harder to find than an employee to help you at the shitty, punkass stores listed above.

In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women. But no matter how much money, power, and women you have; you still can't find a fucking copy of Scarface in a store in Portland.

Without any real structure in my life, I've found that putting together a list of things to do, or a schedule, greatly improves my efficiency. It's not easy entering early retirement at 28. There's sweater suits to buy and episodes of Matlock to watch. Unfortunately, my pile of dead presidents won't stack itself.

...And repeat. It's a shallow, meaningless existence. However, it's my existence and I sorta dig it.

Where's my pants...

We've got rain now, but this weekend was beautiful. I went for a walk downtown with a girl, drank beer on a restaurant patio with the same girl. Cleaned my barbecue and barbecued myself some lunch outside. Normally, I would seldom make note of the weather, but when I'm able to stand on my patio and smell the sweet smell of meat cooking over propane, it's an indescribable good feeling that even I can't even put it into words. I'm going to make this spring/summer the best ever. I'm going to barbecue every day and never say no to an invitation to someone else's barbecue. I'm gonna do stuff. I'm gonna have sex with multiple anonymous partners. Some at the same time. I'm going to drink incessantly. I'm going to look for a job. Just kidding. I'm going to learn how to smoke cigarettes. I'm going to siphon gas from my neighbor's car ("excuse me sir, do you put premium gas in your car? Just curious."). I'm going to host a lingerie party at my house and only let the beautiful people waiting outside my door in, Studio 54 style. I'm going to put a brass pole in my living room. I'm going to borrow a friend's car and speed past photo radars around town, smiling and flipping off the cameras. I'm going to run with scissors. I'm going to put a bug zapper outside and stare at it for four-hours straight. I'm going to work as a bouncer and randomly deny people admission to the bar/club.

I'M SORRY, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ALLOW GIRLS UNDER 120 POUNDS INTO THE BAR. IT'S BAR POLICY.
I COULD LET YOU TALK TO THE MANAGER, BUT I'D HAVE TO LET YOU IN, WHICH WOULD VIOLATE POLICY.