Fo shizzo, my Nizzos.

"Cameron is genuinely paranoid and stressed out about this girl that's stalking him. As his friend, it's my job to exploit that." --My friend Lee, in Idaho.

While in Idaho visiting my friend Lee, I met Cameron with whom Lee hangs out. I also met Deb, Cameron's stalker. She follows him around, asks people about him, mails him letters, etc. Lee and I (while drinking for twelve hours straight on Saturday) wrote love letters, sent flowers, and made prank phone calls in an effort to torment the shit out of this guy. He was really freaking out, and that made us smile. We pranked this guy for twelve hours for no reason other than to see that "oh... fuck" look on his face. "How come the really hot chicks never stalk people?" Cameron asked while holding a rose we had a waitress deliver to him. Juvenile? Yes. Stupid? Probably. However, when you're drunk and in Idaho... it's the right thing to do.

On Monday I was doing cannonballs into a five-foot deep pool, slamming my ass into the bottom of the pool each time. I'm sore as hell. Maybe fat, drunk, and stupid is the way to go through life.

My barbecue skills are on point... I've mastered the hell out of my cheapo gas grill. I get up, grill, eat, sleep, play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and maybe slang some tech support here and there to pay for it all.

Got a nice email from a girl who liked the latest column (the one about breakups). Between that column and the pictorial of me snorting Jello shots, I've had more people contact me out of the blue. Only when I faked my death did more people contact me (actually my parents) to see if I was still alive.

New hat in the Merch section of the site. It's one of those retro-trucker hats that are so popular now. I couldn't stand them until I saw that all the cool people are wearing them, now I want to wear one.

Is Hunting for Bambi bullshit or not? Who fucking cares (if you don't know what I'm talking about, click HERE)? $6000 to shoot a stripper with a paint ball gun? Give me $1000 and I'll drive you to a strip club and you can shoot a stripper in the parking lot. I'll provide the paintball gun. This is Portland, baby. We have more strip clubs per capita than anyone else in the world. Shoot a paintball gun into a crowd in downtown Portland and you'll likely hit a stripper and save yourself $6000.

Going out of town this weekend and likely the next weekend as well. It's hard to go on vacation when your life is a vacation.

On paper I operate at an income deficit every month, yet I was approved for like a grand in credit at a retail store. I felt like I pulled a rabbit out of a hat.

I'm going back to bed.

THIS IS FUCKING FUNNY. I LOVE HOAXES:

HUNTING FOR BULLSHIT

Last week was a record breaking one with regard to the number of hits to the site. Here's some other personal web pages hosted on the goochonline.net server:

http://www.superkenn.com

http://www.tyfloyd.com

When I'm not snorting Jello shots up my nose, I work security at a bar. It's like John Wayne Gacy being hired to work at a day care center.

I've all but cut cardio from my sessions at the gym, opting to lift heavier. I've lost four pounds since I gave up the treadmill. Cardio sucks. I'm stronger now than I was in high school. That would mean something if I was, say, 29 years-old trying to make varsity.

Gooch: A legend in the Jello snorting community.

WORD!!!!

It's 2am and I'm pretty fucked up right now. That did NOT keep me from posting some pictures showing how I got this way. Click on the PICS link above and check out my Jello shot antics. Also some gratuitous cleavage shots because I'm a fucking pervert. Actually, my friend taking the pictures is. However, I'm pretty fuckin' sick, too. Check it out, yo. Click PICS above.

FAT, DRUNK, AND STUPID IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE, SON.

Also... don't miss the new column if you haven't read it yet. Good times.

NEW COLUMN!

It had to happen sometime. Nearly five months after the last column. Hard to believe that I used to churn this shit out once a week for a college paper, eh. The new column: Good stuff but a lot of F-bombs, so keep it out of the reach of children. You can access the new column by clicking on the "Columns" button above, or by clicking HERE.

Quote of the week: Good Night Portland! - singer Jackson Browne during a show in Vancouver, Washington.

A possible ending to the Biography of John "Gooch" Gallucci: Click HERE

You wouldn't know it, but I have a lot of fans. Three of them and they're all cooling off my fat ass in the sauna that is the upstairs of my condo.

IRISH CAR BOMBS: The greatest drink ever invented; I'm going to start having them for breakfast. Fill half a pint glass with Guinness beer and fill a shot glass with half Irish cream and half Irish whiskey. Drop the shot glass into the Guinness and guzzle it all, making sure that the shot glass touches your nose. That's good drinking!