I haven't showered in a few days. I think I smell. I've spent the last five hours in a bizarre bipolaresquerollercoaster ride that began with a rampage on the streets of Vice City with a minigun and ending in bawling like a schoolgirl during a touching moment during the show Nip Tuck. I actually look crazy right now. I need to comb my hair. Shave. Shower.

Why do proctologists go into the field that they do? I mean, when you specialize you have to tell people in social settings at some point that you're going into that field and why. What's the answer to why? I mean, if someone goes into Psychiatry because they're interested in the mind and someone goes into plastic surgery because they're shallow and is a heart spacialist because they're fascinate by the circulatory system, then does a proctologist go into the field because they're fascinated with the ass? How do you answer "why are you going into proctology?" I'm not knocking it at all, but I'm just curious about the conversations during med school.

I haven't really had much to write about. Never an excuse, but fuck it. I did make my own media center computer complete with hard drive vcr, TV tuner, and Grand Theft Auto on the TV, like a real game. It's pretty nerdy but I don't care. Projects like that keep me off drugs and alcohol. Fucking hookers is still able to be accomplished through an intricate outcall program my escort service provides. I'm not drunk or high though.

As often.

Gooch:oooooooouuuuuttttttttttttt.

Just to dispel the rumors, Fantastic Four is not a movie about my penis. Daredevil is not a movie about the last two girls with whom I had unprotected sex.

I'm suing Marvel.

I rode Portland's MAX train to work today. I haven't gotten on a train since I saw Schindler's List about 10 years ago. Schindler's List pretty much did for Trains what Airport '77 did for air travel. For me, anyways. I mean, you get on the train with a bunch of people who are miserable, who don't talk to each other, who are going somewhere they definitely don't want to go, and some are worrying that a fare inspector is going to ask for their ticket... or papers.

Two months salary is the suggested guideline for what to spend on an engagement ring. In Oregon, three months' salary is the guideline to use when deciding how much to spend on illegal fireworks. You see, in Oregon we have laws against bottlerockets, M-80s, and anything else that flies and/or blows up. So deprived of these celebratory tools we are that some of us in Oregon feel the need to drive across the river into Washington to seek out things that go boom. We don't all have to do it. One person in every neighborhood typically designates himself as the one to spend about $1000 on fireworks at an indian reservation in WA. He won't hesitate to tell you how much he spent, because he'll repeat it over and over again as if he has a concussion. With a cigarette in his mouth, a Pabst Blue-Ribbon in one hand and a lit quarter-stick of dynamite in the other, the rest of the neighborhood watches him with the same anticipatory glee of a NASCAR fan. Sure it's fun to watch if everything goes as planned, but the high probability that someone will get maimed merely adds to the spirit of the Fourth.

Happy 4th of July, bitches.

GOOCH:out

Tom Cruise turns 43 today.

Happy birthday you weird fucking psycho-ass motherfucker.

I want to be a Hilton

You've got to be shitting me. Kathy Hilton, the mother of the most classless, skankiest slut on the planet is hosting a reality show where she teaches others etiquette, food appreciation and living high society life.

Kathy, who the fuck are you? Why don't you have your own daughter on the show? When your rich, socialite daughter stars in one of the best selling porn DVDs of all time, you're pretty much disqualified from telling people which fucking fork you should use for your salad. When South Park dedicates an entire episode to calling your daughter a skanky whore... when your daughter interrupts a blow job to answer her cell phone... Did Paris have a father figure growing up or is she merely looking for one in every asshole with a camcorder she meets?







Why does she bother wearing clothes? Which episode of 'Hilton' does Kathy discuss subduing tit and beaver shots and home movie lighting? Why am I so angry?


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Is it me or does every fat, black actress find it necessary to give themselves a single, french name? Mo'Nique... Jackee... Others I can't think of.

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Live 8: not watching it.

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