Here's an interior shot of an Hummer H1 Alpha. What irony in that a car named after a blow job is designed to make it impossible to receive one while you're driving it.

goochout.

Alcoholics are funny. They can be complete degenerates one minute and preachy "recovering" assholes in some "program" the next. You can be drunk and snorting lines of coke off of a dead hooker in a strip club parking lot with someone and a week later you'll be hanging out with the same guy in the woods while he spouts about how "sobriety has freed him" and how great his life is and how he takes his life "one day at a time" and all you can think is "Hey, dickhead, shut up and start digging. This week-old dead hooker is starting to smell and she's not going to bury herself."

Gooch: founding member of the D-Generation.

I love that when I go to the store and buy three produce items with a net weight of... say... a pound, they always offer help out to the car. I bought a 90 pound shelf system today and they didn't offer shit for help.

Fuckers.

You see, D-Generation relates to X Generation or Y Generation, but when you say it, it sounds like degeneration. That's the joke.

goochout.

Fucked news of the day: Cop Sues Victim's Family

This is funny. You can make lists on Amazon.com and I found one that I made in 2001. "Live Like the Gooch With These Things." Gooch: still douchie after all these years!

Live Like The Gooch... Amazon 2001

This whole page from Geekologie is great/tragic. Some people built a life sized replica of an X-Wing fighter with rocket boosters attached to the wings (known as Y-foils, to total geeks like me)... well just click the link and play the video.

X-Wing post from Geekologie

How many Dungeons and Dragons games did not get played while this thing was being built, I wonder.

goochout.

Here's the new Britney Spears video. In the video she portrays a stripper as well as a patron at a strip club (the distinction being the outfit and the hair color). The video is obviously an allegorical study into Ms. Spears dualist existence as a club goer and a slut. If I begged and pleaded, I could maybe get her a shift at Montego's, where I sometimes DJ. She'd be the kind of stripper that bitches about what order I play her songs. I threw baby wipes (the ad-hoc shower of choice by strippers around the world) at the screen the entire time I watched the video. She keeps saying "Gimme More," I was just assuming she wanted a cleansing product. You know, because she's dirty. She should make a video of her taking care of her kids. It's pretty much what the entire world is craving from her at this point. More clothes, less Jack in the Box, more parenting, less Jack Daniels, more underwear, less driving.


Aww... remember when it was okay to jerk off to a 17-year-old?

Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man.

I've been told that I remind people of Seth (Jonah Hill) in "Superbad." Someone told my girlfriend that she and I reminded her of Doug and Carrie from "King of Queens."



Because, you know, I'm funny like Kevin James. That's how my GF explained it to me. It's not because the show is about a fat dude with a hot wife. Which is what "According to Jim" is about. Which is what every sitcom on CBS is about. It's because I'm funny. That's it (girls snickering while martini glasses clink). If anyone knows of any other fat celebrities I remind them of, feel free to let me know. John Candy? Raymond Burr? Go ahead and push the bottle closer to my mouth.

Speaking of drinking to excess, I'm going to Reno this weekend for the Eldorado Italian Festival. Should be fun as always. I'll try to keep the blood alcohol level in the single digits.


Hayden Pannetierre is a hot chick. That's cool. She knows she's a hot chick, that's not cool. She's a chick that knows she's a hot chick and then acts like she doesn't think she is a hot chick. That's really uncool. I guess I'd need a hot chick that doesn't think she's a hot chick. I'd need a hot blind chick. Like Laura Dern in Mask.

Except, um... hot.

goochthefuckout