I changed the template on this page. It will likely change again soon. What is that... a house in the upper left hand corner? What does that have to do with anything?

I'm returning to DJ at Montego's this Friday. I know that the long, slow burn of desire to see me up in my DJ Booth glory has reached the point of white-hotness. I will, this Friday, give the public what they crave. Which is, you know, me getting so drunk that I mumble shit over the mic at 1:30am and have to be driven home.

If you click the "Call Me" button and insert your name and phone number, a service will call you and then call me, ultimately connecting us. This enables the public to call me without revealing my phone number. This is ridiculous on many levels. Mostly, if you're reading this site... you probably have my phone number already. It also implies that I want random phone calls from strangers throughout the day.

goochout.

Here's a picture of that Oregon Mayor that got recalled. I guess she doesn't like to be referred to as "Mayor Butterface." And... her name is not "Mayor MILFenstein" as was originally reported.

A woman was found dead in the pond at Laurelhurst Park, near where I grew up in Portland. The deceased carefully placed her things under a bush and entered the water (the filthiest body of water in the city, save for my bath water). No foul play was involved, according to police. The ducks migrate South (I'm assuming) for the winter, so no fowl play was involved either, according to police.

I saw the woman's obituary in the paper yesterday. It said she died in an "accidental drowning."

Say what? I mean... it was pretty much a suicide, right? No one swims in Laurelhurst pond. As children who frequented the park, we knew not to touch the water. If someone fell in (or even a body part) to the water, you went home immediately to wash. What outsiders saw as a pleasant body of water was seen to area residents as a goddamned duck toilet.

So when something in print says "accidental drowning," one must ask: "Was she going for a swim?" Was the YMCA not open at that hour? Can you write whatever you want in an obituary? If you can just make your obit up, I will just do it now and make up a cool cause of death. Instead of "liver failure," or "self-inflicted smothering with a pillow," it will read "...died of smoke inhalation after pulling kids out of a burning orphanage." Or, "wrapped his kickass Ferarri around a telephone pole at 3am." I'm going to start writing it now.

I actually did "kill" myself about seven years ago on the internet. I replaced my website with a fake Oregonian news story. Check it out... GOOCH FLASHBACK

goochout

The greatest desk... ever.

Had a good weekend. Did a lot of work... went to a birthday party (happy birthday, Betsy), returned that motherfucking HD-DVD playet to Costco (fuck you, Toshiba). Played some Guitar Hero for the first time on Saturday night. That's fun... I think Guitar Hero is just for kids who are too fat to play Dance Dance Revolution.

It was a full weekend. Nothing productive... just full.

I'm going to bed.

goochout.

Tuesday night: I got pulled over in the rental Altima. Lets just say that after observing me do a U-turn and speeding at 1am out of a bar parking lot... "I'm not going to give you a ticket."

Really, you're not? Not even a breathalyzer? (because, well... I was curious). Gee thanks!

Earlier that evening I made the joke: "I don't have to worry about drinking too much tonight... I have a rental" I bet that would get a laugh during booking.

Friday Morning: $95 speeding ticket, courtesy of Cowlitz County Sheriff's dept.

Haven't worked at the club in the last couple of weeks in order to give another DJ my shift. The computer shop from which I work on Saturdays will be surprised that I don't smell like the usual olfactory medley of cigarette smoke, vodka (it starts to ooze out of my pores by noon), and lack of self discipline (sort of a sweet smell, with a bitter finish).

goochout

I'm driving a Nissan Altima as a rental while the Escape gets its overdue service done. It's nice... my friend YMike drives one.

Toshiba Quits HD-DVD War

This, my friends, is bullshit. I hope I saved my motherfucking receipt from Costco for the HD-DVD player I purchased about a week ago.

I was on my way to resolve a printing issue for a customer when, in the unfamiliar Altima, I couldn't figure out how to change the radio band to AM. I almost canceled the job since I felt so electronically incompetent that I couldn't figure out how to listen to Dr. Laura that I could not possibly be qualified to install an HP printer.

Do you know how to install an HP printer? If you answered no and have no grasp of the english language, than you could work for HP.

I'm within the throes of a monumental depression. I slept for 12 hours last night. I've never done that without the help of weed. I feel like having a big plate of prime rib, a big glass of Jack Daniels/Diet Coke, and a .38 slug for dessert. I've been cranking the ABBA on my iPod for a couple of hours and am still unable to snap out of it. Maybe I'll visit Dr. Daniels tonight. I'm in a rental, so I pretty much have the okay for drinking and driving (I paid the extra insurance). If I was going to wrap a car around a telephone pole at 3am, it should be nicer than an Altima. Maybe I'll upgrade.

What would Dr. Laura do?

goochout

An ex-girlfriend had her car set on fire on Friday morning. Crazy shit... glad no one was hurt.

Arson Suspected in Car and House Fire

Unless the car was a Corvair or a Pinto that just got rear ended... it's pretty much guaranteed that it was arson. I think the words "suspected" and "allegedly" are used too much in the news and in life. Examples: OJ allegedly killed his wife and Ron Goldman. I suspect that the girl who tazed me does not want to go on a second date. I suspect that I'll choose jerking off over taking a shower (due to time constraints, of course) before I go to work. I was allegedly sober when I slammed the side of my car into my car port (I actually was sober... I was allegedly smart when I did it... disputable).

goochout

I haven't done really anything exciting to write about. It's depressing. I will try to do something completely insane/morally void/spectacular/illegal in the coming days. If I was going to write about what I've done lately, it would sound something like this:

...I microwaved a bowl of frozen edamame and ate it while reading the paper. I put in a new door bell button and door knob in the hallway closet. I plan on jogging in a bit, once the edamame digests.

I did drink a Bud Light-Chelada beer last night. It tastes like the red beers you get made for you at the bar. It's Bud or Bud Light and Clamato (clam/tomato juice). Fucking delicious. I shit you not. They just need to make an energy drink/vodka beverage that doesn't taste like ass.


goochout.