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This just in: CNN: Creator of Dungeons and Dragons Dies

So Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons passed away at 69. This man out did the Catholic Church when it came to helping teenage boys preserve their virginity. Nothing dries up a girl faster than the sight of 20-sided die or a dude that calls himself a "DM." If Gygax was Muslim, he's probably been greeted by 72 virgins. What he didn't know was that it would be a bunch of high school boys that played D&D in the hallway during lunch.

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I'm working this Friday at Montego's.

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Are we even trying to pretend that reality shows are, in fact, reality? We wouldn't really watch vapid d-list celebrities go through a poorly scripted and staged life and call it amusement, right?

The Kardashian reality show (note that I don't even bother to look up the exact title) had an episode where a nanny was hired to help burn-victim-intheface-esque Olympic star Bruce Jenner with the kids. Or some shit like that. Anyway, the family discovers that the nanny dresses like a slut and it causes some chaos and almost a rift between the matriarch and Jenner.

The "nanny" they hired is a goddamned porn star named Bree Olson. So... what's the point? How contrived could the producers get that they have to create such stupid situations so the viewers can watch and see what happens? Stupid.

On a side note... Bree Olson is coming to Salem, Oregon this weekend to visit me (violating a restraining order I have against her). She's visiting a porn store to sign autographs.

Here's the clip from Kardashian's reality show:

Bareback Mountin' is the name of my next porn film. It's a multi location shoot; 1st unit will be in my bedroom, 2nd unit will be in my living room. It'll be tough marketing a straight porn movie with a title ripped from a really gay movie. I guess the marketing team will take care of that. I have to start interviewing midget wranglers. I had to fire the last one during the filming of Black Cock Down. I'm also working with OJ Simpson to cameo in a few episodes of my epic sports-porn series Fist and 10.

Busy times in the handicam porn industry, I suppose.

(I guess this is a glimpse into what my brain works on at 6am on a Sunday. A bit odd, I would say. Hey... why is this sentence in parentheses? It's just as important as the other sentences. Let me out! If I had a quoted statement, would that relieve me of this parenthetical bastille? "Four Score and..." son of a bitch! let me out of this. Alright then... racist!).

(goochout)


Fist and 10?

I've decided that I'm a self-loathing egomaniac. I suppose that means I believe that I hate myself better than anyone else.

I changed the template on this page. It will likely change again soon. What is that... a house in the upper left hand corner? What does that have to do with anything?

I'm returning to DJ at Montego's this Friday. I know that the long, slow burn of desire to see me up in my DJ Booth glory has reached the point of white-hotness. I will, this Friday, give the public what they crave. Which is, you know, me getting so drunk that I mumble shit over the mic at 1:30am and have to be driven home.

If you click the "Call Me" button and insert your name and phone number, a service will call you and then call me, ultimately connecting us. This enables the public to call me without revealing my phone number. This is ridiculous on many levels. Mostly, if you're reading this site... you probably have my phone number already. It also implies that I want random phone calls from strangers throughout the day.

goochout.

Here's a picture of that Oregon Mayor that got recalled. I guess she doesn't like to be referred to as "Mayor Butterface." And... her name is not "Mayor MILFenstein" as was originally reported.

A woman was found dead in the pond at Laurelhurst Park, near where I grew up in Portland. The deceased carefully placed her things under a bush and entered the water (the filthiest body of water in the city, save for my bath water). No foul play was involved, according to police. The ducks migrate South (I'm assuming) for the winter, so no fowl play was involved either, according to police.

I saw the woman's obituary in the paper yesterday. It said she died in an "accidental drowning."

Say what? I mean... it was pretty much a suicide, right? No one swims in Laurelhurst pond. As children who frequented the park, we knew not to touch the water. If someone fell in (or even a body part) to the water, you went home immediately to wash. What outsiders saw as a pleasant body of water was seen to area residents as a goddamned duck toilet.

So when something in print says "accidental drowning," one must ask: "Was she going for a swim?" Was the YMCA not open at that hour? Can you write whatever you want in an obituary? If you can just make your obit up, I will just do it now and make up a cool cause of death. Instead of "liver failure," or "self-inflicted smothering with a pillow," it will read "...died of smoke inhalation after pulling kids out of a burning orphanage." Or, "wrapped his kickass Ferarri around a telephone pole at 3am." I'm going to start writing it now.

I actually did "kill" myself about seven years ago on the internet. I replaced my website with a fake Oregonian news story. Check it out... GOOCH FLASHBACK

goochout

The greatest desk... ever.

Had a good weekend. Did a lot of work... went to a birthday party (happy birthday, Betsy), returned that motherfucking HD-DVD playet to Costco (fuck you, Toshiba). Played some Guitar Hero for the first time on Saturday night. That's fun... I think Guitar Hero is just for kids who are too fat to play Dance Dance Revolution.

It was a full weekend. Nothing productive... just full.

I'm going to bed.

goochout.

Tuesday night: I got pulled over in the rental Altima. Lets just say that after observing me do a U-turn and speeding at 1am out of a bar parking lot... "I'm not going to give you a ticket."

Really, you're not? Not even a breathalyzer? (because, well... I was curious). Gee thanks!

Earlier that evening I made the joke: "I don't have to worry about drinking too much tonight... I have a rental" I bet that would get a laugh during booking.

Friday Morning: $95 speeding ticket, courtesy of Cowlitz County Sheriff's dept.

Haven't worked at the club in the last couple of weeks in order to give another DJ my shift. The computer shop from which I work on Saturdays will be surprised that I don't smell like the usual olfactory medley of cigarette smoke, vodka (it starts to ooze out of my pores by noon), and lack of self discipline (sort of a sweet smell, with a bitter finish).

goochout