I'm pretty sure that obese people are really just bulimics who don't know how to throw up. I watched an episode of A&E's hit comedy, Intervention, which documented this pretty hot bulimic girl who could eat amazing amounts of food. She would binge on cookies, ice cream, cakes... and then throw it all up to make room for more. She was thrown out of her sorority because she single-handedly ate the food intended to feed 60 girls for six weeks in about a month.

Fucking sweet.

I wanted to write a book on shopping addiction, but I felt guilty selling it to people.

goochout.

The time change has been hard on a lot of people. I asked a co worker if he wanted to go to lunch. He replied "dude, it's 10:30am. Ask me again when I'm hungry... closer to lunch time." I informed him that the clock he was looking at was not set ahead properly. Once I set the clock to the correct time, he saw it and decided he was hungry after all.

ABC News: It Wasn't the Sex; Suspicious $$ Transfers Led to Spitzer

The story is written by Brian Ross, who is clearly not in a relationship as he writes the following snippet in the article:

As recently as this past Valentine's Day, Feb. 13, Spitzer, who officials say is identified in a federal complaint as "Client 9," arranged for a prostitute "Kristen" to meet him in Washington, D.C.

Oops.

I guess the story would be awesomer if the Governor of New York was banging whores while his wife stayed at home crying into a box of truffles and a glass of Ballatore. The truth is, Client 9 was complaining to a hooker mid-blow-job about how he was going to have to stay at home with his wife the next night.

I'm convinced that in most cases in America, even when you have tons of money, dignity, and respect to lose, fidelity still isn't an option. I guess if you have the ambition to be a major celebrity or hold a high office in government... chances are you have the ambition to fuck as many random chicks as possible.

Political Sex Scandals Slide Show

I imagine that Spitzer's wife is somewhat relieved that her husband simply fucks hookers and not trolling for twinks in bath houses. And what about that, anyways? If you're a full blown (giggle) pillowbiter and you want to have an affair... what the fuck is up with the public place sex? Do you want to get caught? Is getting a rim job in a rest-stop bathroom stall off I-5 really that much more gratifying than a Motel 6?

In an unrelated and really stupid side note, I hope that Governor Eliot Spitzer has a daughter who grows up to marry a gentleman with the last name "Swallows" and she hyphenates her married name.

Thanks, and good night Gresham!

Fuck. I'm tired. Can't sleep. I'm about to crash, but started typing this blog, so sleep cannot occur. I'm typing this on my television, as my office is undergoing remodeling. That's fancy talk for "I cant climb over the shit to get to my laptop." I didn't return my Mom's or my ex girlfriend's calls tonight. They'll probably think it was some snub to them... I just didn't have the phone with me because the battery was dead.

Working tomorrow night.... I mean tonight at Montego's. I had a plan for a cool night, but Friday sneaked up on me. It'll be the same shit as before, but it's always a good time.

I hope this blog isn't boring you as much as it is me, because I'm about to fall asleep on my keyboard.

If Obama won more of the primaries, Artie Lange would have said: "I haven't seen a black man beat white woman that bad since OJ and Nicole."

That's funny to me.

Any ideas for Gregster's bachelor party... sans strippers? I have some ideas, but anything outside of... ahem... the box is greatly appreciated. It's my first "best man" task. Oh.... I've thrown bachelor parties and performed weddings. Just haven't been officially responsible for the bachelor party. Trust me... unoffically responsible is a lot more fun.

gooch... out.

Ellipses... apparently... in.

My friend is participating in the March for Babies. Donate, please.

This just in: AOL: Airborne Supplement is Bullshit!
This just in: CNN: Creator of Dungeons and Dragons Dies

So Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons passed away at 69. This man out did the Catholic Church when it came to helping teenage boys preserve their virginity. Nothing dries up a girl faster than the sight of 20-sided die or a dude that calls himself a "DM." If Gygax was Muslim, he's probably been greeted by 72 virgins. What he didn't know was that it would be a bunch of high school boys that played D&D in the hallway during lunch.

******

I'm working this Friday at Montego's.

******

Are we even trying to pretend that reality shows are, in fact, reality? We wouldn't really watch vapid d-list celebrities go through a poorly scripted and staged life and call it amusement, right?

The Kardashian reality show (note that I don't even bother to look up the exact title) had an episode where a nanny was hired to help burn-victim-intheface-esque Olympic star Bruce Jenner with the kids. Or some shit like that. Anyway, the family discovers that the nanny dresses like a slut and it causes some chaos and almost a rift between the matriarch and Jenner.

The "nanny" they hired is a goddamned porn star named Bree Olson. So... what's the point? How contrived could the producers get that they have to create such stupid situations so the viewers can watch and see what happens? Stupid.

On a side note... Bree Olson is coming to Salem, Oregon this weekend to visit me (violating a restraining order I have against her). She's visiting a porn store to sign autographs.

Here's the clip from Kardashian's reality show:

Bareback Mountin' is the name of my next porn film. It's a multi location shoot; 1st unit will be in my bedroom, 2nd unit will be in my living room. It'll be tough marketing a straight porn movie with a title ripped from a really gay movie. I guess the marketing team will take care of that. I have to start interviewing midget wranglers. I had to fire the last one during the filming of Black Cock Down. I'm also working with OJ Simpson to cameo in a few episodes of my epic sports-porn series Fist and 10.

Busy times in the handicam porn industry, I suppose.

(I guess this is a glimpse into what my brain works on at 6am on a Sunday. A bit odd, I would say. Hey... why is this sentence in parentheses? It's just as important as the other sentences. Let me out! If I had a quoted statement, would that relieve me of this parenthetical bastille? "Four Score and..." son of a bitch! let me out of this. Alright then... racist!).

(goochout)


Fist and 10?

I've decided that I'm a self-loathing egomaniac. I suppose that means I believe that I hate myself better than anyone else.