George Carlin: Dead at 71

I recently watched a George Carlin stand up performance filmed in 1976. I wasn't his biggest fan, but I appreciated the genius that went into a lot of his material. while the counter-culture stuff might have been lost on my generation, his appearances in the recent Kevin Smith films proves that he was more far reaching as an entertainer than I'd given him credit for in the past. It's certainly sad that he's gone.

"Seven Words" comedy bit below, NSFW:

Even the Ancient Romans spent time not getting laid.

Christie's auction: Ancient 20-sided die

Could it be that ancient Dungeons and Dragons games (called back then: 'shit that happens currently') are the reason that ancient civilizations ceased to exist?

What's my excuse for not getting laid?

goochout

Big Lebowski Action Figure set.

I guess THIS is better than my action figure set. I suppose.

The Dude drinks a stiff caucasian... and I am a stiff caucasian.

out.

gooch.

I was listening to the radio today and there was a breaking story about a child abduction. The reporter noted that the police considered the suspect "armed and dangerous."

Wouldn't "armed" sort of imply "dangerous?" I mean, has there ever been a situation where the suspect was armed, but not necessarily dangerous?

"...he should be considered armed, but he won't have the balls to pull the trigger, so citizens are encouraged to confront him should the situation arise."

******

I was driving in North Portland around midnight recently and made some observations. The first observation was that I clearly needed to get the fuck out of North Portland. For those of you who aren't from Portland: Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard is located there.

You know the movie "I Am Legend" is about a black guy who gets attacked by a bunch of really white people after it gets dark outside? I felt like I was in the exact opposite scenario when my lonely white ass was cruising down MLK at midnight. Amazing... I'm in the poorest part of town, yet I seldom saw a car that retailed for under $50k. I even drove past a fancy building that houses the "European Cosmetology Institute." I assure you that I was the only European within a three mile radius.

******

I'm coming down with some sort of illness. The only bright spot on this situation is that I get to, in good conscience, drink copious amounts of DayQuil. Viva La 'Quil!

******

goochout!

The Gooch Playset *

I bought a toy car version of my car online. What I need now is a Gooch Action Figure. What an awesome toy set that would be! It would be like the Star Wars or GI Joe action figures and play sets. Instead of the Cantina in Star Wars, I would have the Montego's Action Playset (Q-Ball action figure not included).

Also available would be: Fellatious stripper action figures (sold in sets of three with vacuum attachment), Wood Village condo playset (with white walls you can paint yourself... not that I have in real life), an ex-girlfriend action figure that turns orange when you put her in a toy tanning bed (then, you know, stays orange), an ex-girlfriend hairdresser action figure that talks even when the batteries are removed, an ex-girlfriend action figure with a variety of cute hats, a Gregster action figure that comes with a Burrito Cart play set with live action sound effects, a Bret action figure available by mail order only that will show up way later than it's supposed to, a Nikki action figure that says different phrases like "I'm drunk" or "I'm confused." It'll be fucking awesome!


One of the skills/curses I have in life is that I can spot typos and mis-spellings from a mile away. I don't bother to check my own work (so don't send emails proofreading this blog). I was in a bathroom and I spotted this gem.

Ha!

goochout

*Lots of inside jokes in this one... not necessarily a widely accessible bit of humor. I apologize. Sometimes I just write shit that I think is funny.

Has anyone... like the last four remaining people watching network television, seen the show "Moment of Truth?" I haven't, but I've read some synopses of it from imdb.com. The premise is that someone is asked a bunch of questions before the show while hooked up to a lie detector. Then, the person is on stage in front of an audience and his or her family and asked the questions again. Their answers have to correspond with what their lie detector results were. Here's an example:

Question #8: As an EMT have you ever knowingly falsified a report?
Dad says "that could cost him his job." Nicole calls it unfair. No one whacks
the button though. Answer: Yes (True) Aaron only looks a little worried. NMM
wonders why nobody chose the button option. Dad says they're saving it for a
really hard one. In his defense Aaron says no one has ever died. (Presumably, he
means as a result of his falsifying a report).

Read the full synopsis HERE.

Shout out to Troy, a charter member of the Portland Rat Pack.

Gooch:Out

I'll be the first to admit that it's a man's world. I know that men have it good. We make more money, we gain weight without fear of social backlash, we don't have to bear children.

One advantage to being a girl is the fact that they can masturbate with such a variety of household items. It seems that while men have only the left and right hands to delegate jerking off duties, women can actually use items, produce, and forces of nature to accomplish the same thing.

If I was a girl, I'd line up a masturbatory six-way with an electric shaver, a detachable shower head, an old pager, a bath tub faucet, a cucumber, and maybe even a washing machine with an uneven load. With such an array of items with which to get off, why do women waste time with men at all? Is it because a Norelco has yet to take a girl to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Hell... I have yet to take a girl to Ruth's Chris. Yet somehow drunk girls are often unable to resist my classy advances.

Another thing (unrelated): women have this "plumper" lipstick which, allegedly causes the wearer's lips to get... plumper. I wonder if I got a tube of this lipstick (I hope they make it in 'clear' or dark brown) and rubbed it on my penis, if it would have the same effect? If you get a blow job from a girl wearing the plumper lipstick, will your dick be bigger when she's done? Would it be like putting a cake in the oven and waiting for it to rise?

Ha!

gooch:available for weddings and day care grand openings.