Death to Gooch(y)

I haven't done anything of note lately. A drastic reduction of alcohol consumption replaced by pleasant evenings out for dinner or sitting at home trying in vain to fix my out of warranty PS3 may have contributed to this state of calm.

But it's okay. I'm comfortable with being the drunken out of control fat guy. It gives me a miguided purpose in life... a jester among my friends. I love making people laugh and I've come to terms with the fact that I'm better liked when I'm drunk. When I say that I'm going to "drink myself attractive," it's in reference to the fact that girls really seem to like me when I've had a few too many. I wish I had the self confidence and sense of humor that "Drunk Gooch" has, but I don't... I just pay his bills and clean up after him.

For the last 10 years or so, I've had this caricature of myself to look up to. He's 1000 times more talented and more fucked up than I am. All of his experiences have been way more extreme, his heartbreaks way more severe, and his career way more successful. He's had the "girl that got away" and even at his heaviest weight wore the same corduroy shirt that I happen to wear at my heaviest (which I threw the fuck out recently). I always managed to spot the parallels between Artie Lange and myself - not the good ones, but the mentality behind being insecure to the point where you think that people dig on the fact that you're completely out of control and you think that gettiing yourself fucked up all of the time will keep everyone happy.

He even lamented at times that people he dated would want him to be the guy he was on stage all the time. I've been lambasted by some for not being funny at a particular moment, or for staying quiet at a social setting because I didn't want to be the center of attention.

I took a particular interest in Artie Lange because he was sort of this misguided soul that despite his self destructive efforts became successful. I always felt that with my propensity to make mistakes, I could be inspired by Artie and pull myself through the way he had.

So last week I read that Artie Lange tried to kill himself. I don't idolize any celebrities for anything other than their success. And by success, I mean money. And by money, I mean random unsolicited blow jobs. When you listen to a radio show, as I listen to the Howard Stern show pretty much every day, you identify with the personalities as you would any people with whom you spend a few hours a day. I took the Artie suicide thing kind of hard. It saddened me anyways. It made me not want to be that guy. I feel kind of game over-esque.

I hung out with friends at a bar recently and I didn't drink. It was almost a science experiment. I wanted to see if I could still make people laugh, I wanted to see if I could maintain conversations without getting nervous.

What a pain in the ass that was.

There's no way to end this post eloquently. I'm probably as sick of writing it as you are reading it. So take this as more of a brain dump than a coherent piece of writing.

Cheers.

gooch:out

The only thing gayer...

...than the fact that I bought eye cream is watching me smear this overpriced shit on the bags and crows feet surrounding my eyes.

Stuff I don't remember writing...

...Because I was drunk:

Casey Johnson was a waste of skin. And it's John Belushi and Heath Ledger who both died of pill/coke overdose. Anyone born with an abundance of cash does not deserve the same sympathy as that of someone that has suffered a genuine tragedy/loss.

Tee hee... I'm an angry drunk.

Last year brought forth a few changes in my life. Nothing really earth shaking, more superficial.

The cat and I survived our first full year together.

I rediscovered my love for media piracy and my love for chicks in their thirties. I went the entire year without having an actual "girlfriend." I suffered some heart break, broke a heart or two. You know, the typical life of a twenty something; except that I'm in my mid thirties. I'm getting old for this shit.

2009 saw me transition from strip club DJ to actually doing some private gigs with my own gear. After a few drinks, I agreed to DJ a high school reunion in Astoria. I agreed, even though I didn't even know at the time why DJs wore headphones while working. I also didn't have the laptop, mixer/controller board, lighting, amplifier, or speakers to do the job. I quickly procured the mixer and laptop and successfully DJed an event where the clothes stayed on (at least during the reunion). I did it all for food, beer, and lodging. Towards the end of the year I DJed a Christmas party for one of my favorite computer customers, and New Years Eve I got to try out my new amp and speakers (Xmas presents to myself, I guess) at my friend Nikki's house. It's a fun hobby, I suppose, and it's something I can practice at and get better at over time.

I thought that putting myself in front of audiences to do different things would cure me of my social phobia. Turns out, I've simply been torturing the living fuck out of myself for the last few years. I'll continue to do weddings and DJ - I'm sure it builds character. Because, you know, that's my problem.

My diet endeavors hit a snag towards the end of the year, but I, like a lot of people, used the New Year as a starting point to start counting calories and working out. I also need to quit drinking so much. It's painful to think about the money and calories wasted and consumed, respectively. It sucks that for the most part people like me better when I'm plowed. It's a documented fact.

This website celebrated its 10th anniversary in November. I mean, my entire writing (ahem) career has been focused at the short attention span reader. So I really like the Twitter and Facebook venues in which to write. I've decided to make the blog more personal items and the Twitter posts to be strictly for general public followers (like a joke or pop culture/news observation). I'm not really a fan of Twitter, but I do think it's great for following celebrities or people that you give a shit about in general. I try to at least make my 140 characters somewhat chuckleworthy.

So I don't think I derive as much enjoyment out of writing these end of year summaries. So many people love writing about themselves and mailing those envelopes full of self adoration to their apathetic friends and family. Ha. Letters with sentences like "We just found out that our two-year-old shits cotton candy! Isn't that amazing? She sure is more special than most babies." Anyways, here it is.

Happy 2010.

gooch:out

How the Gooch Stole Christmas...

Just finished watching "Funny People" with Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen. I liked it so much more than I thought I would. I'm not into stand up comedians as actual people so much. I've noticed that semi-famous people (local comedians, newscasters, radio DJs) have a twisted desire... no - need, to draw attention to themselves at all times. Being loud and obnoxious in an effort to get as many tables to stare at you at a decent restaurant makes you an incredible asshole.

I'm guilty of some of this behavior, but it's usually only because I'm insecure in any social situation and often stay quiet until someone says something that I have a funny retort, and by that I mean one that I'm 99% sure people will laugh at, then I say it without making eye contact with anyone. That's my move. That's how I stay relevant to a social situation without monopolizing it.

That, and copious amounts of booze.

I've also had people say that I should be a stand up comedian, which clinched the decision never to try it. Everyone knows that the Asshole Mantra is (usually after someone laughs at his joke, and I mean 'his' because this only gets said to men) "a lot of people tell me I should be a stand up comedian." I can't be lumped in with that group. I can't be lumped in with a group of people that rehash a shitty Leno bit at the water cooler and think that they should hit an open mic. I have enough going against me, I can't throw that shit show into the mix.

So, I survived a Christmas while being single. I've always at least had someone that I was dating, this time not so much. It's cool; I saved some cash on presents this year. They say that being single during the holidays is hard for a lot of people. Yeah, I survived Christmas only to have Valentine's day to look forward to. New Years' is cool, because despite my inability to get laid throughout the year, I usually find a decent looking drunk chick to make out with at whatever bar I'm slumming in at the strike of 12.

Podcast coming soon... I can feel it. I'm looking at my notes now on the other monitor.

Back to the gym. I've developed some bad eating/not working out habits over the last week. I'd swear I woke up drunk on a couch while in mid bite of a slice of pizza. I bet Weight Watchers does not address that sort of situation in their meetings.

JG

Where'd this come from?

I had a bit of a bender weekend and I think I updated my Facebook while inebriated. I found this in my "favorite quote:"

Whatever doesn't kill you didn't try hard enough.

I... I think that's funny. I mean, not hilarious; but a fun play on my favorite quote. Heh.

Off to work early.

goochout.

The Princess and the Gooch

From Twitter:

Oh, 2009... Your thirst for celebrity blood has proven unquenchable

From Facebook:

Brittany Murphy was "sick and vomiting" right before her death, so it's safe to assume she'd recently watched "Just Married." Her husband requested that an autopsy NOT be done on his 32 year old, otherwise healthy wife. If he needs to borrow the "Ways to Not Act Suspicious" handbook, I'm sure I have a few copies laying around.

I really need to just make it through the week. Been a little depressed and maybe acting out with the booze a little. And by "a little" I mean "holy fucking shit what the fuck was last Saturday about?" I'm like a tragic cartoon: Fun to watch, but still depressing. I'm sure that if I had some Tylenol PMs and a bottle and a garage and a running car with a full tank of gas, I wouldn't be around to almost kill myself like on NYE last year. Should just do it on my own terms... be a lot safer. Nah... I have too many people left to piss off before I meet some unexpected untimely demise.

I have a podcast brewing, should be up before the end of the year. I hate that you can buy two identical items of clothing from Old Navy in the same size and have them fit entirely different. Need I try on every piece of clothing I purchase? Damn. Last weekend was also a food bender as well. Have to try to shore that up this week as well. I'm getting sick of measuring what I eat. It's a necessary evil, I guess, in order to look like this.

Out