Houston, we have an 11:11

I'm a little baffled at the expense/risk to payoff ratio of the NASA program. So many experiments involving space, space exploration, life on new planets, etc. Things are a little too fucked up here on Earth to be fascinated about whether or not a drop of water was found on the Moon's surface. How much money, seriously, is being spent on the Space Program, and how much does it really benefit the citizens of the United States?

We were the first country to put Astronauts on the Moon. Who gives a shit? Do you know how insignificant this event was to the world at large? A lot of people believe that the moon landing was filmed on a sound stage somewhere and NASA, quite frankly, has no real way of proving otherwise. Think about that... there's no real proof that the greatest feat of engineering ever took place? A great acheivement of science and exploration and what good did it do us? The United States has the biggest space dick?

Well, if we didn't do it, Russia or China might have beaten us to it. Good! Fuck 'em. What do we care if they land on the moon, discover an icicle on Mars? Wouldn't it be cooler to use that science brain trust to say "hey... we cured cancer" or something that people could benefit from? Let other countries worry about trivial shit like space walks. Let's fix something here.

When's the last time modern medicine actually cured something? Chris Rock said it best... there's no money in the cure, just the treatment. I guaranfuckingtee you that the CEO of Pfizer would never die of anything other than old age. I bet there has never been a natural cause of premature death of anyone or their families that works as an executive at a pharmaceutical company. I'll bet you dollars to Viagras that there's a vault somewhere in every pharmaceutical headquarters with bottles labeled "AIDS CURE" or "CANCER CURE" or "HERPES CURE."

I'm just saying that it's sort of outrageous that so much money is going to government organization that absolutely has no other impact on Earth (save for Tang, posturepedic mattresses, and freeze dried snacks) while the money for one space toilet could help out an average citizen.

Great, now I'm sounding like a fucking hippie.

goochout.

Rebel without a Clue...

I've sort of become a bit paranoid about people reading this site and bringing what they read into the real world: making judgment calls about me, my personality, even my soul. Having said that...

http://www.igooch.net/columns/lovecolumn.htm

http://www.igooch.net/columns/bearhunt.htm (From 2000)

I'm up already this morning. Made breakfast and prepared lunch, which will likely be consumed as a snack so that I can eat some god-awful expensive lunch downtown.

UPDATE: [from the interweb]:

There is helium all around us in the air, but it is not a good source for helium collectors. There are only about 5 parts of helium for every 100,000 parts of air! People have discovered much richer sources of helium underground. Some radioactive elements, such as uranium, release alpha particles when they decay. An alpha particle is just a helium atom with no electrons. Deep in the Earth where these radioactive decays take place, the alpha particles capture electrons and become helium. As the radioactive deposits age, large quantities of helium become trapped in underground caverns. To collect the helium, people drill down into the caverns and capture the helium as it escapes.


Most people are familiar with helium balloons. We put helium in these balloons, because it is lighter than air and is non-flammable. However, most of the helium used today is in liquid form. All gases become liquids when the temperature becomes low enough, or when excessive pressure is used. Scientists use liquid helium for experiments that have to be kept very very cold. Helium becomes a liquid at 270oC below zero!

Did you read that? I didn't. I'm more content with my own imagined conclusions which, of course, involves voodoo with a side of sorcery. Lighter than air?That doesn't seem scientifically possible. Of course, neither does Gatorade or the female orgasm.

[Girl on the phone as I write this: "I've experienced both." Me: You've had Gatorade and helium?]

Early morning wit... you can't buy that at the supermarket. You can't buy condoms there either. At least, that's my excuse for never having one on me.

Caffeine is kicking in.

gooch:out

UPDATE: I read that helium thing. They do mine it. Holy shit. They mine it using drills and witchcraft. At least, that's what I think I read. Wouldn't it be funny if I could write and at the same time be functionally illiterate?

[Gooch sits on the witness stand, about to be cross-examined by the prosecution]
Prosecution: Mr. Gallucci, did you write this?
Gooch: I think so.
Prosecution: Can you read it to the court?
Gooch: Um... no.
Prosecution: You can't or you won't?
Gooch: I never learned to read.
Prosecution: You can write, and yet not read?
Gooch: That's correct.
Prosecution: That doesn't seem possible.
Gooch: Hey, neither does helium. Did you know that they mine that shit?
Prosecution: Yeah, you mean you didn't?
Gooch: Well, I had to look it up.
Prosecution: Seriously?
Gooch: Yeppers.
Prosecution: Is this a poorly executed comedy technique, known as a call back?
Gooch: Sort of.
Prosecution: Are you done writing this?
Gooch: Hell yeah, I should have been done before I started.
Prosecution: Do you regret not copying and pasting the words "Prosecution" and "Gooch?"
Gooch: My typing muscles do hurt.

out.

Where does helium come from?

I was driving up Interstate 205 towards Portland (Oregon) today. I took notice of a floating promotional blimp, tethered to a building. The blimp, a small scale replica of say a Goodyear or Sanyo airship has flown over that location promoting a spa/pool shop for years.

But today I took notice and wondered: Where does helium come from? Are there helium mines somewhere that I don't know about? Can you manufacture gas (aside from Gregster's ability to do so after any given meal) in a factory?

My eyes glanced back and forth from the road and this rather stationery-suddenly-mesmerising roadside promotional piece. I wondered for a while about it. Or, more precisely, the gas that keeps it afloat.

Sure, I could Google it, Wikipedia it, take-some-other-internet-information-entity-and-use-its-name-as-a-verb it. I could ask someone. If I was in North Portland, I could aks someone. But I spent the remainder of my drive basking in my child like wonderment.

I wonder if the radio guy that announced the Hindenburg crash was thinking the same thing about Hydrogen. I mean, his broadcast started off routine enough. He was probably bored, wondering "where does Hydrogen come from? Can you mine it? Manufacture it? OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY!"

gooch:out.

Terrorist Barbie: She's the Bomb!

Ha!

UPDATE: It would have been funnier to work "Allah Ack-Barbie" into this somehow. Just sort of slipped this one in. No effort, just saw a funny picture. Out.

UPDATE: Would have been funnier to work "Dynamite Vests: One Size Fits Allah" into this somehow. Should have put some thought into it. Out, take 2.

My Prediction: Gooch

I watched the final training montage/fight of Rocky III last night. Was there ever a villain better than Mr. T? Some of the best lines (clearly crowbarred in to the script) ever. "I pity the fool," "My prediction: pain." When Rocky and Clubber Lange get into the mid-round brawl and Lange's corner crew has to hold him back while he screams like a caged bear... fucking brilliant. I cheered him on.

What was Rocky's movie-fight strategy? Let Lange beat on him for three rounds, to tire him out, then beat him up? Taking about 200 punches to the head and body, getting knocked down twice... that's a fight strategy? I'm going to have to go with the eggplant on this one (shitty Italian joke, never mind).

******

I've been informed that the audio post from bed was creepy. I'll try to not make them sound like the rant of a man about to strap a dynamite vest (would be a cool band name) to his chest and visit a day care center.

gooch:out


For absolutely no reason whatsoever...

Beverly Hills Gooch...

Lackeys:

So the media has begun to report something that I tweeted two weeks ago: The knife wielded by the man shot at Hoyt Arboretum was, in fact, an Exacto knife:

It's a "razor knife with a six-inch handle," not a pen knife with a 7/8" blade. Do you realize that our police hire people to sit in a room and write/spin the best way to describe this knife to make it seem more threatening without actually lying? Do you realize that I'm not the most socially involved person on the planet (I donate money to a couple things and I buy Girl Scout cookies, but that's about it. Oh yeah, magazines to the VA) but even I'm a little dismayed at all this?

And then...

BREAKING: Chasse Sergeant In Off-Duty Road Rage—Pulls Gun, Says "Go Ahead And Call The Police."

Holy shit. I, for some reason, completely believe the BMW driver in this case. Even Sergeant "Dirty" Kyle Nice's story doesn't seem to justify getting out of your car and pulling an effing gun. I appreciate that a neighbor spoke to reporters speaking against Nice, calling him the more "aggressive" one and not believing that the situation warranted a gun. If I witnessed it, I would have said that the BMW driver pulled out an AK-47 and Nice somehow Chuck Norrised that shit out of his hand while calculating pi in his head and rescuing a puppy from a tree. Or something. I mean, I'd take the truth and, you know, spin it. 

Anything but the fucking truth. God forbid I get gunned down for carrying a concealed Bic pen.

Interesting Fun Fact: Portland Police Sergeant Kyle Nice's middle name is "Izzent."

Ba Dum Bum

or...

Wah Wah Waaaaaah.

Does your blog have sound effects after bad jokes? That's right, I'm an innovator.

Gooch: Out

Text Fail

Watched a customer leave a shop I work at, only to walk up to my car and snap a picture of my license plate (GOOCH-1). I tried to retire the plates, but screwed up the paperwork at the DMV. Now kids think I have the synonym for 'taint' on my plates. I bet I couldn't get those plates now if I tried. Which I wouldn't.

******

Don't have much to say. I've started to embrace television more. Sarah Silverman, Archer, Blue Mountain State are the funniest shows out right now. I'm also watching educational documentaries as well, to justify my sedentary habit.

John Gallucci 1993: Had Sega Genesis and television hooked up to a "Super Clapper" - Two claps for the television and three claps for the Sega. Controllers were strung to the bed so that I could play Mortal Kombat as soon as I woke up.

John Gallucci 2010: Harmony Remote controls lights in living room, hallway, and in bookshelf. Mortal Kombat vs. DC Comics resides in the PS3. Sleep on the couch more than in bed. Only once have I woke up, grabbed the controller and made playing a video game my first waking action.

[off in the distance, my Mother cries].

******

Transcript [paraphrased] of a text messaging string from last night:

5:00pm

ME: Happy hour at East Burn [restaurant/bar] at 6:15 with [friends]

HER: Nice. I'm exhausted, otherwise I'd join.

ME: Yeah... Just wanted to throw it out.

HER: Thanks! Say hi for me!

ME: Will do.

9:00pm

HER [drunk]: Trivia at the 'Stone [pub, 5 minutes from proposed happy hour] We need you pronto!

I went and we won something for playing trivia. I don't know what the etiquette is for telling someone you're too tired to go out and then calling them later to come out to a bar. Heh... my friends are nuts.

******

Happy Birthday, Gregster. Yesterday.


hppvjpiy