The Sorceror's Gooch

Predicates:

I know we're between my birthday and Jesus' birthday. However, if someone could get me this shirt, I will wear it and fly to wherever to attend multiple services at that church that Mel Gibson owns.

Not since "We Are the World" and "Give Peace a Chance" has a mantra moved a nation. A planet, if you will.And you will, because I'm writing this shit.

I'm out.

gooch.

Dynamite Vests: One Size Fits Allah

This is why the terrorists hate us. Mega burgers and Miley Cyrus are the reason the taliban are at Men's Wearhouse Afghanistan getting fitted for dynamite vests and dropping out of flight school before they get to the chapter on landing.

Seriously, MSN is going to have one of their pictorials titled "shitty burger ideas" and lead it with this and the Double Decker.

Having said all of this, I'm sure my next drunken 2am foodquest will have me in a parking lot leaning against a dumpster wondering just how to eat this thing (answer: quickly, before I pass out).

The Last Cokebender

What's wrong with this picture? See within this post for the answer.

Schlubs:

Ha! How's that for a movie title. I guess "The Last Airbender," the once pedestaled and plot twist expert M. Night Shyamalan's latest contribution to cinema was a catasfuckingtrophic failure. I mean, apparently it was a turd, and then he tried to polish said turd with post production 3D. Roger Ebert described it as watching a movie through a dirty towel. Maybe M. Night's next plot twist should be "It was a shitty movie, and then in the last 10 minutes it became awesome."

I got a bought a coffee maker last night. He's a Colombian gentleman. I picked him up at the labor camp last night. His donkey shitting on my front porch gets annoying, but otherwise, damn... great coffee. It should be, he picks the beans by hand.

I'm kidding, I wouldn't waste a labor camp acquisition on my fucking java. I've got a rock garden sprouting weeds and a water feature that's pumping an 80/20 ratio of water/dirt. I've got bigger fish to fry. Namely Tilapia. The Hispanics love that shit.

I did get a coffee maker and what I thought was a killer coffee mug. A stainless job with a handle - completely utilitarian. Cost about $3. Then this morning, I saw a Starbucks ceramic cup that looks like a standard-Starbucks-issue normal cardboard cup and lid. It was ceramic! And it was $13. I wanted it. It is to my cup as an iPod is to a normal MP3 player. It does the same thing, but I fucking want it. How amazingly gay is it that I covet a coffee mug solely because of its appearance? Answer: super gay.

Speaking of answers, the answer to the "What's wrong with this picture" at the beginning of this post: Everything.

I'm thinking of doing another podcast. I had some notes written down and I think I lost them during the course of my purging of stuff out of my house. I'm going to use my DJ mixing board to record it. I've gotta come up with a game plan, but if I actually put some effort into it, I'd have a sweet podcast.

Note: People that are using @someonesname and #hashtags in not Twitter generated Facebook posts are fucking douchebags, masters in the art of douchebaggery. Why does this bother me so much? I have no idea. I'm an angry person that gets set off at the oddest things and lives primarily inside my own head dwelling on things that are trivial yet bothersome for hours on end. Like run on sentences.

I've got to get to work.

Brokedown Phallous

Degenerates:

I can't tell if my ambition to change every aspect of my life (except for my weight, apparently [throws saltwater taffy wrappers into wastebasket]) is fueled by a genuine desire for change, or sheer panic and anxiety. I've been having the heart palpitations that used to only occur after my fourth Red Bull in a sitting. I don't get boners when I should and I get them when I shouldn't. I'm a fucking wreck. Either way, when I'm done with all of my projects, life should be better. Or I'll kill myself. It's a draw. If I did kill myself, I'd do it in some sort of hilarious fashion. I'd jump off of a building and shoot myself in the head while I fell. I'd suicide bomb Mel Gibson if I could find him. My self inflicted death would be my last joke, but would likely be received like all of my other jokes: Shocking, uncomfortable, and people would laugh knowing that they really shouldn't.

But I digress. I'm on week three of not having expanded cable. My choices of shit to watch is certainly limited, but that's fine. I just have to wait for my shows to hit Hulu or for my Torrent client to bring me my "Entourage" and I'm knuckle deep into whatever I really want to watch. Other than being able to rewind live television, I'm not missing shit. Fuck Comcast. Fuck 'em. $100 a month to watch a bunch of infomercials? Why am I paying to watch shit that people are getting paid to show? It's a scam. Other than On Demand, there's nothing of value there. For $9.95/month, Netflix can give you all of the "on demand" you could ever want. Of course, you need Comcast internet for that to work really well. Damn.

I'm still contemplating my "low dough" budget wedding service. Something like $399 for officiating a wedding and DJing the reception. I DJed a wedding (my first) last Friday for some friends and think I worked out the bugs. Biggest mistake: forgetting to turn on my awesome disco ball during the dance part of the event.

Back to the Grill. Yo.

goochout

Drinking a Fifth on the Fourth

[I started to free write for a while and then pressing (read: billable) matters came up. I was honest enough with myself that I wasn't going to finish this later, but thought I'd publish a rough draft just the same. So if it doesn't make sense, it's because it's mostly notes and not a cohesive set of paragraphs. You ever start having sex with a chick and then lose the boner halfway through? That's what this post is. Peace, crackers.]

Confederates:

I love America. I love celebrating America. Every time I write something, drink something, eat pork, and tip a stripper - I'm always thinking about how great it is here and how fucked up it is in other places. We have it so good, that the only thing really keeping us down are the terrorist buzzkills who know everything about flying a plane except landing them and that figured out all the damage that a van full of fertilizer can do.

Am I arrogant to think that if we introduced our kickass way of life to the people trying to kill us, they might relax a bit? You're damn right I am. But I can be, so that's coo'. My arrogance and the arrogance of my forefathers is what makes this country so great. John Wayne, Star Wars, a natural disdain for literature, the arts, and Canada, soft core porn, hard core porn, paying too much for cable, non sequiturs. God Dammit! Quit sending troops to Baghdad. Deploy strippers, brass poles, and vinyl couches to the battlefields.

People in India don't have it so great there either. A woman who allegedly cheated on her husband has been locked up for five years, caned 99 times, and will eventually be buried up to her shoulders and have grapefruit sized rocks thrown at her until she dies. What kind of sadistic fuckedupness is that? Why do all of these cultures that think they're so much better than ours treat their women so terribly? I mean, we degrade women here but goddamn it we tip them at least a dollar a song.

Favorite Tweets of 2010

Followers:

I lack charisma. I can't talk for 10 seconds without losing someone's attention. Whenever I want to get a point across to someone it sounds as if I'm pitching a sitcom in an elevator at Fox. I have always had to be quick and concise when I speak to anyone. At least with my writing, I can't tell when I'm being ignored. Quite frankly, I love catering to the short attention span. It's why I haven't written a book. Well, that and lack of ambition.

Yet my comfort in concisity (I know) continues with a small independent website known as "Twitter." It's a website that allows you to write 140 characters or less at a time. It's a process that I call "microblogging" and I really think it's going to catch on. Here's my favorites from this year (so far).

Enjoy.

Gooch:Out



Two years into the first B.lack P.residency and the entire South ends up getting tarred. #paybacksabitch #conspiracy


Where was I when I heard that MJ died? I was driving on Hwy 30 and trying to text my dealer to cancel my propofol order for the week.
I watch curling the way a 6 year old watches porn: I have no idea what I'm watching, but I can't look away. #curling

Portland just ranked 50th in America for "manliest cities?" I can't wait to tell my esthetician about this.

Daniel Craig gay rumors? "I like my salad tossed, not stirred."

9:58 PM Jun 21st

Not to sound shallow or noncommittal, but can I get a new mattress that's super comfortable on one side and NOT comfortable on the other?

11:58 AM Jun 8th

Maytag recalls 1.7M dishwashers. When I heard there was a "dishwasher recall," I thought they meant an immigration raid at a restaurant.

4:47 PM Jun 3rd

RIP Rue McClanahan. Your "Golden Girls"character, Blanche, spat in the face of 80s AIDS and showed that promiscuity has no age limit.

9:16 AM Jun 3rd

Victoria Principal donated $200,000 to assist in resolving the BP oil-spill. Who donated $200,000 to Victoria Principal?

7:03 AM Jun 2nd   

Finally: officials have called upon James Cameron and Kevin Costner to assist with the oil leak. What took them so long?

7:00 AM Jun 2nd

"...now, if that's a fact, tell me, am I lying? 'Cause you, you're part eggplant." - RIP Dennis Hopper

10:54 AM May 29th

Tweet from the future: $18 for an oyster shooter? Thanks BP!

2:19 PM May 27th 

Delete . Tonight on Larry King: Paris Hilton salutes the troops. Sores and stripes forever!
7:59 AM May 27th

Idol winner hint: it's the one that isn't very charismatic, will likely not produce a top 40 hit, and will be forgotten in about two months.
10:01 PM May 26th 

Simon Monjack was killed by a drug overdose? Diabetes must've had the day off.

8:09 AM May 24th via Twee

I don't think I knew what good direction was until I watched "The Messenger" this morning.
8:49 AM May 23rd 

Bret Michaels survived a brain hemorrhage only to have a stroke? God is clearly a Crüe fan.
8:41 PM May 21st

I seldom find anything more disorienting than hearing a Christmas carol at the precipice of summer.
3:02 PM May 21st

Is installing fluorescent lights becoming a social statement and not just something that grocery stores and public schools have always done?

9:43 AM May 5th

Randy Quaid and Tito Ortiz are in Jail? How can I sleep while others are oppressed?


Delete . $18.5 million in punitive damages to be paid by the Boy Scouts of America to Kerry Lewis? Why couldn't I have been a more attractive child?

Watched Donnie Darko for the first time. Noticed that the actress who played Dr. Thurman was also in 1972's "Get to Know Your Rabbit." Ha.
10:05 PM Apr 23rd

I don't have any kids, so I took someone else's child to work today. Only lasted until lunch. Amber alerts are such buzzkills.
5:20 PM Apr 22nd

The World would be a better place if the ability to read was instinctive and making babies required a high school diploma.

1:58 PM Apr 11th

Going to start a bluegrass Alice in Chains cover band called Alice in Krause.

10:51 PM Apr 3rd

I believe that silence isn't golden, it's silver. At least when duct tape is involved.
10:58 AM Apr 1st

Hangover 2: It's gonna happen. Not sure if it's necessary, but why the hell not? [Takes another drink of breakfast beer, high-fives cat].

6:42 AM Mar 31st

Think Enterprise will deliver a rental to the bar at 2:30? With insurance; still cheaper than a cab. Don't want to drive my own car later.

9:30 PM Mar 17th

Tonight's the night that the Irish get drunk and brag about being Irish. Or, as my Irish friends refer to it: any given Wednesday.
7:29 PM Mar 17th 

Why do anchorpeople blame the meteorologist for a rainy forecast and not blame the metro reporter for a double-homicide?

Found out that my cat's diet consists of 30% carbohydrates, 20% water, 20% protein, and 30% speaker wire.
11:26 PM Mar 10th

Rest In Peace, Corey Haim. We all thought Feldman would go first, if it makes you feel any better.
7:25 AM Mar 10th
I steal ramekins.
5:18 AM Mar 9th via Tweed

How'd they get Notorious B.I.G. To play the lead role in 'Precious?'
10:45 PM Mar 3rd via Tweed

I hear that they're looking for a more masculine suitor for next season's "The Bachelor." Too bad Elton John and Liberace aren't available.
5:42 AM Mar 3rd

Anyone watching the Health Care Summit in Hi Def: check out the facial hair on Pelosi. Seriously, I just scratched my screen with tweezers.

Has ever a better tasting medley been yielded by the evolution of the culinary arts than that of Diet Pepsi and DayQuil? I dare say not.

"The Hangover" in the bedroom PS3, Taco Bell in the fridge for tomorrow. I choose to live simply so that others may simply F themselves. : )

 I want to write a screenplay about two janitors and a bowler who form some sort of underdog Olympic curling team.

I read in Men's Health that to feel younger, you should have sex like you did when you were 20. Anyone know where I can rent an '88 Integra?

Just Received a text: "what part of Portland has the most gays per square meter?" as I'm watching 'ABBA: The Movie.' Response: "My condo."

If it was possible, I think some of my friends would text to 911 dispatchers instead of having to talk to an actual person.

Happy Hour? I don't find anything "happy' about lowering drink prices and promoting binge drinking. Just kidding, I'll be there around 5:15.

So... www.meganslaw.com is NOT a dating website. Good to know. Good to know.

A new Wall Street movie starring Michael Douglas and Shia La-effing-bouf? [coworker lunges towards me, pulls gun away from my mouth]. Why?

Has McDonald's ever produced a commercial with a black person that doesn't rap or dance (or be Kobe Bryant)?

Lunch: Instead of a large drink, I ordered a small and just sat closer to the soda fountain. We all have to adapt to this down economy.

"Warning: alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication." Don't threaten me with a good time.

How come I never hear about adults dying after "faith healing" efforts? Do they just test this stuff out on the kids?

"Bring the dog, I love animals... I'm a great cook." Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) at the beginning of Fatal Attraction. Nice foreshadowing.

"You can get this prescription for pain medication filled at our pharmacy, or at any dive bar in Gresham."

####

The Smoking Gooch

And THAT's why I gave up smoking. I am the most unnatural, uncool looking smoker... ever. They should pass this picture around middle schools to make kids not want to smoke. Actually, I think my picture is passed around to middle schools, but they should show this one to the parents and teachers. Yeah, take this picture, give it to the kids and you'll eradicate teen smoking.

Related Tweet: Are you supposed to be able to taste a cigar 12 hours after you smoked it? #mouthwash

goochout