Moment of Truth

I mean... I officiate weddings. I've done eight. That's me, on the right. Eight weddings and still I'm seen as a shithead.

I'm a nice, vulnerable person with myriad insecurities that finds validation in trying to make other people happy through jokes or fixing computers. This website and a vast majority of my Facebook/Twitter posts are satirical in nature and not meant to convey any sort of reality. This website and, more recently Facebook/Twitter are like my "scratch pad" of jokes. As soon as something pops in my head that I feel is remotely funny, I post it. I'm not working on a stand up set. I'm not doing anything other than purging random thoughts into "The Cloud."

I feel what you people call "sadness" when I meet someone and I have to spend time explaining away things I've written. I know it's entirely my fault, but still, no one likes being pre judged.

Thank you, and Good Night.

John Gallucci

Star Bores

Kanucka Heads:

The Millennium Falcon, aka my Ford Escape is going into the shop today. It's developed a bit of a transmission fluid leak. And by "a bit," I mean a hemorrhaging so severe that I looked up the word "hemorrhaging" so that I could spell it correctly because no other word accurately conveys the situation.

This cramps a bit of my weekend. I had places I wanted to go. I'm so comfortable with the reliable piece of shit (180,000 miles on the Ford, which is like 800,000 miles to a Japanese car) - read: it's paid for, that I don't feel like looking for another vehicle.

So, weekend logistics are in a tumble.

There's nothing good about this post. I kind of like the photo of the sticker, which I'm assuming depicts a hot chick giving birth to a Ford logo. Sideways. Ouch.

I'm out. Happy weekend, fuckers.

G.

enilnohcoog - forever

If I say my name backwards, it sends me into the 3rd dimension. Which, apparently, is the catalyst of shitty movies since 3D has made its gimmicky comeback.

I hate going to the movies. People in public have no sense of etiquette. There's no empathy or thought that maybe one's talking or cell phone glow might interfere with others' enjoyment of the film they paid way too fucking much to watch.

The last movie I saw in the theater was the abortion of a war/alien movie titled: Battle: Los Angeles. Atrocious dialogue, shitty CG, plot holes... I actually felt sorry for the actors for having to deliver the lines they did. Embarrassing. Don't see it. Don't even pirate it. From my tweet:

I guess one way to battle video piracy is to make movies no one would download. Battle: Los Angeles... you sucked.

I haven't seen "127 Hours" yet, but that didn't stop me from tweeting about it:

If the boulder was a drunk chick and the canyon was my Dad's basement, then 127 hours would pretty much represent my 90s. 1 day ago

I haven't seen it, but "127 Hours" sounds like a 93 minute allegory of the "coyote ugly" joke.

The second tweet got the least feedback, but I thought it was the most clever. I mean, to link an old joke to a contemporary true story and feature film, well that's genius. If you ask me.

From Urban Dictionary: Coyote Ugly is when you wake up next to the woman you had sex with the night before,and you realize in your sober state that she is the UGLIEST woman you have ever seen, and you realize she is laying on your arm. Instead of waking her up to move, you chew off your arm to free yourself.

Hilarity!

Back to work.

goochout

Post 2000.

Two Thousand posts to this blog. Originally hosted on a web of various free web spaces available to my parents' two Teleport dial-up internet accounts, this site currently rests firmly on the Blogspot servers where all mediocre blogs go to become obscure.

I have not a lot to say on this landmark post.

Of course, lack of content has never stopped me from typing away. Having said that, I've achieved a few milestones this year. I've hit eight years of self employment (it's a lot like unemployment, just busier). I'm now typing my two thousandth blog post. From the end of last year through the beginning of this year I went six months without drinking (or Xanax).

I've found a renewed interest in home and work. I'm a new man. I just need to lose about 50 pounds. Christ... I've got a physical tomorrow and I feel... you know when you show up to class and you find out that the final is that day and you had all term to study and you didn't so you know you're entirely fucked and probably going to flunk? That's how I feel about my physical tomorrow. I'm about to go shopping for mumus.

I'm going to get back into the MMA stuff. I liked it. I like the people. It's a reminder that 40 minutes on an elliptical does not make for a true workout. I also like punching and kicking things.

I'll have to do something exciting and write about it for another "2000th" post. How many tries will it take for me to get a good 2000th post? The suspense is underwhelming.

jg

I'm not actually getting married on 11/11/11

I keep saying that I'm going to get married on November 11 of this year due to my numerological fascination with the numbers 1111. I've no concrete plans to get married on 11/11/11. I'm not currently dating anyone at the moment. It's just a mediocre joke I keep perpetuating on this site and some people read it and (understandably) are wondering where their "Save The Date" refrigerator magnets are. Or some shit.

I'm out.

G.

A rollerskating blog named Saturday

My Saturday. I woke up early, listened to some Phil Hendrie podcasts while I mustered up the will to get out of bed relished the day and imagined all of the wonder and opportunity it had to offer. Decent breakfast, caught up on some Hulu while I worked on a computer that had the most insidious viral infection. I love a challenge. I also love a clean, quick resolution. It's better for the customer and saves me some time.

Virus removal is my video game. It's my Zelda... my Mortal Kombat. Actually, Mortal Kombat is my Mortal Kombat. They've got a new one coming out next week. Have you seen the previews? I haven't. I'm just buying that shit. Seriously, sight unseen. I'm going to buy it and go on a Rockstar/MK bender. Nonstop, save for bathroom breaks and the occasional JO to Kitana or Sonya [apparently the 5th dimension of Doom has an amazing plastic surgeon]. I digress...

I've got another podcast brewing. I need to get my audio studio set up. I need a laptop. All of my audio needs will be met and I will have one more technological hobby with which to segregate myself from the rest of the population. You people. Ironically, the podcast is my most accessed yet least attended to outlet. I've got this internet popularity squared away.

I have my yearly physical next week. I usually schedule a month in advance. Kind of gives me a chance to cram for the exam. The exam cram. I've got a fucking week to lose 50 pounds and detoxify my everything. Ah, I love this time of year. Physical, then birthday. Thirty Seven years old. Then I get married on November 11, 2011. This will be a great year.

I got a letter of Usage Violation from Comcast for downloading Black Swan from a torrent site. I swear to God, if I get into some legal altercation over Black fucking Swan I'll turn in my Man Card. Which, apparently, has been in debate since my mani-pedi in 2002. If I was actually sued for downloading Black Swan, I would have requested that my name remain in legal documents and the title of the movie be changed to "Expendables." Or "Big Wet Asses 16." Or anything from the Vivid porn studio's catalog. Just not Black Swan.

Charlie Sheen: He's a rich child with no responsibilities. It's just that instead of sitting too close to the TV or running with scissors, he's banging hookers.

I'm out. Enjoy your weekend and be safe. Oh, if you haven't already, could you "like" my company Facebook Page? I hate this stuff, but I see I need 25 likes in order to get a company user name. I don't know what that is, but I want it. I too, am a child.

Link HERE

gooch

From Marisa to Mariska...

That's one special k...

I love Mariska Hargitay. I also love wine and lobster raviolis. As I finish the end of month work associated with self employment and catch a buzz and what could only be described as a celebratory indulgence of food and vino.

But tomorrow's the first. Some people have New Year's resolutions... I have new month resolutions. Going back to the gym fueled partly by fitness and partly because they double fucking charged me this month. I hate automatic billing and now that I pay attention to my finances I cringe when this shit happens. Now I've got a fucking chore. Thanks, shitheads. Thanks for punishing me for being a fucking customer.

Dude, it doesn't take much to give me a buzz. I'm crashing out early. Goochout.

I bet none of the above is even coherent. Don't care. Happy March.