Hey, how's it going?

Officiating a wedding this Saturday at Oxbow park. I hope I fit into one of my suits for the event. I just got a call that I may be DJing the wedding as well. My first combo gig. I've waited my entire 24 month DJ career for this chance.

 I've been substituting breakfast and lunch with freshly made juice consisting of kale, lemon, apple, celery, cucumber, and ginger. Then I eat dinner. You're supposed to fast for ten days on nothing but the juice, but social engagements make it so I'm eating in the evening.

I'm also training to run a 5K that I'm signed up for in October. I've actually run five kilometers on a flat track (35 minutes) and I've run on a 2.2 mile nature trail with a long hill that seems to kick my ass. The fact that I've actually run non stop for 35 minutes blows my mind. I get winded driving for 35 minutes.

Not a lot else to report. Low blood sugar and lack of alcohol has kept the tweets and the funny at bay.

I'm out.

gooch

If she parties this hard after her kid disappears...

She absolutely has to be good in bed.

Casey Anthony: Not Guilty?

Remember that's not the same as "she didn't do it."

I blew up Twitter today with some jokes that really might as well have been rehashed OJ Simpson jokes. Check out Twitter on the right.

My Twitter simulcasts to Facebook and the joke I wrote about the Sports Memoribilia was sort of copied and pasted all over the place. I mean, if you're a Facebook "friend" of mine then I'm going to see that you copied and pasted something I wrote and, while money is not at stake here, you should at least attribute the quote to the person that wrote it.

I've only said something once because the offender is a notorious douche that needs to be called out on shit in public because he's such a dick. Otherwise, when someone posts something on Facebook as their own something that I have written and people compliment that person on how funny they are or asking "where do you come up with this stuff" and there's no mention of the mentally ill man that is me who sits at lunch actually thinking up and typing 140 characters into his phone then, well, fuck you.

There. It's not the heat so much, it's the stupidity.

goochout.

Breaking Balls the Most Chicken-Shit Way Possible

Somehow, in a world where sights and sounds and logic and common sense don't follow conventional/earthly norms, a Portland Police Officer accidentally shot a guy with real shotgun pellets instead of a less lethal beanbag round (as was instended).

Oregonian: Man accidentally shot by Portland officer struggled with mental illness

I understand that human error exists and that no one is immune from it. I'm proud of our Portland Police and think that overall they do a great job. However, I drive 3000 miles a month and I haven't had an officer take that into account when I get a photo radar ticket for running a yellow light. In fact, it's starting to become a criminal activity to film officers while on duty. So, all we have to hold Police accountable is their immediate public word after the fact (usually disparaging the victim and not disclosing specifics about the officers' activities during an incident) and the secret Grad Jury findings that always find in favor of the Police.

So when this recent event occurred, shit popped into my head and I posted tweets with the @MayorSamAdams modifier so that the Mayor/Police Commissioner would see them. I was trying to be funny more than be a dick. Hopefully I accomplished both. If you've paid attention to the news of the Portland Police during the last year, you'll get some of the references.

I'm cutting this post short so that I can go outside and bask in the glory of all that is sunshine and bicycling. Salaam.

• @MayorSamAdams Just say it was a "pellet delivery device with a six inch handle." #rosiecoloredglasses 
• @MayorSamAdams Can citizens get their own PIOs to dispute the erroneous public claims made by the PPD about them?
• @MayorSamAdams Don't worry about it. I'm sure a Grand Jury will make it all better.

I'm John Gallucci and this is the 11:11...

Best joke ever (with regards to the drunk driving event that killed the Jackass star and his passenger):

"I'm Ryan Dunn and this is Drunk Driving"

I wish I'd written that line. I didn't, I merely reposted it on Twitter. I should have thought of it. I suck at comedy. I mean, such an obvious gem of a joke and I'm thinking of bullshit like "Ryan Dunn's middle name was "Iswell." I never posted that because it was too stupid even for here.

I need a vacation. Bottom line. The obviousness of life's jokes are passing me by.

goochout.

It's the new style...

Indescribables:

I'm working from a new setup in my "will-work-for-a-desk-downtown" office space. My Hackintosh netbook combined with an external monitor and I'm working remarkably well. I've provided ad-hoc remote support, interfaced with the corporate email, and joined a non-filtered wireless network so smut will flow freely through my workspace. I'm sure the Muslim Arabs from whose bandwidth I'm using would be happy to hear that.

I'm trying to run more. I'm clearly the fattest person to ever attempt any sort of running with any sort of distance in mind. I ran for 20 minutes on Monday which, at my rate of speed, translates to about a quarter-mile. I've signed up for an actual organized 5K run. An organized 5K run was one of my goals for the New Year. Also on the list was:


Compete in an MMA match
Get published in print somewhere/anywhere.

I don't remember what the other ones were. These are ambitious enough.

Back to the grind.

goochout.

DJ Priapism... lives

Suckers.

This site is now optimized for mobile devices. You know, for when Angry Birds gets boring.

I just purchased the new DJ laptop. I've even purchased the professional version of the DJ software I've grown accustomed to using. I have two gigs for DJing and one for officiating lined up. I have to fit into my suit(s); yet I sit here at my office doing office things. My checkbooks are balanced; my diet and exercise are not.

But my desk is wonderful. I can sit in my drafter's stool and while the cat claws at my ankles I can remote into people's workstations and fix problems  without intruding on their work days. I can balance my business and personal banking accounts. Manage my calendar. Listen to Sirius XM online. Watch Netflix on one screen while I do the aforementioned tasks. I sit down at this desk and shit will get done.

I'm trying to eat better... as always. Avoiding carbs as if I was a dick and simple sugars were herpes. I try to cut back on Rock Stars/energy drinks. But, my God, they're so good. I mean, have you had the Rock Star "Recovery" drinks? They're non carbonated so you can leave the can in your car and drink throughout the day. It may get a little warm but the caffeine remains constant. And the thirst quenching remains quenchant.

I found a show that I love, which means it'll probably be cancelled. "The League" is awesome. I don't know anything about fantasy football, or real football for that matter (the macguffin of the show). This show is up there with Blue Mountain State, Archer, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the other shows that warm the cockles of my funny bone.

I sleep now.

goochout.

PDX MUGSHOTS DOT COM

I love http://www.pdxmugshots.com/ . I look at it way too much. It's good to see what my friends are up to and it's like a yellow pages of drug dealers if I ever wanted to hit a new low in bender-ology.

Here's a couple faves:

Presumably was cited for riding a motorcycle without a helmet.

Sorry officer, I didn't know that eating leaves from low hanging branches was a crime.