I'm back from Reno.

The Blogger service (through which this website's blogs are managed) was down for a while. Sorry for the lack of updates. First off: "Odin," the dog discussed in June 17th's blog, was found alive and is now happy to be home with his family. After eight days, his owners had all but given up when they got a call from someone who found him.

And now, Reno. I did go to Fantasy Girls (a strip club) in Reno. I even bought a couch dance which allowed me to spend two songs (and $40) in pre-ejaculatory bliss. My jeans will never look the same under a black light again. My wallet and balls both almost got emptied that night.

The next night, my friend Erik and I (this was our reunion tour; see The Reno Column for a summary of the last time he and I went to Reno in 1999) went drinking at Rumbullions at the Silver Legacy and the to the famous Shooters, as featured in Comedy Central's "Insomniac with Dave Attel." We closed down Shooters, ending what was later discovered to be a seven-hour bender of Jack Daniels and Cokes.

Now I'm home, where the only towels I can steal are my own.

GOOCH: THE RENO INDEX

Amount of money I won playing Blackjack:
$55

Commission a brothel pays a cabby for bringing in clients:
20%

Price of a hot dog and a pint of draft domestic beer at Cal Neva:
$1.50

Amount of time spent in sound check before the "pool party" at the Sands Regency:
5 hours

Percentage of speakers working during the pool party:
87.5

Number of push-ups I did during entire trip:
60

Number of peel & eat shrimp I ate at the Harrah's buffet
39

Number of emails in my inbox when I got home:
368

Number of non-spam messages:
14

I was informed today that my really good friends' dog has gone missing. It's hard to talk in past-tense about a dog that could be still alive, or about a dog that you really, really hope is still alive, so I'll stick with the present tense. Odin is a good dog. Odin wants attention, like all dogs, but when he's told "no" he (often) obeys. He's good with his "little sister," baby Kara-Lee. One of the coolest things I've seen a dog do (besides play poker in that painting) is when Odin carefully positions a rubber ball on the top step of the patio stairs, and races down the steps in time to catch the ball as it rolls off the side of the steps. Effectively, he was playing fetch by himself as I looked on while drinking a Bud Light (the drink of choice at his owners' house). Odin is a much cared for, much loved dog... truly a member of its family, and I hope he returns home safely.

"From Justin to Kelly," eh?

I guess it was pretty handy that the winner and runner-up of American Idol 1 were an attractive girl and an attractive (albeit a Sideshow Bob looking motherfucker) guy. The movie rollout was handy. So, what's coming up for the winners of American Idol 2?

Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard from American Idol.

How about a remake of Tommy Boy? The song and performance of "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" could be a full on musical performance. If interracial relationships are still taboo in cinema and television, why not really break some barriers (so to speak) with "From Ruben to Clay." It's Ruben... It's Clay... it's gay!. I think that'd be super.

Fuck, I hate reality television. We used to watch TV to escape reality. Now it's reality variety shows? Do you think variety shows, a staple of the sixties and seventies, are really going to make a comeback? I've got five words for you: "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour."

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 11 days since my last update.

"Gooch, where you been?"

I've been chillin' in the lab. Resting on the laurels of my sweet-ass bumper stickers (see the last blog). I've been putting together a marketing package for a networking company. I've been lifting weights and guzzling creatine. I've been bouncing at the Skyland Pub. Essentially, I've been hustling up cash any way I can. I'm going to keep doing that, too. At least until the strippaz learn how to tip themselves.

Below is a snapshop of the office (uncensored):

WORKING UNTIL THE WEE HOURS UNDER NEON LIGHT. IT'S LIKE BEING IN A BAR, BUT I WON'T GET CUT OFF UNTIL I RUN OUT OF BEER.

THE SERVER RACK. FUNCTIONAL CHAOS.

VIRUS REMOVAL IN PROGRESS.

Word. New bumper sticker in the MERCH section, yo:

Click HERE to buy several.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING WITH ME.

(Click HERE to see why I HATE the movie industry).The other news item I read today: Buffalo 66 director booed at Cannes for latest endeavor: Brown Bunny.

I used to get high on life, but my dealer got busted.