A possible ending to the Biography of John "Gooch" Gallucci: Click HERE

You wouldn't know it, but I have a lot of fans. Three of them and they're all cooling off my fat ass in the sauna that is the upstairs of my condo.

IRISH CAR BOMBS: The greatest drink ever invented; I'm going to start having them for breakfast. Fill half a pint glass with Guinness beer and fill a shot glass with half Irish cream and half Irish whiskey. Drop the shot glass into the Guinness and guzzle it all, making sure that the shot glass touches your nose. That's good drinking!

T-Shirt of the Week:

I swear I didn't know she was only three

From the blog of MSK, here's the best news item this month:

HUNTING FOR BAMBI

The website that you'll want to go to after checking out the above story is: http://www.hungtingforbambi.com

I want to make a new movie called "Video Pirates of the Carribean." My main character would just run around with a laptop yelling "KaZaaarghhh."

I'm also working on scripts for a series of porn movies I'd like to produce. Here's some of the working titles:

Black Cock Down.
Womb Raider.
Privates of the Carribean.

My ex girlfriend called me and told me that she just watched "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days." She did it in about ten minutes.

I was dancing at an after hours club last night and I saw some guy steal some of my moves. It was as pathetic as watching someone steal blood out of an AIDS treatment facility. It's a bad idea. I can't dance.

Guys shouldn't dance. There's no way to look cool doing it. Sometimes you can't get out of it. The best thing to do is to go out on the dance floor, watch the moves that some other guy is doing (like the guy mentioned above), repeat observed move while adding some variation, and make your face look as though you've been drinking since 10am that morning. This way, when someone is watching you wondering if you're dancing or having a seizure, they'll just think you're plastered.

I hung out with some long distance runners this weekend. They talk about doing "quick 20-mile runs" with the same passivity as I talk about crawling out of bed in the morning. They say shit like "I woke up at 4am this morning, which almost didn't give me time to run 50 miles before work" or "I just had both of my legs amputated, so I was only able to do a 10-mile sprint."

I lost my check card again. Somehow I've managed to hemorrhage cash despite my lack of access to it. I haven't slept in four days. The party ends today, I'm going to bed early.

Open letter to porn movie script writers: I can't believe that, in this day and age, porn movies still attempt to maintain a plot line. Some even go so far as to throw in plot twists and character development.

Character development? If I don't need to know a girl in order to have sex with her, I sure as fuck don't need to know her to jerk off to her. I think the Fast-Forward Button manufacturing industry is throwing money at porn film makers to keep the weak plots and bad dialog from the cutting room floor. Christ... I was watching some smut last night and this couple was throwing out quotes from Confucious, Socrates, etc... just stop it. Don't insult my intelligence. Or my fast-forward button

I'm meeting some people for happy hour this afternoon. My entire life is one big happy hour. Happy hour is a phenomenon in existence as an excuse for the working person to drink before going home to the spouse and kids. I remember the good old days when a spouse and kids were reason enough to drink.

My Mom just had her gall bladder removed using a laprescopic procedure. This means that instead of a large incision and two days in the hospital, I'm going to be picking her up seven hours after her surgery.

I, on the other hand, had my appendix removed and instead of getting one of those progressive doctors I got the Black Hand of Death with his fucking scalpel likely sanitized over an open flame. I've got a scar on my gut that increases and decreases in its enormity as I gain and lose weight and I spent two nights in misery at the hospital.

Opinions are like people... they're all assholes.

- Michael P. Henry

Before there was GoochOnline, there was Gooch and Mike: The Column. Mike Henry is in town from Vice City and we're tearing up Portland the only way we know how: Losing at pool and picking up on the chicks that beat us at pool. It's the most fun I've had in a long time, dammit.

Next stop for me is Idaho where I'm going to continue to get my ass kicked at pool.

Get your "I [club] baby seals" sticker today! In the Merch section above

You... Dumb... Fuck...
Damon Stoudamire arrested for drug possession

...[Metal] Detector set off [by] Stoudamire [as he] was preparing to board a plane for New Orleans when he placed a plastic bag wrapped in aluminum foil and other personal belongings into a tray after they set off an airport metal detector.

Security officials summoned police, who asked Stoudamire what was in the aluminum foil. He responded: "You know what it is," the report states...

Yeah, they'd know what it is Damon because you've surpassed Isiah Rider as the KING OF ALL POT SMOKERS in Portland. Congratufuckinglations. You know what's dumber than taking illegal drugs wrapped in ALUMINUM FOIL through a metal detector? The Blazers are going to send Damon to rehab. The concept of going to rehab for marijuana "addiction" was a joke in the movie Friday but is real life in the Blazers organization. Maybe I should go to jerking-off rehab or Grand Theft Auto rehab? Is there a stupidity rehab? Damon graduated out of the same high school system that I did. I guess marijuana addiction is one of the unavoidable pitfalls of athletic success. I haven't even smoked marijuana since becoming unemployed because I DON'T WANT TO BE AN UNEMPLOYED GUY SMOKING POT. Now... last weekend was an absolute fucking alcohol bender. Morning, day, noon, night.... beer, beer, beer, Bacardi. And I loved every minute of it, baby.

Speaking of a healthy lifestyle... I've gotten a couple of sessions at Colin Hoobler Physical Training in northwest Portland. Good stuff, great trainers. Tell them that John Gallucci (that's me) sent you so I can get free sessions.