I went to the zoo the other day. I went with a three year old because places like zoos, aquariums, or even a city park are so much more majestic when viewed through the eyes of a child. So we walk through the zoo, hand in hand. "Look... a zebra, a tiger!" Truly magnificient. All that majesty went out the window as soon as I started thinking about the fish.

All of God's creatures are special. All of them except for the fish. Fish are God's bitches in terms of the animal kingdom. No one worries about the fish. Some vegetarians even eat fish: "Save the pandas... save the whales... smoke the salmon." No one gives a shit. Jesus was a fisherman. I can picture Christ himself feeding animals out of his hand one minute, then catching a fish by hooking it through its mouth, pulling it out of the ground, and beating the shit out of it with a full can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. All God's creatures? My ass. Fish are fucked. Hooking it through the mouth and beating it do death with a blunt object? Did one of Scorcese's ancestors invent this concept?

Maybe fish deserve it. Millions of years of evolution and they still can't figure out that convenient, dangling earthworms in the middle of the water are safe to eat. How does it go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm battered and deep fucking fried?"

Can you imagine being a three-year-old having to go to the zoo with me? Lucky kid: therapy awaits!

I fell asleep while driving yesterday. Oh, I woke up, but a feeling of perplexness is all that kept me from counting sheep as they hit my bumper (or maybe they were cows, it was dark and on a country road).

Why is it that the human body's instinct to sleep is so much more powerful than its instinct for self preservation. I'm tired, but I know that falling asleep will lead to certain death, maiming, or higher insurance rates. Catching some Zs should not take priority over controlling a vehicle, yet that headrest never felt so comfortable, the road noise never felt so soothing. I have to jerk off twice to fall asleep in bed, yet I don't need to rub one out to fall asleep while driving 80mph down a freeway. It just doesn't make sense. I'm in dreamland behind the wheel of my Ford, people are honking all around me, and I'm slapping the dashboard as though it's a snooze button: "Just five more minutes..."

I had sex with a Chinese girl last night. I was horny a half hour later.

messcam

If you ask where the men's room is and the only response you get is "why?", you might be a Jackson.

If you've slipped rohypnol into Kool-Aid, you might be a Jackson.

If you've ever brought Play-Doh into the bedroom to "spice things up," you might be a Jackson.

If you find yourself sitting in a chair videotaping an apology, you might be a Jackson.

Janet Jackson is so full of shit. It's all working to her benefit (new single out in spring, 2004). Timberlake is saying that he didn't know what was going on and that he was "shocked." If this was all an accident, it was the best choreographed accident of all time. God... I'm really starting to not give a shit... wait... nope... don't care.

I'll get you naked by the end of this song... indeed. Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson put the 'XXX' in XXXVIII during the Super Bowl half time show.

DRUDGE: OUTRAGE AT CBS AFTER JANET BARES BREAST DURING DINNER HOUR
SUPER BOWL SHOW PUSHES LIMITS

Click HERE for Drudge story.

Three million twelve-year-olds spontaneously reached puberty during the half-time show at Super XXXVIII when Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson's right breast at the close of their musical performance. CBS says they didn't know it was going to happen and I sincerely call "bullshit." They cut away from the stage really quickly, but they knew what they were doing. CBS was bombarded with complaints ranging from "my kids don't need to see that sort of thing" to "can I see the left one." It was only a split-second on screen, but I still managed to get a splinter when my enormous penis shot through my jeans and hit the bottom of the wooden table where I was sitting. If you blinked, you would have missed it, except for the 18-billion websites that will shamelessly post the close up pictures of the 'event' (like I did).

Still, this is the first time in recent history where the game was still more exciting than the half-time show.

Holy shit.

It's been 35 hours since my last cigarette. Over the last two months I managed to acheive a pack-a-day habit of smoking Marlboros. "Marlboro red... in the box."

Since I've had a cold, smoking hasn't appealed to me outside the need to curb my withdrawl symptoms. So, I had a cigarette after a job Monday night and gave the rest of my pack to my Girlfriend.

At the 24 hour mark, symptoms of my cold and symptoms of a severe nic-fit were taking over. My girlfriend, premenstrual, was also chemically imbalanced and tired from dealing with a three-year-old all day. Because of the volatility of the situation and my need to wake up early this morning, I lovingly opted to stay at my own place by myself for the first time in months.

I woke up in my own crib at 4am. Bored as fuck. Television wouldn't cut it. Radio wouldn't cut it. I completed some website work. Schuck's auto is open 24 hours, why can't Fry's? I need parts for today's job and I'm likely going to get fucked and Circuit Shitty or some punk operation like that. $30 for a Cat-5 segment? Lick my balls. I had to get out of the house this morning. McDonald's opens at 6am. I was the first in line. It's funny; I was one of five cars in the parking lot, waiting for the doors to unlock. No one else wanted to be the first in line. I walk in, place my order, turn around and there's five people behind me. Sociology is a motherfucker. I'm not tired, but it's early and I'm on cold meds.

Quitting smoking sucks. Just this morning I've started to smell things I didn't smell before. My condo smells. My car smells. I need to buy Lysol or start smoking again.

Working security at Skyland Pub this weekend. Should be cool to get with that group again.

I know... this is bad. Nine days without an update, longer since an update of any substance.

MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY!

I'll post something cool by then. My unemployment checks ran out so now I have to start really slangin' tech support. I'm hosting some new sites... check 'em out:

Jus4Fun

Silver Krown

Pub 181

Gooch: hiatusing like a mother-effer.