I received this via email; someone got this information from a KATU (Portland, OR channel 2) news segment:

Tired of coming home to find a big plastic bag on your porch stuffed with a couple of fat telephone directories that you'll never use? Want to save resources (trees, energy, oil--which is what most plastic bags are made from--and possibly landfill space)?

There is a way people can opt out of receiving phone books dropped off at their door.
For Verizon, you can call (800) 888-8448, then push 2.
For Dex, you can call (877) 243-8339, and then push 2.

Most plastic bags are made from oil? I thought they were made from the flesh of unwanted orphans. I'm switching back to paper.

Happy Birthday, Al Pacino

goochout

Own a piece of history:

Nextel 7100i Blackberry (Ebay)

And... by "piece of history," I mean my old stuff. It's actually a barely used phone, so if any of my three friends that still use Nextel are in need of a Blackberry/Smart phone device, bid soon and often.

It's 6:23pm and I'm drinking a sugar free Rock Star beverage that I started drinking while I wrote the last blog entry (8:00am this morning). It still has carbonation, meaning that Rock Star beverages are mixed and canned somewhere in the fifth ring of hell. Have you ever started drinking a beer at 7am, only to try to finish it off around 6pm? It's flat! You can't drink it. Rock Star defies physics. I defy logic.

E! released a True Hollywood Story on Mariska Hargitay. I watched it last night and let's just say that the wrist-motion-winding watch I wear will now not have to be wound until 2011.



I learned on the THS that Mariska survived a childhood filled with wealth and nurturing parents to emerge as a star today. She was even arrested once. For outstanding parking tickets. It was a pretty boring THS, to be honest. I could have watched it on mute and just made up the things she was saying:

"My hard edged side in my role as Livia Benson was mostly inspired by the hours I spend reading "GoochOnline."

"I didn't hit puberty until I saw the Toddler Gooch during a family vacation in 1976."

"I first fell in love with John Gallucci when I saw him rob Ice-T on the set of SVU."

Yes... I carjacked Ice-T once. I even copped a feel on Coco before I let her out of the car.

I guess I'm implying that I masturbated while watching the entire Mariska Hargitay True Hollywood Story and the fast and lengthy wrist-action wound the watch (presumably on my jerk-off wrist) enough that it needs no more movement for another three years.

goochout.

New car.

Thanks to everyone who came out last night. I had a lot of fun. Thanks to Greg and Betsy for the cake. Thanks to Stefanie for being my designated driver. Thanks to John/Vertigo for the awesome drinks and venue.

With every year I get older, the recovery time from the night before increases almost exponentially.

Ready for a new week.

goochout.

Birthday Party: Saturday, April 19, 2008 - 8:00pm - (tomorrow night): Vertigo: 4260 SE Hawthorne Blvd Portland, OR - 97214 (503) 234-2423




A computer supplier I frequent has an assistant manager. This person is very nice over the phone; extremely helpful and was very contrite when I had a complaint.



Problem: this person is a man who dresses like a woman to the point where I think we're supposed to think he is a she. He's not fooling anyone and it's very unnerving to see a man dressed as a sort of punk rock girl.


Being gay is fine. Whatever people want to do is ofuckingkay by me. What I take issue with is the notion that we can go to work or out in public dressed however we want. it's not a costume party and this isn't halloween. If he's a man and he "feels" like a woman, what's to keep me from "feeling" like a pirate or an astronaut and coming to work dressed as such every day? I purchase things from this person frequently and my opinions certainly haven't affected my ability to do business with his employer (their constant lack of stock and apathy to do anything about it has). That said...



Ick.



******


I'm drinking a can of Rock Star that I started to drink yesterday. "Gooch," you ask, "wouldn't it have gone flat by now? Nope! I used a Jokari Can Pump and Pour (with alcohol and girls, it's usually pour and pump, respectively -- giggidy). You use this device to pump and store air back into the can so that it never goes flat. I think it works for beer, as well (not that I've ever intentionally left a can of beer undrunk).





******

goochout.

Birthday Party: Saturday, April 19, 2008: Vertigo: 4260 SE Hawthorne Blvd Portland, OR - 97214 (503) 234-2423

Played soccer last night. Instead of the obligatory post game "high five," the other team handed us boxes. When opened, the boxes revealed... our asses!

Indeed, our asses were handed to us last night. At least the other obligatory post game ritual, a trip to the Lucky Labrador brewpub, turned out alright. I also ran into my ex in a gas station parking lot (figuratively, not literally) and I ended up having more beer at a nearby bar, thoroughly negating any health benefits from the soccer game I had just played.

Grand Theft Auto IV is coming out April 29th. It's the only PC game I've ever purchased. I've never owned a console game system newer than a Sega Genesis. I play Atari 2600 and emulated old arcade games on the PC. I have purchased GTA3 and GTA: Vice City. GTA4 is not available for the PC. Finally, I have an excuse to purchase a Playstation 3.
http://www.rockstargames.com/IV/

"I've ever purchased. I've never owned a console game system newer than a Sega
Genesis. I play Atari 2600 and emulated old arcade games on the PC."

So, did that quote just absolutely dry up my female readership (literally and figuratively) or what? Wow.

Back to the grill.

goochout.

Birthday Party: Saturday, April 19, 2008: Vertigo: 4260 SE Hawthorne Blvd Portland, OR - 97214 (503) 234-2423

Reason #542 why not to get married.




She's... crazy!?

Here's the CNN story that made me search for this vid... HERE

Tricia Walsh-Smith is 25 years younger than her now skewered husband, Philip Smith. Did he think he wanted her for anything other than his money? His fucking awesome looks? Listen, if you're lucky enough to bang a chick that is so much younger than you... don't marry her. It can't lead to anything good. If you're in your thirties for example, and you date a girl that's 20; don't expect the relationship to last past, I don't know, age 21.1. Young girls like to fuck lots of guys that are close to their age. Your old ass did not change that fact. You're a fluke. Bang a 20 year old... tell all your friends about it, (post a video of it on YouTube for all I care) then get the fuck away from her.

If you bang a 20-year-old stripper... get into a Delorean, go back in time, and find yourself in the bar an hour before the act, and say "NO... stop it... no..." hit yourself with a rolled up newspaper and drag yourself out by the ear. There are plenty of 20 year olds with father issues to bang. They're called baristas, college juniors, and waitresses.

Gooch:Out

Um... Tricia... call me if you want. You seem cool and I totally understand how that bastard husband of yours has destroyed your life. I so get your video! Lets get that son of a bitch together. I love you.