GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

I need help. I'm a little bit out of control right now. I'll probably wake up tomorrow and delete this. It's 4:40am. I've gone through a lot this week and no one will care because it's all stuff I brought on myself. I brought it on with good intentions but I don't think I was thinking too clearly. I'm 31 and I know I should be starting a family, working a corporate job, have a house with a backyard, etc. I don't. Instead I work 15 hours a week, pay someone to clean my place, and spend time wondering where my best friend and I are going to have lunch during the day or drink that night. It actually sounds pretty cool on paper (or screen). I figured married by 25 and for some reason I picked someone for a relationship who I'm going to have to end up testifying against because I'm going to be subpoenad to help her son's Father get full custody. I'm not biased, but the truth will lend itself to that. I walk into bars and I seem to know everyone and they all seem to like me. I make out with random girls that I'm barely attracted to. Am I seeking validation? I have a best friend and he has pulled me out of two bars in recent months to keep me from getting my ass kicked. What life is this? With work, I'm so grateful to my customers who allow me to be self employed. Whenever a company says "customer appreciation" in front of a sale or a slogan or something I truly understand what is going on. I know what every customer means to a business owner. It's good knowing someone trusts you with a chunk of their lives and disposable (and sometimes not) income. I've learned never to take anyone for granted. In the last seven months I've told more people that "I love" them. It's because I truly do. I picture my life without them and I'm glad they're there. Imagine the most important people and things in your life and think about life without them. I know the people in New Orleans miss their homes more than they thought they ever would. We go through life in cruise control... it's numbing to think about the day in-day out lifestyle. We're cogs in a machine with the occasional vacation. Everyone needs a fight club. Everyone needs an Old School. I'm the #1 bachelor on the planet and I spent the better part of two years trying to maintain somewhat of a family with a girl and her son. It's ended badly. I'm not upset because of the girl, but because of the wasted time. I guess; I don't know. I was okay being a cog. Enchanted Forest trips, beach trips, Zoo trips, and so forth. Now I'm sort of in a single lifestyle whirlwind that I don't think any one of my friends can relate to. Add to that an inabilty to know when to stop drinking during the course of an evening and lonliness and anxiety turns itself into a pretty good drinking problem. I don't have a problem with drinking; I have a ton of booze at my house that I never, ever touch unless guests are over (and sometimes not even then). I have a problem stopping once I've started. I am fairly anxiety ridden and I think anything that eases that makes my brain think that more is always better. It happens, I'm not alone. I'm sorry I badmouthed my friends that had initial concerns about me. I guess when you live alone and you end up being self employed and making decent money it lends itself to a funky, party lifestyle. I'm not stopping anything but I think I'll seek some sort of counseling to sort out my life. I spent so much time trying to make my life look uncomplicated that it ended up being a nightmare. I'm not alone in self control issues. I think everyone has them. It's okay. Get help... I rely on my friends to call me a "loser" and to tell me I'm "better than that." It's not healthy. I have customers who are doctors and have acknowledged specific conditions that I have, which I've somewhat ignored. I'm going to try to address these. I think everyone should. It sucks because I'm probably going to delete this tomorrow when I have a clear head. I hate taking pills. Ironically, since I have no problem putting other stuff into my system. People who you'd think have their shit together are so screwed up that they kill themselves. I would never do that because I have too many people left in the world to piss off. My work isn't done. I guess if I'd released Nevermind then a shotgun to the head would be acceptable(?). We're all a product not of our environment but of the choices we've made in life. Anyway, Eurotrip is on and it's so unfunny that I can't miss a minute. GOOCH:out.