Fuck yeah. My room at the Bellagio in Vegas is like my condo... except classy. Remote control curtains, a shower big enough to fuck in, two queen size beds for mid air stripper to escort transfers, and internet access costly enough to rival my mortgage. My laptop is hooked up and I'm already checking my email, updating the blog, and downloading pirated music and smut.

My wad of cash is made entirely of stripper supplied funds through my work at Montego's. Each Portland stripper supplied dollar bill smells curiously like an absentee father, broken dreams, and trace amounts of cocaine; which is funny, because that's what the entire city of Las Vegas smells like.

Viva Las Vegas... indeed.

goochout.

Ummm.... yeah... this site is sort of on the Millenium Falcon tip. Gets the job done but not 100% functional. I just need to redo this site. You can view the full length columns and pictures by clicking the menu links above. I think you can still buy shit, too.

Watched the last Sopranos of the season. Not only did nothing happen... nothing appears to be going to happen. They couldn't have thrown in a cliffhanger? And how the fuck am I supposed to get into this Christmas theme? It's God-damned June and I'm watching the Soprano family gather around the Christmas tree? What the fuck?

I'm bringing my laptop with me to Las Vegas so I can keep rewarding you, the reader, with uplifting life observations such as the paragraph above this one.

Happy Birthday to Nikki, Emily, Kay, Meggan, and all the other Geminis that have made my life say... more interesting.

"Your vagina is like Star Wars, Episode III. Everyone's seen it and they're pretty disappointed." - Me throwing a very nerdy insult to a friend of mine.

See you in Vegas.

goochout.

The former incarnation of this website should be restored soon. I kind of like the Martha Stewart look, but the original site had so much more material - full length columns, pictures of me, pictures of porn stars with me. You, the reader, deserve more material.

Mad props to Gregster for setting up the server space.

Note: Viewing this website is not meant to take the place of actually meeting/getting to know me. There's more to me than occasional bursts of text written at 2am. I believe that the World is a better place because I'm here. You should live in a way that you can say that's true for yourself.

Okay, I fuck up a lot but the needle tips toward "better" for the most part.

Three days to Vegas.

My Myspace account: http://www.myspace.com/goochonline

I'm pretty fucking edgy lately. It's been good... fueling a drive to get shit done and accomplish long standing tasks. This weekend I accomplished downloading a lot of Korn tracks and drinking beer. I wanted to get a girl's phone number tonight but I sort of chickened out. Maybe the opportunity didn't arise but classic Gooch would have gotten those digits. I've got a wingman playing cleanup for me and I may come out a winner.. It's how I roll - contingency plan.

I'm a shy person. Ain't that a bitch.

I'm going to Vegas for a week soon. A week in Vegas time is like two months in real time. I'll have to get a job down there. A funny prospect considering I couldn't find a job here. I don't know what I'm going to do for seven days. Water park, hotel pools, buffets, drinking, strippers. It's pretty much like home. Honestly I'll probably mellow out in Vegas. How crazy is your life when Sin City is a peaceful escape from the pitfalls of life at home? Living on my own in Troutdale without adult supervision hasn't always led myself into the best situations.

"Arsenio Hall will host a show called "Good Morning Black America." It will air at 2pm across the country." - Paul Mooney as Negrodamus on the Chappelle show.

Ah yes... bask in the glory of the first full length column I've written in a long, long time (see the last post). Leave it to my middle school crush to request it. Small world indeed.

Speaking of small world, a few customers (and some friends) have asked if I'm in a television commercial. Yes, I filmed a couple different sessions and they re cut and use the footage over and over again. Here's a capture from one of the commercials:


I shaved the beard after I saw that commercial. Fuck that beard.

Mad props to Greg for a killer barbecue hot tub party on Monday.

Rescue Me season premiere on tonight. That should keep me out of a life of crime. For tonight.

I'm working at Montego's this Friday, not Saturday like usual.

You're not going to mention this in your blog, are you?
- The first thing said upon awakening by the last girl with whom I've had sex.

Last night I received an email asking that I discuss "e-dating." Defined, I suppose, as meeting potential dates through online services as opposed to "traditional" means of meeting people.

What are those traditional means? I offer bars, the office, and church. Two of those are bad ideas and one I don't know too much about.

Bar meetings are almost always alcohol involved, so judgement is impaired. A relationship that starts with a night of virtually anonymous drunken sex is not necessarily a good way to start dating someone, nor is it really a good life choice. Also, in the course of a relationship whose genesis occured in a watering hole, one person may be more inclined to spend three or four nights a week in a bar while the other may want to spend time at home, causing conflict in the long run.

The office is an incredibly sober way to meet people. Dressed in office attire under bright flourescent lights, you and your potential mate could even have a supervisor as a potential object of joint disdain. It's still a really bad fucking idea. As long as you and the other person are in the same "rank" or corporate level, it's okay. If one of you gets a promotion instant conflict can occur followed by a breakup and (worst case scenario) legal issues. Bottom line: It all leads up to the moment that you don't get a blow job because your girlfriend is pissed that you changed the brand of coffee in the break room.

Church? I haven't been in a really, really long time. I've considered renting a catholic church for a week just so I can get a confessional session completed in one fell swoop. From the moment I hacked the parental lock code on my Dad's satellite dish unlocking a pandora's box of smut (I think one of the movies I saw was called Pandora's Box... starring Pandora) it's been a downward spiral for me landing smack into a strip club gig and, well, this godforsaken website. Confession? I might as well just get baptised again.

But it's probably the best place to meet someone as you're both sober, dressed up, and share common spiritual beliefs which is likely the cornerstone for a healthy relationship. I really don't care what religion someone is: if it keeps you from fucking with me in some way then we're cool. More power to those who've led a successful life by following religious doctrines.

Electronic dating? MySpace, HotorNot, Adult Friend Finder, Craig's List, Match... there is an infinite range, purpose, and number of websites/services that people can use to meet someone. Any meeting is always begun by one person seeing a thumbnail picture of another person. That fleeting glance across the page and some low-res webcam photo catches your monitor strained eye. The girl (and I say "girl" because it's easier to relate to and for me to write) has a cute smile and you’re drawn to her profile, but the jacked picture of a girl whose hobbies include: cooking, cleaning, cuddling on the couch and watching movies, eating at inexpensive restaurants, counting her inheritance money, watching sports, and sucking cock might be missed because you spent too much time looking at the profile of a cute girl whose photo is of her in a cheerleader outfit.

The fundamental foundation of any meeting online is pretty shallow. I’m sure a lot of meetings online have culminated into functional relationships but it’s hard to get away from the fact that most men probably approach dating online with the same apathetic shallowness in which they seek porn online. People that discuss their meetings online with me (whether I want to discuss it or not… being single and having a website and working on computers somehow invites people to engage me on the topic) primarily find that the internet is a good source of a couple of dates that lead to nowhere, a good source of one night stands, and a threesome (in one case).

The best thing to come from online dating is the pedophile busts by Dateline NBC and PervertedJustice.com. Watching some average Joe drive 150 miles with a couple six packs of Zimas and the dream of scoring on a 14 year old girl only to get interviewed on national TV and aggressively arrested by the local police is truly the reality TV I can get behind 100%.

I suppose my bottom line on online dating is that certainly some magic could happen (I haven’t watched “You’ve Got Mail” because that phrase is associated with AOL and, well, fuck AOL) but in all honesty it’s likely a way to be disappointed in a lot of potential mates at one time in the privacy of your own home instead of , say, a bar, the office, or at church..

goochout

Met a girl online who likes "computers and gadgets" and works in the computer industry. She's a systems analyst and as long as I've been in the technology field, I've never fully understood what a "systems analyst" was. I think I know now:

Customer: Can you please analyze my system?
Systems analyst: It's fucked.
Customer: Thank you, my secretary will write you a check.

Of course, my website and/or moonlighting job will screw up any chance I have with a girl that doesn't pay her rent in one-dollar-bills.

My hips don't lie: goochout