I have to get a new mattress. It's like the Lone Ranger getting rid of Silver or Michael Knight getting rid of K.I.T.T. You could create an entire human being with the DNA you could scrape off that mattress. My girlfriend told me that the mattress is killing her back, and quite frankly it's killing mine, too (although I haven't admitted that to her yet). It's a living, breathing history of my bedroom life. Wine stains, the smell of massage oils, tears in the fabric from cheap rings, mascara stains. I didn't have sex with everyone I wanted, but with everyone that wanted to have sex with me. God dammit, I want to create my own Smithsonian: Gooch's mattress, Gooch's Atari, Gooch's first burned CD from 1996 (the Godfather Soundtrack), Gooch's Star Wars toys, the condom wrapper and shower cap from the hotel room where I lost my virginity, unimportant stuff like diplomas and trophies.
Oh well, so long good friend.
Rules... again (I'm sure I've done this many times before... just go with it).
It goes "In sickness and in health," not "In thickness and in health." Go on a diet you fat bastard/bitch. No wonder your wife is fucking your best friend/your husband is fucking everyone he can.
Quit saying "I'm Rick James Bitch."
Quit saying "Where's the Beef." (Sorry, my material is a little stale).
Girlfriends are like cars. If they break down on you three or four times, you probably don't want to take them on a long trip.
It's okay to date someone with kids, but establish a six-month rule before meeting them. The best way to avoid this situation in the first place is to date someone too young to have kids in the first place. Hey, you know where they are from 8:15 to 3:01 on weekdays.
Don't binge drink after 30, no one thinks it's okay after 30. If you date someone in their 20s and you're in your 30s, don't bitch at your significant other for his or her binge drinking. You got that drunk at that age, too.
Don't hang anything from your rear-view mirror. Ever.
If your name is Jennifer Garner, quit calling me. I'm taken.
No comments:
Post a Comment