GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

You're not going to mention this in your blog, are you?
- The first thing said upon awakening by the last girl with whom I've had sex.

Last night I received an email asking that I discuss "e-dating." Defined, I suppose, as meeting potential dates through online services as opposed to "traditional" means of meeting people.

What are those traditional means? I offer bars, the office, and church. Two of those are bad ideas and one I don't know too much about.

Bar meetings are almost always alcohol involved, so judgement is impaired. A relationship that starts with a night of virtually anonymous drunken sex is not necessarily a good way to start dating someone, nor is it really a good life choice. Also, in the course of a relationship whose genesis occured in a watering hole, one person may be more inclined to spend three or four nights a week in a bar while the other may want to spend time at home, causing conflict in the long run.

The office is an incredibly sober way to meet people. Dressed in office attire under bright flourescent lights, you and your potential mate could even have a supervisor as a potential object of joint disdain. It's still a really bad fucking idea. As long as you and the other person are in the same "rank" or corporate level, it's okay. If one of you gets a promotion instant conflict can occur followed by a breakup and (worst case scenario) legal issues. Bottom line: It all leads up to the moment that you don't get a blow job because your girlfriend is pissed that you changed the brand of coffee in the break room.

Church? I haven't been in a really, really long time. I've considered renting a catholic church for a week just so I can get a confessional session completed in one fell swoop. From the moment I hacked the parental lock code on my Dad's satellite dish unlocking a pandora's box of smut (I think one of the movies I saw was called Pandora's Box... starring Pandora) it's been a downward spiral for me landing smack into a strip club gig and, well, this godforsaken website. Confession? I might as well just get baptised again.

But it's probably the best place to meet someone as you're both sober, dressed up, and share common spiritual beliefs which is likely the cornerstone for a healthy relationship. I really don't care what religion someone is: if it keeps you from fucking with me in some way then we're cool. More power to those who've led a successful life by following religious doctrines.

Electronic dating? MySpace, HotorNot, Adult Friend Finder, Craig's List, Match... there is an infinite range, purpose, and number of websites/services that people can use to meet someone. Any meeting is always begun by one person seeing a thumbnail picture of another person. That fleeting glance across the page and some low-res webcam photo catches your monitor strained eye. The girl (and I say "girl" because it's easier to relate to and for me to write) has a cute smile and you’re drawn to her profile, but the jacked picture of a girl whose hobbies include: cooking, cleaning, cuddling on the couch and watching movies, eating at inexpensive restaurants, counting her inheritance money, watching sports, and sucking cock might be missed because you spent too much time looking at the profile of a cute girl whose photo is of her in a cheerleader outfit.

The fundamental foundation of any meeting online is pretty shallow. I’m sure a lot of meetings online have culminated into functional relationships but it’s hard to get away from the fact that most men probably approach dating online with the same apathetic shallowness in which they seek porn online. People that discuss their meetings online with me (whether I want to discuss it or not… being single and having a website and working on computers somehow invites people to engage me on the topic) primarily find that the internet is a good source of a couple of dates that lead to nowhere, a good source of one night stands, and a threesome (in one case).

The best thing to come from online dating is the pedophile busts by Dateline NBC and PervertedJustice.com. Watching some average Joe drive 150 miles with a couple six packs of Zimas and the dream of scoring on a 14 year old girl only to get interviewed on national TV and aggressively arrested by the local police is truly the reality TV I can get behind 100%.

I suppose my bottom line on online dating is that certainly some magic could happen (I haven’t watched “You’ve Got Mail” because that phrase is associated with AOL and, well, fuck AOL) but in all honesty it’s likely a way to be disappointed in a lot of potential mates at one time in the privacy of your own home instead of , say, a bar, the office, or at church..

goochout