The XANAXLOVER.com cap is here, baby. Click HERE to buy it. it comes it white, khaki, and gray.

GUILTY... that psycho dog owner, Marjorie Knoller, is going to jail for letting her dog maul someone to death. Marjorie is truly a woman that I love to hate and I'm glad this came out the way it did. The husband (who wasn't home at the time of the attack) is facing sentencing as well.

Oh, yeah. I bought www.xanaxlover.com today. It will soon link to this page soon. I've got a few domains. I'll list them and if someone wants one to point to their site, I'll probably do it if convinced.

I was brought up Catholic. I met a lot of Catholic priests. No, I wasn't molested. My friends were, though. See, I was a fat kid growing up. A fat kid who apparently wasn't attractive to the priests in my parish. I remember sitting on the playground at my Catholic school, eating an ice-cream cone, giggling while little Billy was being dragged off to Father Laughlin's custom van.

The Pope spoke out today against child molesting priests. Great political move, by the way. One of the solutions being thrown around by the Vatican is to remove the rules against celibacy historically imposed upon Catholic priests.

Well, fucking great. Is the rationale here that priests couldn't have sex with women, so the next logical step is ten-year-old boys? I'm no saint, but I've always thought that consensual sex with a woman is significantly lower on the sin scale than child molestation.

Holy shit (so to speak).

The bass player for one of my all time favorite bands has started his own "Blog." Check it out HERE

My email is back... I'm showering in spam, porn, and requests for help from Nigeria once again.

Tried to email me lately? Dotster has F-ed me somehow and I'm not getting any emails. If I haven't responded to any emails, it's not because I'm a stuck-up bitch, it's because I haven't gotten any email.

Your patience is appreciated during these trying times. - Gooch

I know there's been a lot of rumor and speculation, so in the interest of the general public, I'll finally make the announcement that you've been waiting for.

At 11:47am on Friday 15, I purchased an SUV. A Ford Escape.

The biggest question now is "where's the Goochmobile." I still own the Goochmobile and it is still the Goochmobile.

I dig the Ford, though. I've owned a couple of Fords. I wrote about one... click HERE for another classic Gooch: The Column.

My new rig is a V6. Actually, it's a V12 that I special ordered. Six of the cylinders simply funnel raw gas onto the street. I love wasting gas (to my Canadian friends, I love wasting petro). In my new truck, I spend a lot of time just driving around, eating high cholesterol foods, trying not to spill beer on myself, and trying to run over as many cats as possible.

Damn, I love being an American.

Okay, I know that NIMDA is a big, gaping, weeping, open sore that sits on the big penis that we like to call the internet. However, this site is virus free once again. A Jehovah's Witness office(?) or something was built and opened up the street from my apartment. I'm thinking that the ultimate irony would be a "No Soliciting" sign on their front door.

Speaking of the J-Dubs... has anyone heard about the recent family slaying/suicide that occured in McMinnville Oregon? A guy, who moved to Oregon after being kicked out of his JW parish in another state (Oregon is like the fucking Mecca for psychos... remember the Rajneeshees?), killed his four kids and himself last week. Between Andrea Yates drowning her five kids, this guy killing his four, I'll bet you $1000 that if you ask your kid(s) to do the dishes tonight, they'll do them. This makes Joan Crawford look like June-goddamned-Cleaver.

No wire hangers!!!

I got hit by the Nimda virus today. This reminds me of the first time a virus interrupted my system... and my life. Click HERE for another recycled column from my archives.