Grandma Gooch in Full Effect: Police: Woman, 75, used age to scam car dealers
(Thanks, Jenna).

I tried the low carb thing a while back, lost a lot of weight, then I had a twinkie and now I'm a fat fuck again. It was hard, peeling the bread off of every goddamned thing I wanted to eat. The words "no potato, please" never entered my vernacular until Atkins slipped and fell onto the icy sidewalk known as my nutritional regimen. Now everyone is on the low carb tip: Subway, Godfather's pizza, Blimpies, Burger King, and others. I'm back on the wagon and since my wacky blood sugar levels aren't going nuts, I've managed to stay off Paxil and quit beating my girlfriend. I'm mellow, listening to Abba and the Go-Gos a lot. It's easier to stay on Atkins when every restaurant in town is on the bandwagon. I do, however, predict that if this trend continues, toilet paper will be rendered obsolete by 2007.

Back from the dead. Like Christ, only with the inability to grow a cool beard. I'm going to film a porn movie and title it "Passions of the Gooch." If they can come out with titles like "Sopornos, Osporns, and Pocahotass," Why not my own spoof of the most popular religious effort since the Bible? Am I going to hell? That's cool, it's just east of Troutdale. I'll just drive my handbasket.

The FDA is looking into the possibility that antidepressant drugs may worsen depression and even lead to suicide. The drugs are: Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor, Celexa, Remeron, Lexapro, Luvox, Serzone and Welbutrin.

I never took a science class in college. I'm glad, too, because science is historically full of shit. What's the recommended diet now? High carb, low fat, carbs with a little fat, high protein, high fat, high carb with fat on the side? They can't figure this shit out. Now you're going to tell me that a drug that's supposed to combat depression may intensify it? That's like saying your condom may have it's inside lined with herpes. It's like saying that your motor oil may have sand in it.

Although, the bottle of NyQuil that I'm chugging right now says that over consumption may lead to excitability and sleeplessness. How the fuck did they do that? It should lead to nothing less than a fucking coma. I took Paxil and almost killed myself because it caused my dick to quit working. No lead in the pencil. Not for anyone, not even for the copious amounts of porn at my disposal (needless to say, my hand's feelings were hurt). It didn't matter, Paxil gave me the personality of a head-wound victim, so no one was gonna lay me anyway. Stay off the pills and just be an asshole.

They've opened up a Hooters in Beaverton (west of Portland). Would you believe that there were protesters at the opening? This Hooters is right across the street from a FUCKING STRIP CLUB! Not a school, not a day care, not a church. It's across from Stars Cabaret. These picketers need lives. Or a basket of wings. Spicy or regular.

GOOCH WITH JENNA JAMESON AT STARS CABARET. HOOTERS INDEED.