Continuing with my ongoing obsession with cable television, I've been watching Animal Planet (AP). This is a cable channel that consists of programming aimed at pets, pet lovers, pet breeders, and the unfortunate souls whose remote control batteries died just as Animal Planet popped on the screen.

Think of it as the Playboy Channel for people that are into bestiality.

On an upcoming show on AP, they're going to feature some regular person whose dog has a "knack" for finding murder victims. What a real fun f*cking dog to have at home. Imagine the follow-up therapy necessary for the kid who gets led to a corpse when he walks the dog.

I have to go buy new batteries for my remote.

-gooch

I spoke with a representative of the band HOTBOXED and was confronted with the fact that I hadn't listened to their or the other 11 CDs I received outside of the Paris Theater a few weeks back. I will get to them. My CD player in the Goochmobile finally crapped out. If anyone can score me a deal on a deck/amp/install I would greatly appreciate it and shamelessly plug you or your band/business in my next column in Jam and on this site. That's a value of $5.

-gooch

In Portland (Oregon), it is pretty much an unwritten rule that if you're in a downtown bar and a black man over 6' 2" walks in wearing a suit, you ask for his autograph. I witnessed this phenomenon last night while catching a jazz show at a new club downtown. Two men: 6' 6" and black; the other 5' 2" and white (what Portlanders call the Blazer/agent combo, or in most cases the Blazer/parole officer combo) entered the club and sat down. Immediately, two chicks walked up and got the black guy's autograph. I didn't recognize him. I thought, "how goddamned funny would this be if this was just two dudes getting off work and these girls assumed that he was an NBA player." If anyone checking out this website happens to be really tall, black, and owns a suit, email me and we'll hang out together - signing autographs and getting drinks bought for us.

Blackdudeinsuit ended up being a former Portland Trailblazer. Olderlittlewhiteguy ended up being some older little white guy.

Hey Portlanders: I will be at the Satyricon tonight at 9pm checking out four kickass bands: DFiVE9, Docile, Head of Lies, and Atom Sane. DFiVE9 is sponsored by Jagermeister and if you come up to me tonight (this means you have to show up at the show) and ask me, I'll ask the band for Jagermeister merchandise so you don't have to. This offer is only open to people I've never met before.

-GOOCH

So, "post partem depression" is the new legal defense of the new millenium. I know all about this affliction and I know the power it can have over someone. After my appendectomy in June of this year, I suffered from post partem depression, or "PPD," as those of us in treatment call it. After my appendix was removed, I nurtured it for a while, but I just couldn't bring myself to love it. I started losing my sanity. I carried the little bastard for 27 years, and now that it wasn't inside me... I guess I became emotionally lost. I started to drink more, it was affecting my job. Then, my girlfriend told me that the appendix was taking too much time away from her and she felt like she was competing with the extracted organ. I didn't want my girlfriend to leave me, so I did what I had to do. I strapped the appendix into its car seat and put it into my truck. After driving for a while, I parked at the edge of Laurelhurst Pond, a man-made pond in Portland, OR. I released the parking brake and let the truck roll into the water.

I feel awful.

This is week two of a horrible bout of insomnia. This is what sleep depravation conjures up inside my brain. Where the hell is the God Damned NyQuil?

-gooch

I was watching the news, as I often do lately, and I saw a series of interviews of people who were associated with Aaliyah, the latest musician/plane crash fatality. Among the important R&B figures (R. Kelly, Quincy Jones) was the two chicks from the absolutely horrible sitcom "Sister Sister." These twins, who got more screen time in this interview (about 10 seconds) than they have in the last two years actually said that Aaliyah was "really down to earth." What a great way to describe someone who died in a plane crash that hit the ground. Sonny Bono was a real tree hugger, too.

-gooch

Hey, sign my guestbook. It's been way too long since someone has blessed this site with their signature and witty comments.
-gooch

Ted Kennedy and Gary Condit: The double date from hell.

I was watching CNBC this morning and they've actually begun covering not just the people involved in the Condit scandal, but also the people covering the scandal. Soon, someone will do a feature on CNBC covering the people covering the Condits. It's like a media pyramid scheme. If this keeps up, in about three years, some network in Zimbabwe is going to do a story on the fact that I wrote this entry into my log.

I got my first tooth 'cap' yesterday. It cost me a fortune, but it is one less tooth I have to brush. Think of the time I'll save in the morning.

-gooch

Read my Airlines Suck II column for a prophetic mention of why airlines and musicians don't mix. I'm of course referring to the tragic and untimely death of Aaliyah in a plane crash in the Bahamas. I have 10 one way tickets for the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync if they would only take me up on it.

-gooch