I understand that weddings and engagements abound this season. Ladies: you've nagged enough that your man has given in to your demands and purchased a ring priced at two month's his salary. Congratulations girls! He's allowed to soon let you hold half of his assets hostage.

Until one of you dies, that is.

Engagement rings and particularly the "promise ring" are simply "woman, shut the fuck up" rings. The promise ring is the best. This is when a woman moans about settling down and so some genius decided to create a segue token between "everything's cool the way it is" to "Will you marry me." The promise ring simply states "I love banging you, I don't think I could immediately find something better, so here's something to tide you over for another six months." Also, a promise ring worth over two hundred dollars almost guarantees a blow job.

Being single and looking at things from the outside has really given me some perspective. I've seen people get engaged with ambiguous wedding dates set. I've watched men in terror as they're nagged at dinner in front of his friends about commitment, moving in together, and shit like that. Nothing drives a man's face further into the ass of another woman than his girlfriend of 13 months looking at real estate brochures and subscribing to "Today's Bride Magazine".

And what about children? Biological clocks and ticking time bombs sound the same to a man: ominous as hell. Sleeping in, jerking off, watching porn in semi seclusion are things we must be weaned from, not yanked away by a pregnancy test turning blue.

In conclusion: I've got to go get ready for work at a strip club. I'm going to drink, hit an after party with semi clothed chicks, and hopefully pass out into the arms of a girl whose name I couldn't care less about and who certainly isn't looking for a ring from me.

GOOCH:OUT

My server is down. Data is backed up but I'm using this as an opportunity for a significant upgrade. Right now I'm sort of like the Death Star: Kicking ass but really fucked up right about now. My email and website will appear different for a little while.

A "special friend" was going to visit me this weekend but her "special friend" showed up early this month. Trip cancelled... Fuck!

I love children but I hate Dakota Fanning.

I love sluts but I hate Paris Hilton.

I worked 10 billable hours today on 4 hours sleep last night. I'm tired as hell. Tomorrow I get to sleep in for real. Yay.

GOOCHOUT

I'm back.

Man, it was good to go to the beach. I love salt air, I love gambling and winning. I love getting drunk with the local meth heads. The house in which we stayed was awesome. Even the weather warmed up for us. And... my head is clearer. For now.

Vacation is like masturbation for the soul.

And withdrawal symptoms are nature's way of saying "Don't stop doing drugs." I forgot my meds over the weekend and by Sunday night I was vomitting and not feeling so good. I didn't sleep last night and my brain feels a bit fried. Have a meeting this afternoon and then I sleep.

My friend is setting me up with a girl. I have a phone number and everything. Through a bizarre coincidence this girl was a Portland State cheerleader and she and I were part of a Hawaii trip in 2000. Small world, indeed. I'm not big on dating right now but it might be nice to have a quiet dinner with a girl I have yet to offend. My two ex girlfriends are sadly out of my life and my (female) best friend is really pissed at me.

Ahhh... but I've got a beach trip under my belt. My Mom says I sound less stressed. Hopefully I'll kick some ass this week (work wise).

GOOCHOUT!