GOOCHPOURRI

Today I've listened to Dr. Laura, watched Dr. Phil, and now I'm watching Maury. Maury: Paternity tests revealed!

Out late last night, no sleep. The nightmares have ended though which is good, because they sucked.

Sometimes my life is a nightmare, just without the clowns , carnies, and midgets running around.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT: MSNBC: Boy starts breathing as he's prepped for funeral.

I need one nap or two lines, whichever comes first.

I'm watching Maury right now. Some of these paternity test cases are so, so white trash that I'm surprised they didn't do maternity tests also. If I was Maury, I'd ask "in what year Chevy Nova were your children born?"

GOOCH WATCHING MAURY... MY BRAIN IS FUCKING MELTING RIGHT NOW... I CAN'T LOOK AWAY

I'm not napping today. I'm armed with Red Bulls, so it's on.

Tomorrow on Maury: Tall skinny men who have sex with big fat chicks.

Watched Intolerable Cruelty today.

Gooch (The Personal Finance Tip): If your significant other flies you out to the Maury Povich show, it means your relationship will end shortly after; start looking for a new place to live before the trip to NY. I love that people fly their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife out to New York to announce to a nationwide audience that they've been cheating.

I've been using tanning booths since 1990 and have never burned my penis. I've often wondered "why does my penis not burn in the tanning beds?" Whoops... happened today. I don't need condoms with spermicide, I need condoms with aloe vera.

Working at Skyland Pub tonight.

Single mom overwhelmed by recording industry suit.

Kids are now not only the worst STD, but they're the most insidious computer viruses also. It used to be that a computer virus merely deleted your files at worst. Now your bank account can get deleted as well. Peep the story, yo.

Post Script: This morning I was almost run off the road by two enormous trucks (welcome to Troutdale, baby). Two different times; I guess meth doesn't wear off until later in the morning? I always say that guys buy big trucks and SUVs to compensate for their small penises. "Gooch," you ask "why did you buy a small SUV?" To make my penis look bigger by comparison. Look at those bags under my eyes [see picture below]. I look like Al Pacino in "Insomnia," without the facelifts that make him always look surprised. I want to sleep so bad, but I can't and I have work to do. Whine, whine, whine.

GOOCH: out.

Gooch: an army of one.

Snoop Dogg is getting divorced. A "divizzle," as one news story put it.

Had a nightmare this morning. Woke up at 4am, could not go back to sleep. I'm into distracting myself lately and the most mundane of television broadcasts have my full attention. At 4am at someone else's crib I'm watching infomercials, reading fine print in cell phone ads, and hyper channel surfing. I wanted so desperately for something to be open so I could get out of the house. Twenty-four hour society? My ass. Safeway by my house doesn't open until 6am and those cocksuckers had me waiting outside until 6:05am.

BearShare is doing its thing for me. I've kept the ads at bay. So far the free version is okay in my book.

I'm so tired.

CNN Health: Boy born from 21-year-old sperm. Can the baby legally have a drink then? How does that work. As a professional ID checker, I'm faced with these challenges often.

Every news station and news website is headlining with this story: Hair Woes: Blame your parents Scientists discover "bad hair" gene. Did we cure AIDS yet? My friend has cancer but scientists are working day and night to figure out why people have bad hair? EVERY goddamned scientist on the planet should be working on AIDS and cancer. Nothing else should matter. Christopher Reeve can't walk, so suddenly there's strides to reverse paralysis? At least he's alive. Science sucks.

I'm Gooch, bitch.

As suggested through emails and comments on this blog, I downloaded and installed BearShare on my computer. My first inclination was to install another computer (a Pentium II or something) on which to unleash my file sharing endeavors. Like a Chasey Lain video and Vaseline Intesive Care hand lotion, BearShare gets the job done. My system is stable for now, but I'm cautious. You can buy a version of BearShare, but that's not my style.

BearShare website.

When you care enough to send the very best (and you really, really, fucked up the night before), call:

Nancy's Floral
2001 NE Burnside Rd,
Gresham, OR 97030
503.661.0911

Dean Vernon Wormer: "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Goddammit... it's all I know.

I'm reading a book without pictures: Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life. Okay, I just opened it long enough to see that there are no pictures. It's the first thing I've read in a long time that wasn't published by Microsoft.