Gooch: The Column for February 2002
(The last G:TC to be published in Jam Magazine, which is closing up shop this month)
From Gooch: The Column posted on www.goochonline.com November 26, 2001: Remember to be safe this holiday season… stay within your budget, under the legal blood alcohol limit, and the fuck off the airlines.
From CNN.com posted December 27, 2001: Officials say Richard Reid hid 10 ounces of PETN-based material, a version of the plastic explosive C4 that is very sensitive to heat and friction, in each of his shoes when he boarded Flight 63 in Paris on December 22.
If you’re literate, please read the next paragraph. If you’re illiterate, have someone read it to you: WE ARE UNDER A-FUCKING-TTACK! Jesus. I am 100% for going about our lives in a normal fashion in the wake of 9/11. I believe in going to work, going home, watching television, spending time with family, downloading porn, and going to sleep. I think that people who have gone about their lives in the usual manner are courageous themselves. But why get on a plane? For work? That’s why God created conference calling and PC Anywhere. Air travel has always been risky, but even more so now.
It’s not rocket science in figuring out that these guys know our biggest weak spot: the airline industry. Things are supposed to be getting better in terms of air travel but even the new aviation security law slated to take effect in 2002 doesn’t necessarily require that airport security prospects have a high school diploma. Rather, the law gives discretion to the Transportation Department to allow for someone with work experience to become employed as an airport security screener.
Well, fucking great. Someone who didn’t have the ambition to sit in a classroom from 8:15am to 3:15pm five days a week is now qualified to protect us from the forces of evil? I’m not getting on a plane until Chuck Norris and the entire goddamned Delta Force is checking bags.
******
Didn’t get the computer game or the Palm software, or the CD that you wanted for the holidays this year? Steal that copy of Flash 5.0 or Mariah Carey’s Glitter CD by using Morpheus, my new favorite file sharing application available from www.musiccity.com.
******
Predictions for 2002:
I predict that Oregonian columnist Jonathon Nicholas will rename his column “Uninteresting Shit About People No One Cares About”
I predict that Willamette Week will publish a special issue featuring photo ideas and CD reviews that they ripped off from other magazines/websites.
I predict that the Mercury will rip-off Willamette Week’s idea to publish the above special issue.
And without naming names or raising accusations, please take the Pepsi challenge with the next two passages:
Excerpt from Gooch: The Column published in August 2001:
The stories on “Behind the Music” tend to be formulaic at times. Typically a nobody band gets a break, becomes famous, one of the members overdoses/crashes a car/gets arrested/all of the above, the band produces a #1 ballad/hits the mainstream, breaks up at the peak of their stardom, reunites ten years later, and is currently working on a project that you will likely never hear about again.
Excerpt from The Oregonian published Saturday, January 5, 2002:
[Regarding VH1’s Behind the Music]Each episode follows a distinct narrative arc: Young dreamers form band; band struggles’ band succeeds; sex/drugs/alcohol-fueled dissipation ensues; failure and/or breakup results; wake-up call occurs; bad habits are cast aside; band re-forms/revives/cuts new album/returns to charts.
I still think the most interesting and informative section of the Oregonian is the Fry’s Electronics advertising insert.
******
And now that I’ve severed all ties between myself and any publication in Portland that might pay me to write, it’s time for the Jam good-bye.
I’ve gained a lot from my time at Jam Magazine. Like fifty-fucking pounds. Also, I’ve made a lot of great friends in the local writing and music industry. I’ve gone from being oblivious to the music scene in general, to actually participating in it through publicity work or even appearing on stage operating lights for a band.
I do hope that another local music ‘zine emerges. There’s a lot of great CDs and band stories in the local scene that are so painfully ignored by the mainstream press.
I’m kind of like herpes when it comes to the local music scene. Actually, herpes is like herpes when it comes to the local music scene. However in a figurative sense, I’ll likely always be in the background and I’ll pop up when you least expect it. I wouldn’t be here without Jam Magazine and I want to thank everyone at Jam for the great experience.
Later.
Gooch.
