...And chin work! That's what else Jenna Jameson did... a chin implant. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ - bring that plastic surgeon before me, to the court of Gooch and I will dole out swift and merciless justice. I mean, did Jenna hold up a picture of also-a-bit-past-her-prime Houston and say "make me look like this?"

Porn favorite Houston; a before and after. What a fucking tragedy. Plump lips might look good, but swollen, infected looking lips do not.

How many other porn stars are doing this? I mean, I wonder if something went wrong in their childhood that would put them in the mindset to do this? It's as if they're trying so hard to gain the approval of strange men because of issues they might have had with their absentee fathers.

Damn... some people are concerned with Katrina victims, AIDS, cancer... I've spent a chunk of time addressing a cause that I hold dear to my heart: The unnecessary plastic surgery of porn stars.

Some people might not know that Jenna Jameson, the brown alligator below, is currently 32 years-old.

Jenna Jameson with some arm candy and Jenna with Tito Ortiz, UFC fighter. I know that these pictures are taken nine years apart, but what the fuck happened to Jenna Jameson's face? Lip injections? Tanning? You mustn't fuck with the face! There is no plastic surgery exact enough to not screw up something. If it isn't broken, I dare say not fix it. Jesus... she looks like a leather belt:




















Finally, something to keep even me from going tanning again. Where's my sunblock? Fuckit... where's my welder's helmet?

March 3rd, 2007, will mark three years of my "unemployment."

Just got done at the gym and don't really have time to post this blog, but I will.

I think I'd do better on the treadmill if I was holding a stolen stereo or something. Running for the sake of running doesn't make sense to someone with the fat gene; it's impractical.

I saw my friends' baby for the first time since he was born. I haven't gushed over a kid like that in a long time - you'd have thought that he was my child.

Went to my friend Betsy's birthday on Saturday. The best part was the canldelit cake/happy birthday song: Her boyfriend, my friend Greg, was so nervous about dropping the cake as he carried it out to the living room to surprise Betsy that he walked past her - she actually had to move out of his way - so that he could walk into the living room, where he assumed she was. Good times.

Alright. To the shower.

I'd been having some issues with my heart beating irregularly over the last few days. The fact that my heart would be skipping beats or beating too fast began to give me anxiety, which increased the duration of the irregular beats. I was so worked up that I took a Xanax to alleviate the tenseness and inevitable panic attack that was sure to come. Not only did I feel better, but the irregular heart beating went away.

There was a Dilbert comic a few weeks ago where the CEO informed the employees that their health care was being replaced with Google: everyone would have to "Google" their symptoms and the subsequent treatment.

I took a shot in the dark and Googled "irregular heart beat anxiety" and found out:

Rapid or irregular heartbeat

Uncomfortable changes in heart rate are the most frequently reported symptoms of panic attacks. Over 80% of those experiencing panic list a rapid or irregular heart rate as a symptom.

Three complaints are common among patients who seek a doctor's advice about their heart: "My heart feels like it's pounding violently in my chest," "My heart is racing, " and "My heart feels like it skips a beat." An arrhythmia is any irregularity in the heart's rhythm. If the heart beats more rapidly than normal, this arrhythmia is called tachycardia. An unpleasant sensation in the heart, whether rapid or slow, regular or irregular, and of which one is consciously aware, is called a palpitation.

See? I figured it out. Ten years ago I had the same issue and they hooked up a heart monitor to me for four days. It was like having a walkman but instead of headphones there were five sticky things stuck to my shaven chest. I just needed to Xanax up a bit. So, this weekend was brought to you by caffeine, Xanax, and Jack Daniels. A recipe for fun, indeed.

goochout.