I've switched a lot of my alcohol consumption to caffeine consumption. It's as though I can't deal with my brain chemistry as-is. So I bought a huge trucker cup full of extra caffeinated coffee at the Shell station yesterday. As I was driving to a meeting, the person with whom I was to meet suggested over the phone that we go to Starbucks. I put my coffee down and as I turned to change directions in an effort to get to the Starbucks my large cup tipped and spilled coffee all over my right leg.

Fuck.

I go to the meeting at Starbucks and as my colleague and I were discussing important shit he knocked his cup off of the counter and spilled his Caffe Americano all over my left leg.

Fuck again.

I still managed to drink a lot of coffee yesterday. My urine smelled like the inside of a Starbucks at one point yesterday. Or, does Starbucks smell like my urine?

Right now I smell like cologne, sex, energy drink, hair product, and tanning lotion. I need a shower. Or a hobby.

GOOCH:out there.

According to Wicked Wireless, one of the Jenna ringtones is simply her
saying "Get this fat fuck off of me." No one is sure where or when it was recorded.

I was jerking off to the Spanish channel this morning. I'm not sure why I like stroking it to Univision. Is it because all the women on almost all of the shows have big tits and asses? Or... is it because I can't understand a fucking word they're saying. I don't hit mute... I know they're talking. I just make up what they're saying in my head. Women say the dumbest God damned things. That should be a show. Cosby had "Kids Say the Darndest Things;" I want to host a show called Women say the dumbest fucking things." Men say dumb things, but when we do it the night ends right there:

Man: I saw this hot fucking stripper last night that looked just like my ex-girlfriend.
Woman: Take me home.

Women can spend an entire night saying stupid shit because men will put up with it in an effort to get laid. Every straight guy (and probably some gay ones, I guess) on the planet has spent an evening trying to keep from rolling their eyes or getting pissed off and thought to themselves "as soon as I bang this chick I'm never calling her again."

I mean, guys have some pride. When we're with a girl, we would like to pretend that we're the only guy she's slept with. We know we're not, but it's not good to fucking remind us. We want you to be filthy and fucking vile in the bedroom, but we don't want to know where you learned it.

This brings me to another point. Men, when you're with a woman you should love her. Cherish her. Treat her like she's your princess. You should also defuckingfile her like a German shyza whore. Fuck every orifice you can: vagina, ass, mouth, ear. Make videotapes of said lewd acts. Screw her in front of her friends. Screw her in front of your friends. Take her into South American countries and screw her in front of seven year olds. Do this because, when she leaves you for someone else, you can look at that guy with his"I won the lottery" look in his eye and take comfort in knowing that he'll never, ever do to her what you've done to her.

Meanwhile, I'm gearing up for a big project at work. The lucky girl that gets to call me her boyfriend and I have been acting domestic for the last week. We've been spending money on groceries instead of booze and spending time at home. My house is actually clean and almost looks like a human being lives here instead of a slovenly bachelor. Am I growing up? Probably not. I'm growing cleaner, though.

GOOCH:out