Saturday, October 22, 2011



Disciples:

You have to understand something. I hate everyone on Facebook. Seriously. If you're on Facebook, the odds are stacked against you that I like you.

I'm already spotting the flaw in my logic. Sure, if I hated everyone on Facebook, then I wouldn't be on Facebook at all. Exceptions include: Anyone in my family, my friends' kids' photos that are few and far between and not shoving every breath of your fucking child down the throat of my social media pipeline. Some people, because they're genuinely, well, genuine, show the occasional photos of their children doing things like carving pumpkins or going off to their first day of school. I like this. I have "friends" on Facebook that I don't know who the fuck they are. Yet, inexplicably, I love seeing the milestones their children surmount.

Others think that every fucking toddler sneeze, cough, and bowel movement needs to be documented on the interweb. Fuck you and fuck you for projecting your narcissism on your children. You're merely setting them up for a life of self absorbed douchiness.

And, speaking of douchiness: The fact that you take pictures doesn't automatically make you a professional photographer. Seriously... Every shithead with a 6MP camera that takes a picture of a tree in black and white thinks they're a motherfucking Ansel Adams. You're a schmuck with a consumer grade camera. Get over yourself.

Oh, and the rest of you: If you're taking multiple photos of yourself a day doing different routine activities because you genuinely think that the general public (your 2000 "friends") will find those photos of you drinking coffee and looking into a computer interesting... I hate you. I may be your Facebook "Friend," but I literally hate you and I observe your posts the way a teenager smells his own farts. I know it will be gross, but I somehow feed on your absurdity.

I almost posted pictures of examples of those I hold such vitriol towards. I refrained, not because I'm a humanitarian. But rather, simply, I'm not shitfaced enough.

eff:off

gooch:out

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Seven Stages of Grief as experienced by me this morning:




1) I can't believe I left my cell phone at home today.

2) I let myself and others down by leaving my cell phone at home today.

3) I'm very upset that I left my cell phone at home and would change my life for the better if it would somehow make the phone appear on my desk.

4) I miss having my cell phone with me.

5) You know... I might be okay without my cell phone.

6) I can work around this... my phone's contacts/phone numbers are accessible on my laptop and I can use an office phone to make calls.

7) I've accepted the fact that I don't have my cell phone with me and I concede that my day will never be the same, but I'll find a way to move forward.

(Originally posted on Facebook 10/15/2011)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tweet that didn't make it:



So, do Native American strippers actually make it rain?

I feel as though this joke HAS to have been made before. And, I don't like making too many stripper comments on Facebook and Twitter. You know, I don't want to get a reputation.

Gooch:Out

Friday, September 23, 2011

Wait, what?



What have I done lately:

After a successful (read: I didn't hock my plane ticket for some gambling scratch and road coke) trip to Vegas, I slipped back into Portland obscurity. I prefer Vegas obscurity to Portland obscurity because, well, it's Vegas.

I like Vegas for reasons other than most. I mean, I like clubs, gambling, good food and soaking the front of my shirt with vodka and stripper glitter. Sure, I like swimming pools with live DJs and drink specials at 1pm. But there's more to it than that.

I mean, not much more. We (girlfriend and I) stayed in New York New York where, once we stepped out of the elevator, a world of food and retail awaited us. We never had to leave the climate controlled confines of our hotel. Ben and Jerry's, Haagen Dazs, gourmet pretzels, a Nathan's Hot Dog restaurant, an arcade, a roller coaster... they can even put your picture in three dimensions inside a crystal cube. HOW THE FUCK DO THEY DO THAT? New York New York is a magical place. Word the hotel has started construction on a themed rollercoaster using two miniature fiberglass747s passing through miniature buildings has proven untrue. In a related story, plans for a similarly themed nearby hotel called "Iraq Iraq" have been scrapped. That sucks, because I was looking forward to getting my drink on at the Allah Ack-Bar and Grill.

Wakka wakka... indeed.

And I love Starbucks. I know that their coffee grounds are the largest example of profitable mediocrity to ever have hot water run through it. I know that the food is only good due to its convenience and pairing with coffee. Truth be told, I love watching Starbucks employees pretend like they're genuinely concerned about my day and overall well being. I have a lot of friends... none of them can match the sincerity (albeit feigned) of a barista's inquiries into how my work day is. I reciprocate, and of course I'm informed every day is a great day at Starbucks. It should be. Water filtered through dirt at the same price-per-ounce as black tar heroin should make any corporation and their employees just fucking ecstatic.

Speaking of work, I need to feed my own little S-Corp some billable hours. Off to the races. Peace in.

Gooch out.

2:50pm I've edited this post at least four times now.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Ch Ch Ch changes

Before
After



















 I haven't watched the porn in a while. Can someone explain to me what the hell happened to Carmella Bing? Oh, and if you give me any of that "real women have curves" bullshit about the atrocity pictured above I will throw you out the fucking window. Or, if you say that and  you look like the picture on the right, I'll get four of my friends to help me throw you out the fucking window. And I'll get a bigger window.

Something was getting funky with the old Blogger profile, so I picked this earthy layout. It's kind of nice/refreshing. It looks like the establishing shot of a douche commercial. How apropos.

I fixed the tweet gadget to the right. Seriously, I love tweeting. I like the entire process of thinking of something that I find amusing and editing the hell out of it to fit 140 characters. It's my crossword puzzle... my sudoku. I sit there, changing words, cutting out unnecessary parts, and trying to make sure that what I think was funny still comes out of the final edit/tweet. Also, the tweets (most of which I do from my phone while driving on the freeway) simulcast to both this page and my Facebook. This means that I reach around 1000 people, which is more than I would reach when I wrote for print media a while back.

Which reminds me: I wanted to write for print media per my New Year resolutions. There used to be so many print publications. I remember going to a restaurant downtown and you'd grab four or five different rags to peruse while you ate your Speedo Burrito (RIP Macheesmo Mouse). Now it's Portland Tribune, Willamette Week, the Mercury, and that's about it. No Oregon Cycling, no Oregon Comic News, no Jam Magazine. Read: No one that would publish me. I do have a line on one publication, but I have to plan thoroughly before I approach.

I'm going for a run this morning. I don't run as much as I should, considering I have a 5K to run in the next month or so. I should be running three times a week and as of late I've run about three times in August. I'm in trouble.

I'm getting very crotchety as I approach forty. I need to stay off of the Facebook. I'm finding a lot of stuff annoys me when it shouldn't. One thing that I find a lot of in real life and on social media is the [REDACTED]. Had a bunch of stuff typed but found that it may be personally inflammatory to some people. I may be crotchety, but I also have some discretion.

I gotta run...


goochout.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors...

God does, in fact, have a sick sense of humor.

Sarah Cheek


I mean, to have the last name of "Cheek" when you have a full facial birthmark on the side of your face is fucked up. It's like a fat kid with the last name of "Tubb," or me if I had the name "Smallpenis" (which I'm pretty sure is what "Gallucci" translates to in Italian). For Chrissakes... I have a smaller (albeit hairier, I'm assuming) birth mark on my shoulder and I was tormented as a kid for having that. Sarah Lynn Cheek, 34 (pictured above), was arrested for leaving a five-year-old in her care outside of a bar while she had a few drinks. Anyone else should get the book (and a brick) thrown at them. This woman should just get a warning. I would have a vodka I.V. just to deal with the adolescent torment that she certainly endured. As it stands, I simply inject myself with Jack Daniels once every morning with a diabetes kit I probably should be using for, you know, insulin.

Full Story: HERE

goochout.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Hey, how's it going?



Officiating a wedding this Saturday at Oxbow park. I hope I fit into one of my suits for the event. I just got a call that I may be DJing the wedding as well. My first combo gig. I've waited my entire 24 month DJ career for this chance.

 I've been substituting breakfast and lunch with freshly made juice consisting of kale, lemon, apple, celery, cucumber, and ginger. Then I eat dinner. You're supposed to fast for ten days on nothing but the juice, but social engagements make it so I'm eating in the evening.

I'm also training to run a 5K that I'm signed up for in October. I've actually run five kilometers on a flat track (35 minutes) and I've run on a 2.2 mile nature trail with a long hill that seems to kick my ass. The fact that I've actually run non stop for 35 minutes blows my mind. I get winded driving for 35 minutes.

Not a lot else to report. Low blood sugar and lack of alcohol has kept the tweets and the funny at bay.

I'm out.

gooch

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

If she parties this hard after her kid disappears...

She absolutely has to be good in bed.



Casey Anthony: Not Guilty?

Remember that's not the same as "she didn't do it."

I blew up Twitter today with some jokes that really might as well have been rehashed OJ Simpson jokes. Check out Twitter on the right.

My Twitter simulcasts to Facebook and the joke I wrote about the Sports Memoribilia was sort of copied and pasted all over the place. I mean, if you're a Facebook "friend" of mine then I'm going to see that you copied and pasted something I wrote and, while money is not at stake here, you should at least attribute the quote to the person that wrote it.

I've only said something once because the offender is a notorious douche that needs to be called out on shit in public because he's such a dick. Otherwise, when someone posts something on Facebook as their own something that I have written and people compliment that person on how funny they are or asking "where do you come up with this stuff" and there's no mention of the mentally ill man that is me who sits at lunch actually thinking up and typing 140 characters into his phone then, well, fuck you.

There. It's not the heat so much, it's the stupidity.

goochout.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Breaking Balls the Most Chicken-Shit Way Possible



Somehow, in a world where sights and sounds and logic and common sense don't follow conventional/earthly norms, a Portland Police Officer accidentally shot a guy with real shotgun pellets instead of a less lethal beanbag round (as was instended).

Oregonian: Man accidentally shot by Portland officer struggled with mental illness

I understand that human error exists and that no one is immune from it. I'm proud of our Portland Police and think that overall they do a great job. However, I drive 3000 miles a month and I haven't had an officer take that into account when I get a photo radar ticket for running a yellow light. In fact, it's starting to become a criminal activity to film officers while on duty. So, all we have to hold Police accountable is their immediate public word after the fact (usually disparaging the victim and not disclosing specifics about the officers' activities during an incident) and the secret Grad Jury findings that always find in favor of the Police.

So when this recent event occurred, shit popped into my head and I posted tweets with the @MayorSamAdams modifier so that the Mayor/Police Commissioner would see them. I was trying to be funny more than be a dick. Hopefully I accomplished both. If you've paid attention to the news of the Portland Police during the last year, you'll get some of the references.

I'm cutting this post short so that I can go outside and bask in the glory of all that is sunshine and bicycling. Salaam.

  • @MayorSamAdams Just say it was a "pellet delivery device with a six inch handle." #rosiecoloredglasses 
  • @MayorSamAdams Can citizens get their own PIOs to dispute the erroneous public claims made by the PPD about them?
  • @MayorSamAdams Don't worry about it. I'm sure a Grand Jury will make it all better.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'm John Gallucci and this is the 11:11...

Best joke ever (with regards to the drunk driving event that killed the Jackass star and his passenger):

"I'm Ryan Dunn and this is Drunk Driving"

I wish I'd written that line. I didn't, I merely reposted it on Twitter. I should have thought of it. I suck at comedy. I mean, such an obvious gem of a joke and I'm thinking of bullshit like "Ryan Dunn's middle name was "Iswell." I never posted that because it was too stupid even for here.

I need a vacation. Bottom line. The obviousness of life's jokes are passing me by.

goochout.

It's the new style...

Indescribables:

I'm working from a new setup in my "will-work-for-a-desk-downtown" office space. My Hackintosh netbook combined with an external monitor and I'm working remarkably well. I've provided ad-hoc remote support, interfaced with the corporate email, and joined a non-filtered wireless network so smut will flow freely through my workspace. I'm sure the Muslim Arabs from whose bandwidth I'm using would be happy to hear that.

I'm trying to run more. I'm clearly the fattest person to ever attempt any sort of running with any sort of distance in mind. I ran for 20 minutes on Monday which, at my rate of speed, translates to about a quarter-mile. I've signed up for an actual organized 5K run. An organized 5K run was one of my goals for the New Year. Also on the list was:


Compete in an MMA match
Get published in print somewhere/anywhere.

I don't remember what the other ones were. These are ambitious enough.

Back to the grind.

goochout.

Monday, June 13, 2011

DJ Priapism... lives


Suckers.

This site is now optimized for mobile devices. You know, for when Angry Birds gets boring.

I just purchased the new DJ laptop. I've even purchased the professional version of the DJ software I've grown accustomed to using. I have two gigs for DJing and one for officiating lined up. I have to fit into my suit(s); yet I sit here at my office doing office things. My checkbooks are balanced; my diet and exercise are not.

But my desk is wonderful. I can sit in my drafter's stool and while the cat claws at my ankles I can remote into people's workstations and fix problems  without intruding on their work days. I can balance my business and personal banking accounts. Manage my calendar. Listen to Sirius XM online. Watch Netflix on one screen while I do the aforementioned tasks. I sit down at this desk and shit will get done.

I'm trying to eat better... as always. Avoiding carbs as if I was a dick and simple sugars were herpes. I try to cut back on Rock Stars/energy drinks. But, my God, they're so good. I mean, have you had the Rock Star "Recovery" drinks? They're non carbonated so you can leave the can in your car and drink throughout the day. It may get a little warm but the caffeine remains constant. And the thirst quenching remains quenchant.

I found a show that I love, which means it'll probably be cancelled. "The League" is awesome. I don't know anything about fantasy football, or real football for that matter (the macguffin of the show). This show is up there with Blue Mountain State, Archer, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the other shows that warm the cockles of my funny bone.

I sleep now.

goochout.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

PDX MUGSHOTS DOT COM

I love http://www.pdxmugshots.com/ . I look at it way too much. It's good to see what my friends are up to and it's like a yellow pages of drug dealers if I ever wanted to hit a new low in bender-ology.

Here's a couple faves:

Presumably was cited for riding a motorcycle without a helmet.

Sorry officer, I didn't know that eating leaves from low hanging branches was a crime.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

This is the land of contusion...

Kim Kardashian proving that not everything that goes into her mouth gets swallowed. Just almost everything.

Yesterday I was getting my drill on. Dentist was drilling out a filling but first he had to inject me with an anesthetic.

I fucking hate needles. Anything that goes into my body for the purpose of drawing blood freaks me the fuck out. I've survived bungee jumps, car accidents, a cracked skull, some MMA training, and even a couple of toothy blow jobs. Needles, however, make me cower away from the instrument of torture. Kind of like a wounded kitten. Albeit a fat, thirty-seven year old wounded kitten.

But over the years, as I started going to the doctor without my Mother (read: STD clinics during my twenties) I overcame my fear of needles. I mean, it's apparent to anyone in the phlebotomy field that I don't like needles. I still lose a few shades of fake tan in my face whenever I sit in a chair anticipating a needle poke. However, I'm functional.

"I hit a bullseye."

 
So I'm laying in the dentist's chair: sunglasses on, eyes closed, white knuckling the chair's arms.The needle goes in with the sensation of the pinch I was forewarned about. Then something weird happened. An electric shock went through my jaw and tongue. It was like sticking my tongue on a battery except I was sober when it happened.

And then he immediately says something like "did I shock you?" And I genuinely thought, since he described the sensation accurately, that I had in fact been shocked by something. Was he using an electric syringe with a frayed extension cord plugged into an outlet partially submerged in water? This is truly what I imagined had happened. My imagination has never been a substitute for a thoughfully crafted question:

"What the fuck was that?" I inquired.

"I hit a bullseye" the doctor explained. Essentially, while trying to inject anesthesia near the nerve, he got a little too close and hit the actual nerve. Something that happens all of the time and I really quit telling this story to anyone because everyone I spoke to had a far more sympathy evoking story than mine. My Mom's, for example, involved an injection into her back prior to a spinal tap to determine if she had meningitis (which she did).

Anyway, the procedure proceeded once I calmed down from a mini anxiety attack. I'm such a pussy.

So instead of telling anyone else about this, I'm posting it here. Peace.

goochout.








Gooch, have you ever had a dental dam used on you?

Once, but he told me he loved me.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Yo

It was twelve days between posts. Crazy. I'm getting domesticated lately. I'm vacuuming regularly. I'm cleaning the litterbox sometimes up to twice a month now. I have a girlfriend. I balance my checkbook(s). I just started eating healthier. The GF has me eating at places that don't feature happy hours. You know, cheese plates served on marble, wines that aren't fortified or have the same name as an indie rock band. I shoot at a gun range. I make my bed. I'm starting to wind down on the media piracy. At least from my own house. Two letters from Comcast might have helped me with that decision. Speaking of letters, I'm into sending birthday cards and thank you notes. I got a new electric toothbrush and I'm wildly excited about this.

I leave you with this.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I love my bitches, but where's my crackaz?

Shalom.

I've never been to jail. If I ever get the chance, I want to make sure my mug shot is pretty tight because I want to blow that shit up, frame it, and light it up with some track lighting.

I check out http://www.pdxmugshots.com/ about every day. It's like a dynamic-content yearbook of degenerates. Some of whom I know. There's nothing better than coming across a dude or girl that you know in a mug shot collection. I can say this, because I'm truly burned out on internet porn, so it's either this or cancel my internet. I mean, who checks email anymore?

Check out the website and check out some of these rock stars:


He's booked on assault charges. Apparently he repeatedly hit someone in the toe with the side of his face.

Before (11/2010)

After (05/17/2011)

Failed to register as a sex offender. In all fairness, should you have to register
as a sex offender when you look like this? It's sort of a given, I'd imagine.
Like someone in a wheelchair having to register as a handicapped person.




I'm off to bed. Peace.
goochout.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Facebook Post that Didn't Make it... UPDATE


At the 11:11...

My indoor soccer team told me I've been replaced by a better player. I don't know how they expect to get his wheelchair on and off the field but hey, that's not my problem.

Facebook post that did make it:

Bin Laden unarmed? If that mattered, we would have sent the LAPD to kill him. He would have not only been found "armed," they would have found a loaded crack pipe and a bloody glove.

Everyone except a cop friend (PPB) seemed to think it was funny.

Update: I almost (after one beer) commented to the Portland Police Sergeant the following (call this a smartass comment that didn't make it):

Portland Police don't need drop guns. They have Grand Juries.
I didn't post it because having a night stick surgically removed from my asshole would cut into my weekend. You know, because the doctors would have to cut into my weak end.

I'm an idiot.
Back to the grill... again.

goochout.

Monday, May 02, 2011

And at the 11:11...


I'm a recovering asshole. I'm beginning to see the error of my ways and I'm slowly evolving (or, more accurately, undevolving) into what you people call a genuine human being. With feelings and stuff.

About to listen to the new Beastie Boys album. I hope it's good. New South Park season starts this week. I hope it doesn't follow the suck trend of the last couple years. I just want everyone to understand when they should call it quits.

Like me with this post.

goochout.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Facebook post that didn't make it

Whyy is everyone making such a big deal about the Royal wedding coverage? It's pretty much the same as it was 30 years ago when the last generation of boring as hell royals got hitched. Unemployment is at an all time high and two more soap operas just got cancelled. It's just escapism entertainment. Not everyone is as socially conscious as you.

Certain people would have taken it as offensive/directed at them personally. I don't care that much either way.

goochout.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sing it: And there'll be bunnies hopping and Christ is rising there too...


The story of Easter, as I recall it is that Jesus gets tortured and killed, put into a tomb, and after a few days wakes up and moves the boulder sealing off the tomb. Is the story of Easter not  the greatest setup for a rampage film ever?

I mean, a thirty three year old with a kickass beard emerges from a tomb. He looks at his hands and feet to see unhealed nail holes are still present. He pauses, looks up and screams "dude, what the fuck was that!?"Cut to underground bunker filled with fully automatic assault rifles, grenades. Jesus throws an AK-47 and a rocket launcher over each shoulder and an ammo belt and a rosary around his neck. Don we now our death apparel. All he'd need is an ironically Hasidic Jewish sidekick and let he who casts the first stone get his motherfucking cap peeled.


goochout.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Kool Thing.


I solved a couple troubling/complicated issues yesterday. As an IT consultant/contractor this is, of course, what I do and what I'm paid for. However, problems are not always easy to solve and sometimes things don't always go as planned. After an hour of zero progress, I've identified my stages of failure as I perceive them:

  • There's got to be a way to solve this.
  • I can't believe I'm having this much trouble solving this.
  • They know they're paying me by the hour, right?
  • Google it.
  • Call an associate (phone a friend).
  • Bring my netbook in and set it up, if only to give the illusion that I'm escalating my efforts and not that I still have no fucking clue.
  • Google it again; change some words around or something.
  • Go out to the car, turn up the music, and yell "fuck" loudly. Unless I'm working at a church.
  • Tell customer that I have to get more tools out of my truck. Disappear inexplicably.
  • If the customer isn't nearby, quietly ease out of the nearest fire escape.

As I write this I'm sitting in the home office eating some home made pizza for breakfast and packing the rest for lunch. Sonic Youth (pictured above, for those of you that aren't as wildly hip as I am) is on the iTunes. I have an office anniversary party this afternoon. Short day, it would seem. Also, someone I knew in high school apparently died last night in a car accident. I didn't know her that well, although we were Facebook friends. I can't stand how people take other people's deaths and make it into a "look at me and how I'm mourning" opportunity.

People are such attention whores.

She was driving her truck and reached for something in the glove box, lost control of the vehicle, and rolled it. Her three children were wearing their seatbelts and survived. The woman, Kim Yost, was not wearing her seatbelt, was thrown from the vehicle and killed.

Wear your seatbelt.

I'd say my life has been saved at least twice by my wearing my seatbelt. I've never had an airbag deploy on me. Strictly crumple zones and nylon belts have stood between me and permanent disfiguration. Or permanent death. I've been in a temporary death for about eight years.

It's sad regardless of personal safety hindsight. Check out Kim Yost's last Facebook post (from just six days ago):

Just wanna state for the record, my oldest Aryal moved back in with me last sunday!!! Relized daddy's a D#$% the hard way. Turned him in for child abuse 2 sundays ago on the 2 youngest, then last sunday on my oldest! I have poggressively gotten angrier over the last 6 months, found out it was cause my "flock" was split!

Apparently she had finally gotten custody of all three of her children (who were in the truck at the time of the accident). Other posts from other people suggest that she was in school and her life was looking up for a change.

Wear your seatbelt.

Shit, it's 9am. I have to get to work.
goochout.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

'Tis the Season

I'm currently booked for one wedding-DJ gig and one wedding-officiating gig. Rehearsal dinners and comped booze. DJ Priapism and the Honorable Reverend John Gregory Gallucci: Coming to a wedding near you.

Out.

Damn right it was a good day. Birthday 2011

The shallow end of the pool... indeed.

Irasshaimase, bitches:

I got the new Mortal Kombat game for PS3, a set of four Atari themed pint glasses, drink coasters made from recycled mother boards, a hanging flower pot, dinner, dessert, and the bulk of my new washer/dryer paid for. I'm a spoiled little shit whose gift wish list mirrors that of any other 37 year old. You know, one that's mildly retarded.

I took the day off work and after tackling some obligatory job requests, a friend and I went to Powell's Books, Dinner at Nostrana (Italian spot in inner south east), dessert at Rimsky Korsakoffee, and then slept my diabetes inducing food consumption off until late this morning. Was a good day and now I'm sling shat back into the mix. Lots of work back at the lab. In fact, no time for this shit, have to run.

Bananas.

goochout.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Blitzkrieg Gooch


It's my birthday. I am 37. I swear to god that my life has not changed much since I was 25. I mean, my house looks like someone in their mid 20s lives here. Whatever. I'm sure married 30 year olds are envious.

From Facebook:
I went on a jog this morning with my new Nike+ gear. I would post the stats on Facebook but my running makes Nazi death marches look like Laurelhurst strolls. Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. Taking the day off. Salaam.
I'm going to spend a day doing pretty much everything I want to do. Two Rockstars. Work out. Tan. Starbucks Pho', Ground Kontrol. Whatever.

That's right... video games.

As one of the great leaders of the African American Community once said:

"Damn right it was a good day." - Ice Cube.

Out.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Goochpourri


Tweet that made it (sort of):

#Timbers Fact: Jeld Wen Field was supposed to be called John Gallucci Field. I just hadn't heard of Kickstarter yet.

The original idea was to be:
#Timbers Fact: Jeld Wen Field was supposed to be called John Gallucci's Magnificent Penis. I just hadn't heard of Kickstarter yet.
Neither version is that funny, but I realize the dilemma I'm actually in: My Facebook used to be populated with friends that I couldn't give a shit about offending. Now, not only is everyone on Facebook, but they're all my friends. Too many worlds colliding. This blog is my last refuge of unadulterated brain dumping.

My Birthday dinner is this Saturday, followed by drinks I'm sure. I've comandeered a Designated Driver. Because that's how I roll. In the back seat trying to puke out the window that doesn't roll down all the way. Stupid windows. They need an emergency vomit mode. My binges and subsequent need to vomit must not be hindered by child safety measures.

Thank you, and God bless.

goochout.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Word? Word.

I'm eagerly anticipating the removal of the old and the installation of the new. Instead of spending a single dime to repair the used-yet-expensive washer/dryer combo set I purchased two years ago, I'm going ahead and replacing it with a new front loader set. Domesticity must have set in, because I only looking forward to one thing, and that is doing laundry. I thought my mattress was somehow becoming firmer, but it was just my unwashed sheets after nearly two months of not being washed.

I might even have a day off today. I mean, if no one calls, I will stay here and clean the house.AND FUCK!

I had the wrong outlet for my new dryer. "The salesman should have told you, man..." the delivery guy explained.  I expressed my thoughts on the situation:

"Well, fuck him. I waited three days for this shit and I could have done this before you guys got here and now fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuuuck."

So with all of my home electrical prowess (I fucking shocked the living fuck out of myself replacing a 110v outlet, this 220v/50amp situation was expected to kill me) I replaced my outlet and called for the delivery guys to bring my olfactory salvation back to my crib. Por Favor.

Anyways. Back to the lab.

goochout

Thursday, March 24, 2011

...but I still reserve the right to be a shithead.

I slept horribly last night. I figure I got three hours sleep. Caffeine could only take me so far. I came home early, snoozed a bit, and now I'm back to run some errands/fix some computers, watch some Netflix. I'm a simple man. At least I'm trying to be simpler.

I started writing a self help book. Entitled "Self Help," It was basically me yelling at myself and telling myself how to make my life better. But, instead of "myself," it would appear I was telling you how to improve your life. It would've worked well but it became too mean spirited. I was coming off as so self loathing that I think others' feelings would get hurt as well. There's a project there, I just need to reboot it.

I'm getting kicked out of the office. Off to self improve.

JG

Monday, March 21, 2011

Moment of Truth

I mean... I officiate weddings. I've done eight. That's me, on the right. Eight weddings and still I'm seen as a shithead.

I'm a nice, vulnerable person with myriad insecurities that finds validation in trying to make other people happy through jokes or fixing computers. This website and a vast majority of my Facebook/Twitter posts are satirical in nature and not meant to convey any sort of reality. This website and, more recently Facebook/Twitter are like my "scratch pad" of jokes. As soon as something pops in my head that I feel is remotely funny, I post it. I'm not working on a stand up set. I'm not doing anything other than purging random thoughts into "The Cloud."

I feel what you people call "sadness" when I meet someone and I have to spend time explaining away things I've written. I know it's entirely my fault, but still, no one likes being pre judged.

Thank you, and Good Night.

John Gallucci

Friday, March 18, 2011

Star Bores

Kanucka Heads:

The Millennium Falcon, aka my Ford Escape is going into the shop today. It's developed a bit of a transmission fluid leak. And by "a bit," I mean a hemorrhaging so severe that I looked up the word "hemorrhaging" so that I could spell it correctly because no other word accurately conveys the situation.

This cramps a bit of my weekend. I had places I wanted to go. I'm so comfortable with the reliable piece of shit (180,000 miles on the Ford, which is like 800,000 miles to a Japanese car) - read: it's paid for, that I don't feel like looking for another vehicle.

So, weekend logistics are in a tumble.

There's nothing good about this post. I kind of like the photo of the sticker, which I'm assuming depicts a hot chick giving birth to a Ford logo. Sideways. Ouch.

I'm out. Happy weekend, fuckers.

G.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

enilnohcoog - forever



If I say my name backwards, it sends me into the 3rd dimension. Which, apparently, is the catalyst of shitty movies since 3D has made its gimmicky comeback.

I hate going to the movies. People in public have no sense of etiquette. There's no empathy or thought that maybe one's talking or cell phone glow might interfere with others' enjoyment of the film they paid way too fucking much to watch.

The last movie I saw in the theater was the abortion of a war/alien movie titled: Battle: Los Angeles. Atrocious dialogue, shitty CG, plot holes... I actually felt sorry for the actors for having to deliver the lines they did. Embarrassing. Don't see it. Don't even pirate it. From my tweet:
I guess one way to battle video piracy is to make movies no one would download. Battle: Los Angeles... you sucked.

I haven't seen "127 Hours" yet, but that didn't stop me from tweeting about it:

If the boulder was a drunk chick and the canyon was my Dad's basement, then 127 hours would pretty much represent my 90s. 1 day ago

I haven't seen it, but "127 Hours" sounds like a 93 minute allegory of the "coyote ugly" joke.
The second tweet got the least feedback, but I thought it was the most clever. I mean, to link an old joke to a contemporary true story and feature film, well that's genius. If you ask me.

From Urban Dictionary: Coyote Ugly is when you wake up next to the woman you had sex with the night before,and you realize in your sober state that she is the UGLIEST woman you have ever seen, and you realize she is laying on your arm. Instead of waking her up to move, you chew off your arm to free yourself.

Hilarity!

Back to work.

goochout

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Post 2000.

Two Thousand posts to this blog. Originally hosted on a web of various free web spaces available to my parents' two Teleport dial-up internet accounts, this site currently rests firmly on the Blogspot servers where all mediocre blogs go to become obscure.

I have not a lot to say on this landmark post.

Of course, lack of content has never stopped me from typing away. Having said that, I've achieved a few milestones this year. I've hit eight years of self employment (it's a lot like unemployment, just busier). I'm now typing my two thousandth blog post. From the end of last year through the beginning of this year I went six months without drinking (or Xanax).

I've found a renewed interest in home and work. I'm a new man. I just need to lose about 50 pounds. Christ... I've got a physical tomorrow and I feel... you know when you show up to class and you find out that the final is that day and you had all term to study and you didn't so you know you're entirely fucked and probably going to flunk? That's how I feel about my physical tomorrow. I'm about to go shopping for mumus.

I'm going to get back into the MMA stuff. I liked it. I like the people. It's a reminder that 40 minutes on an elliptical does not make for a true workout. I also like punching and kicking things.

I'll have to do something exciting and write about it for another "2000th" post. How many tries will it take for me to get a good 2000th post? The suspense is underwhelming.

jg

Sunday, March 06, 2011

I'm not actually getting married on 11/11/11


I keep saying that I'm going to get married on November 11 of this year due to my numerological fascination with the numbers 1111. I've no concrete plans to get married on 11/11/11. I'm not currently dating anyone at the moment. It's just a mediocre joke I keep perpetuating on this site and some people read it and (understandably) are wondering where their "Save The Date" refrigerator magnets are. Or some shit.

I'm out.

G.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

A rollerskating blog named Saturday

My Saturday. I woke up early, listened to some Phil Hendrie podcasts while I mustered up the will to get out of bed relished the day and imagined all of the wonder and opportunity it had to offer. Decent breakfast, caught up on some Hulu while I worked on a computer that had the most insidious viral infection. I love a challenge. I also love a clean, quick resolution. It's better for the customer and saves me some time.

Virus removal is my video game. It's my Zelda... my Mortal Kombat. Actually, Mortal Kombat is my Mortal Kombat. They've got a new one coming out next week. Have you seen the previews? I haven't. I'm just buying that shit. Seriously, sight unseen. I'm going to buy it and go on a Rockstar/MK bender. Nonstop, save for bathroom breaks and the occasional JO to Kitana or Sonya [apparently the 5th dimension of Doom has an amazing plastic surgeon]. I digress...



I've got another podcast brewing. I need to get my audio studio set up. I need a laptop. All of my audio needs will be met and I will have one more technological hobby with which to segregate myself from the rest of the population. You people. Ironically, the podcast is my most accessed yet least attended to outlet. I've got this internet popularity squared away.

I have my yearly physical next week. I usually schedule a month in advance. Kind of gives me a chance to cram for the exam. The exam cram. I've got a fucking week to lose 50 pounds and detoxify my everything. Ah, I love this time of year. Physical, then birthday. Thirty Seven years old. Then I get married on November 11, 2011. This will be a great year.

I got a letter of Usage Violation from Comcast for downloading Black Swan from a torrent site. I swear to God, if I get into some legal altercation over Black fucking Swan I'll turn in my Man Card. Which, apparently, has been in debate since my mani-pedi in 2002. If I was actually sued for downloading Black Swan, I would have requested that my name remain in legal documents and the title of the movie be changed to "Expendables." Or "Big Wet Asses 16." Or anything from the Vivid porn studio's catalog. Just not Black Swan.

Charlie Sheen: He's a rich child with no responsibilities. It's just that instead of sitting too close to the TV or running with scissors, he's banging hookers.
I'm out. Enjoy your weekend and be safe. Oh, if you haven't already, could you "like" my company Facebook Page? I hate this stuff, but I see I need 25 likes in order to get a company user name. I don't know what that is, but I want it. I too, am a child.

Link HERE

gooch

Monday, February 28, 2011

From Marisa to Mariska...

That's one special k...

I love Mariska Hargitay. I also love wine and lobster raviolis. As I finish the end of month work associated with self employment and catch a buzz and what could only be described as a celebratory indulgence of food and vino.

But tomorrow's the first. Some people have New Year's resolutions... I have new month resolutions. Going back to the gym fueled partly by fitness and partly because they double fucking charged me this month. I hate automatic billing and now that I pay attention to my finances I cringe when this shit happens. Now I've got a fucking chore. Thanks, shitheads. Thanks for punishing me for being a fucking customer.

Dude, it doesn't take much to give me a buzz. I'm crashing out early. Goochout.

I bet none of the above is even coherent. Don't care. Happy March.

Friday, February 25, 2011

TGIFF.

["gooch?" yes, marisa miller... "does this dress make me look fat? I want to look good for you when you accept your lifetime achievement award at the big dick hall of fame tonight." well, you look a little pudgy, but I bet if you throw up a couple of times on the way there, you'll be just fine. "you always know the right things to say! i love you!"

I know.
Shalom.

I think acupuncture had done, if anything, given me stress coping mechanisms. I've been twice and I seem to be able to take crazed/panicked customers with a newfound sense of calm. All week has been early morning panic calls and late day followups. And those are simply sandwiching wall to wall batshit craziness in between. Yet my need to take xanax during/after the day has all but gone away. Sure, my neck (for which I originally went to acupuncture) still hurts a bit. But I'm super mellow now. And I didn't need booze.

Although it has helped.

Have to go to work. Again. I don't know how you fuckers do this every day.

goochout.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Classics Never Die...

...Just like my incessant use of the ellipses. And my incessant use of Marisa Miller to make my site more interesting. To male readers. And my penis. Mostly my penis. Although, my penis is illiterate. And by illiterate, I mean it's completely retarded. I digress.

From Facebook today (based on a blog post buried within this site (which popped into my awakening brain this morning):

On this day in history (2007): The girl whose feet were amputated during a freak accident on the "Superman Tower of Power" ride at Six Flags was given a lifetime pass to the park. Disappointment ensued when it was determined she was no longer tall enough for any of the rides.

Teefuckinghee!

goochout.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Too Black Too Strong Dot Com

Has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than my newfound obsession for Marisa Miller.

I put up one of my domain names on Ebay in an effort to unload some of my impulse purchases. I bought "tooblacktoostrong.com" a year ago and wanted to see if it would go for some outrageous amount of money. I put the reserve at $1000. After the auction ended, someone sent me this message.

Keep it, wasn't even worth the $2.98 I bid (expiring soon) Crap (too long) domains like these (expiring soon) go for pennies on here. Don't waste my time. I WAS interested if the reserve wasn't so fricking high (outrageous!)

So angry. I mean, no domain should be less than $15 since that's the registration fee. Oh well. I bought it because it was the opening sampled phrase from Public Enemy's "Bring the Noise" (studio version). It's also part of a speech by someone that I should be aware of since it's Black History Month.

Fight the Power... indeed.

goochout.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What did you do, Dave?

[I started writing this on 1/26/2011. I've been scheduling time to edit/complete it but never got around to it. I'm going to post it as it as is with no warranty express or implied as I purge my unpublished drafts. Can you believe how much time I spend on this shit? I need to hit the gym].
I'm not going to pretend that I and cop shooting suspect fugitive David Durham were friends. Physically, socially, lifestyley, you couldn't find two more disparate individuals. We worked together at the same commercial reprographics plant. Sometimes on the same shifts, sometimes the same projects/departments. I don't recall having a beer with him or ever hanging out while not on the clock. I sat directly across from him at a company Christmas party; he had a ditzy blonde girlfriend at the time. The girlfriend was told by a waitress to be careful not to set her drink on an unlevel junction where the tables joined under a table cloth. Expectedly, somehow, she did and expectedly her drink spilled. The girlfriend complained that they should "do something about that" because warning her was apparently not sufficient. Dave didn't join his date in her misguided complaints, nor did he remind her that she'd just been told five minutes earlier to avoid the mess altogether.

Dave was not one for confrontation.

And somehow in the last two months he's reportedly degenerated from a lighthearted, genuinely nice guy to a fugitive wanted for two counts of attempted murder, as well as a variety of other charges. As I write this, he's on the run, presumably in the woods in a coastal Oregon town. He's accused of shooting the officer that pulled him over for speeding Sunday as well as a fisherman that David might have mistaken for another cop.

The papers say that Dave worked for the same place for most of the last 18 years. I worked with him for about eight of the first of those years. I remember he was perpetually clad in camouflage. He owned many pairs of cammo cargo pants in myriad patterns and colors. I remember he bought a blue Harley Davidson that he would wheel into a freight elevator to take into our shop's third floor every night he worked graveyard shift. Once I pointed at the bike as he rolled it towards the elevator one night. "Is that a scratch?" I jokingly asked in a deadpan tone. "No... it's not a scratch" he replied with a smile without even looking (I at least hoped he'd look), knowing that the bike he probably cleaned hourly with a toothbrush didn't have any blemishes that he wouldn't know about. We would chat a bit in the break room. I remember one lively discussion about the neighborhood legend of Devil's Ditch.

Devil's Ditch does not warrant its own paragraph in an essay about a man whose life has disintegrated into a best outcome being life in prison. Having said that, Laurelhurst park in Portland, Oregon had a grass valley yielding a dirt path landscaped by various BMX bikes of the seventies and eighties. It's probably still there, I haven't checked. You know the ramps off of which ski jumpers launch? That's what this was, for bicycles. You would walk your bike as high up one side of the hill and then pedal down as fast as you could, gathering speed to jump as high and as far over the adjacent walking path and onto the field on the other side. I remember being surprised that Dave, seven years my senior, had ridden the same jump. As if somehow my "generation" of BMX cyclists had been solely responsible for discovering this landscaped phenomenon. If there was a magazine called "Kickass Bike Jumps of the Northwest," Devil's Ditch would be on the cover of at least 11 out of 12 months. Maybe every month, it's hard to tell.

As the story stands: Dave, with his dog, is on the run from an ever growing force of local, state, and federal authorities. Armored vehicles and armed troopers are ubiquitous in the small, quiet town of Waldport, Oregon. Officer Steven Dodds, who was shot while pulling over Dave's SUV for speeding is in "critical, yet stable" condition at Legacy Emanuel Hospital in Portland. There's been so many shootings recently that it's become easy to emotionally distance oneself from the tragedies occurring in other states, towns, or even neighborhoods. I think it's horrific when anyone gets shot. I absolutely don't ever want to get shot by a gun. Police officers are amazing in that they face the chance of getting shot every time they clock in. I certainly can't imagine being a cop searching for a suspect that seems to be out to kill any cop that he may come across.

I and certainly his friends, family, and coworkers don't see David Durham as someone who could shoot anyone. His story is eerily reminiscient of Daniel Butts, the 21 year old accused of shooting Rainier Police chief Ralph Painter. Daniel Butts, according to OregonLive "had slid into wild mood swings in recent weeks, becoming increasingly erratic before the fatal confrontation at a car stereo store." Associates of David reported similar recently changed behavior. I think there's even an ended relationship involved in both cases as well.

For whatever reason David Durham or Daniel Butts decided to snap and do these horrific things, we want an answer as to why. Why did the gentle David Durham become so paranoid and delusional? Why does he think authorities are out to get him? Was it the pain from his degenerating bone disorder? Was it the pain medications making him crazy? Was he always an asshole deep inside? Is there something we're not finding out in the extensive news coverage?

[And here's where the story ends. At least my story. Dave's still out there, on the run. He managed to escape on foot and elude 250 members of various law enforcement agencies (and America's Most Wanted). There's speculation that he might have gone to the Carribean or to the Phillipines. The story is all but forgotten, save for the families of Officer Dodds and David Durham. I used to hit refresh on the Google news feeds whenever I was near a computer, but even I'd let this slip my mind. The media and its consumers may have let this story go away but I've brought it back from my cutting room floor and posted it at the 11:11.]

Sixty-Three Days Until My Birthday

This is all I want for my birthday. Thank you in advance.

John Gallucci

End of line.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Whatever doesn't make you stonger will kill you.

[I'm approaching my 2000th post on this site since I migrated to the Blogger hosting. I'm going through and deleting posts that I never or will never finish. I came across this doozie from a 12/19/10. Can you believe I don't remember writing this? It's so verbose. I'm guessing I gave up on it because I try not to spend too much time/work too hard on this site and when a piece of writing gets to this point I have to work at not being redundant. Maybe I didn't post it because it seemed too personal. However, I'm going to post it at the 11:11 because it's too much typing to throw away. Sold as-is. I haven't even read it fully, just skimmed, typed this, and hit 'post.' Enjoy, I guess.]
Between my Communications degree and an unhealthy self consciousness in existence since about the third grade, I can sense nonverbal and paralanguage as well as the best of them (whoever "them" is, I have no idea). As an unlikely yet somehow prolific bouncer in the mid 2000s, I learned to sense fights minutes before the first punch was thrown. I could also tell when my ass was going to get kicked minutes before it happened and was usually able to prevent my predicted beating. Usually.

But now, in the age of my sobriety, I'm hyper-hyper aware of my surroundings. In a crowd of strangers, as I found myself in a wedding I recently performed, I couldn't remember anyone's name five seconds after I was introduced to them. I could, however, tell you from which coffee decanter they filled their coffee cup, who was married to whom, when the photographer changed the lens... etc.

I sensed that an acquaintance was looking at me with a sense of skepticism. She had once been a smiling,  hugging overtly but sincerely friendly friend of a friend. Now, she looked at me like a white woman alone in an elevator on which a black man just entered: Smiling while she clutches her purse and backs away into the corner.

You see, I say a lot of things. If something strikes me as funny, I'll immediately spin it into a joke. Often, I don't take into account the company in which I'm in earshot as I spew forth some sort of goochified wit. I don't even keep track of what I say other than posting it on Twitter. I mean, I consider myself a writer and if my publishing options over the years has whittled down to this website, I still want the review board of "anyone with a Twitter/Facebook account" to hold me accountable. It's a nervous habit. If you see me in a social setting and I'm shotgunning attempts at humor, it's because I'm likely wading in an ocean of anxiety with the arm floaty of my attempts of comedy keeping me afloat..

I discussed this at anxious paranoid length with my friend, the gateway into this social circle. I realized that I was near obsessing over the approval of some guy's wife. I back tracked and started explaining why I was so concerned about the perceived loss of approval by a distant acquaintance. I had to figure it out for myself as I simultaneously figured it out for her.

When I was drinking, I was just as more obnoxious and funny. I would take a table full of people and try to get them laughing. If they're laughing, they can't notice I'm fat, or question my career choices, or pick apart my personality flaws. If someone doesn't care for me after one of those sessions, I can excuse such disapproval as a byproduct of my being drunk. They don't necessarily dislike me. Rather, they don't necessarily like how I acted when I was drunk.

Drinking is fantastic. There are so many wonderful things.  It gives buffer between the world and your real self.

Tron: Legacy

Tron: Legacy - is the plot about a Tron no longer supported by the manufacturer and no drivers for Windows 7? #geek #tron #dejavu
- @goochonline Twitter, December 2010


Tron: Legacy is a movie where Jeff Bridges reprises his role as Jeffrey Lebowski (complete with beard and bathrobe) to reprise his role as Kevin Flynn [ideologically, Linus Torvalds] from 1982's Tron. In 1989, Flynn has been frequently going back and forth between the real world and the computer world working with his program, Clu, who looks exactly like the character Terry Brogan in "Against All Odds." One day, Clu gets corrupted and before Flynn can run chkdsk /r, he gets trapped inside the computer and helplessly observes Clu commit genocide on a bunch of useless free programs (which I wish Android Market would do occassionally).

In 2010, Flynn's son unwittingly gets sucked into the computer world after Alan Bradley, Flynn's friend and creator of Tron (but we'll get to that later) receives a page from Flynn's Arcade on the last activated pager on planet Earth (my house doesn't have a land line, but an arcade that's been shuttered for 20 years apparently does). Instead of calling the number back,  Bradley visits Flynn's son at his standalone garage apartment and suggests that he, not him visit the arcade instead. He finds his way to his Dad's secret computer lab and sits in a seat directly in line with a gun that can import you into the computer at the touch of a button (the one time that UAC would actually have been a nice feature). You'd think that after his incident in 1982's Tron, Flynn would aim that thing away from the office chair, but anyways.

Wait wait wait... In 1994 it took me 30 seconds to scan a full 8.5X11 document and Flynn's got a device from 1982 that can import a full grown adult male? Crazy.

After entering a bunch of UNIX commands (he doesn't work or go to school, and he hasn't seen his computer wiz Dad in 20 years, but he's wildly skilled at UNIX and has intense views, yet misses the point, on the Open Source movement)Son of Flynn immediately gets into arena type Discs of Tron battles with who later turns out to be the Tron who has turned to the computer version of the Dark Side. In nearly 30 years, Tron has beccome very adept at parkour. So for 20 years, Flynn Lebowski has been living in a post modern apartment with a hot piece of ass named Quorra (Olivia Wilde) who was probably bummed out to be inevitably cockblocked by his son. Sam sort of figures out a way to get himself, Dad, and Quorra out of the computer world into the real world which was supposed to be impossible, then it became possible, then they make it to the portal to the outside world but then get portal blocked by Clu (again, played by 1985 Jeff Bridges). In the end, Sam and Quorra literally ride off into the sunrise.

Once again, Tron is the name of a character that has little to do with the plot of the movie. I mean, in this movie, it's almost as if they forgot to include Tron at all, so they made the henchman (very Darth Maul type character) Tron and he doesn't do too much to move the plot along until the end.

Geek:out.

 

Monday, February 07, 2011

I Hate the Black Eyed Peas.

Remember the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry's dating a girl that only looks really good under specific lighting conditions? That's what Fergie is. I find her hideous in that Diet Dr. Pepper commercial and I totally understand why Josh Duhamel would cheat on her. In fact, in the world of celebrity infidelity, I never heard anyone ask (upon reports that Duhamel banged a stripper or 400) "why would he cheat on her?"

Not that she's that ugly, I mean her face is buttery but you can drink that away. Why I can't stand her is that she is absolutely the most celebrated yet untalented hack of a musician in the history of pop music. Black Eyed Peas are an abomination in an abomination of an industry.

You can say that pop music has always been like that, but it's gotten worse in the last few years. Remember how everyone made a stink that Vanilla Ice sampled the bass line from Bowie/Queen's "Under Pressure?" He was made fun of on SNL the night he was a guest. And yet some 20 years later, it's become okay to perform a song during the half time of the Super Bowl that consists of BEP chanting and rapping poorly over Dick Dale's "Misirlou." I mean this song shouldn't have even been conceived, much less recorded. At best, it should have been a hidden bonus track or some shit. But fuck no... it's a hit. And no one complains. No one points out that it's just them grunting and screaming nonsense over the song they probably hadn't heard until Pulp Fiction came out. No one points out that another of their latest "hits" is a lot of Fergie singing a song from Dirty Dancing. They don't even sample obscure shit. When are they going to sample from the Grease Soundtrack? I don't think you can call it sampling. It's called ripping other songs the fuck off. You can tell when will.i.am produces a single for BEP or another artist because the only catchy thing about the song is what was catchy on the song from which he stole it.

Keep in mind that Fergie has the vocal talent of a dive bar karaoke singer. Keep in mind that will.i.am is a fucking rip off artist (he ripped off The Buggles for Nicki Minaj and Iron Butterfly for Nas(?)). What exactly the fuck do the other two guys do? One of them had the audacity to write a book. I'm assuming the foreword will be written by will.i.am and be something he copied and pasted from a book he read on his Kindle.

Black Eyed Peas: I hate them. For them to make money from a song like "Pump It..." for them to perform weak raps over a mostly unaltered song recorded in the 60s... How is it any different than if I pissed on a Picasso and told everyone I was a gifted painter?

I got a feeling... indeed.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

At the 11:11...


And what's up with Egypt?

A couple friends of mine spent some time in Egypt about a month ago. Of course, their friends joke about how they might have caused the uprising and mayhem occurring today. Last night, as I was falling asleep, I envisioned some sort of Seinfeld episode. An entire scene played out:

[Jerry Seinfeld is sitting behind the driver on a tour bus in Egypt. Jerry sticks his head over driver's shoulder, into view of camera, and starts talking]

"A dictatorship? Really? I can't believe the lack of democracy! I would think after 30 years, you people would do something about this."

[Jerry sits back into his seat, out of focus. Bus driver's eyes get wide and he grips the steering wheel tightly while grinning menacingly]

[screen goes black, text reads "One Month Later."

[camera shot close up of television showing news footage of riots. Cut to George Costanza and Jerry Seinfeld on couch, eyes bulging (in the world of Seinfeld, they always somehow know when what they've done has fucked things up... even across the globe)]

George: "What did you do?"

Jerry: "I just... I just mentioned to a bus driver that they seemed oppressed... that... they have a lack of democracy!"

George: "Well, are you happy now? You caused a coup."

Jerry: "A coup? I did not cause a coup."

George: "You caused a coup."

Jerry: "It's a crazy coup."

George: "A cuckoo coup?"

Jerry: "A cuckoo coup, indeed."


...and then I fell asleep. Seems like a lot of work for the payoff of "cuckoo coup," but that's the kind of shit I drop at the 11:11.

goochout.

New Year's Revolution

Kacey Montoya, from KOIN Local 6: Lack of Coverage You Can Count On.




Last night I spent about 10 minutes wondering about where I spent $7,50, as the cash account total on my Quicken personal finance software belied the contents of my wallet by that amount.

This is 2011, the year following one in which I fudged company accounting (fudged as in the sense of "best guess") and marvelled at the inexplicably large checks I was writing myself for some inexplicable reason. Now, I keep track of everything like a good (and by "good," I mean "one with a pulse") business owner should. I'm almost obsessive about it now, but that's the nature of me: I either go 100% or 0%. This is not a good thing in a world where moderation seems to be the only way to live.

Sure, I've even drank a couple of times this year so far. Both times were designated driven and were for special occassions. Granted, I can take any occassion and make it special enough to drink, but this is a good start.

As recently as a few days ago, I realized how fucking fat I am. No one wants to be fat. They do want to be happy with themselves. I think what a lot of people do is justify their weight in myriad ways: I'm on a diet now, I'm big boned. It's genetic, I'm Kirstie Alley. Mine was that people accepted me as if I was thin. I don't think that's 100% the case now. This is a good thing, as if I suddenly feel exposed and have been shocked into doing something about it. This justification works with everything, now that I've given it more thought (read: any) than what these free-write posts usually involve. Drunks and drug addicts feel since they have a job or take care of their kids when they have them or some shit that their booze induced benders don't really affect their lives.

What the fuck is going on in Egypt? I have an explanation that I'll post at the 11:11.

Salaam,

goochout.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Like a Virgin...


I drank last night. First time in six months. My first drink? Shot of Hornitos.

With a lime.

People I was with, at a friend's birthday party, welcomed me back.

My heart is beating irregularly and I fainted this morning after washing my hands in the bathroom. I have a ground up knuckle and a bit of a fat lip, but otherwise remarkably unscathed. Is this disorientation and fleeting loss of consciousness and arrhythmic heart a result of drinking last night? Who knows. I just don't remember hangovers feeling like this.

Funny thing, I had Taco Bell this morning and my friend had brought "verde sauce." I had no idea that Taco Bell had introduced a new sauce and realized that I had not consumed Taco Bell since I stopped drinking. Booze, sex, and Taco Bell are more intertwined and embedded in my life than previously thought.

I'm going to lie back down.

Cheers.

goochout.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Tweet that didn't make it...

If I took three of my friends out for imitation Vietnamese soup, would I call the restaurant ahead and say "Four for faux pho'?"

I didn't post it because it served no purpose other than to make me smile. Which it did. And now I feel stupid.

goochout

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I Club Baby Seals

I watched IFC/Fred Armisen's sendup of Portland, OR: "Portlandia." I liked it. I don't think it was as "spot on" as people give it credit for and some of the bits weren't that funny. And... I'm not sure that it has appeal outside of Portland Metro. However, it was funny and seemed pretty Portland accurate (although I've never heard any one make reference to Portland's "North side").

On Facebook, someone suggested "Greshamia," a similar show based on Gresham, the blue collar eastern suburb of Portland. I posted the followup comment.

Greshamia: Where single moms go to retire. Everyone works in a bar at some point, no matter what their educational tract or previous occupation may have been. People smoke while riding bicycles. Greshamia: Where video poker lounges will cash state unemployment checks. Where cover bands are king; why write your own songs when Thin Lizzy and Cheap Trick have already written the best songs ever? Gresham: the answer to the question asked most in high school spanish class: "where am I going to use this?"
The last one was a bit wordy. I'll work on that. Anyway: Greshamia could be even more obscure, really. Ah, an idea that will live only in my head. Where I primarily live. Off to read more Klosterman, drink more coffee, and take more nap.

goochout.

I have a face for radio and a voice for newsprint...

It's Saturday morning, 7:30am. I woke up early, I guess, since I don't really have to be up for another 46 hours.

I've made and consumed breakfast. Clearly last night was not an exciting one. Dinner with a friend and then typing up my chore list and doing my recreational reading while I sat in sweat-clothes and waited for the Tylenol PM kicked in. I challenged the cat to a game of Angry Birds, but she ignored me as she sat in her cat condo in front of a Scarface sized pile of cat nip.

Meownolo.

Thinking of watching the "Portlandia"premier on Hulu. A litle Portland-centric humor might be entertaining. The sun is coming out. Think I'm going back to couch.

goochout.

Friday, January 14, 2011

You say you want a resolution...



Other than using the ellipses device a lot less... [damn] I've come up with a few resolutions. I think my six month abstinence from booze and dating comes up at the end of this month. Six months without hangovers and awkward social interactions will come to an end, but not without lessons learned. I understand that  most of my social interactions are awkward, but dating ones seem to be most awkward for me. I can make ordering a coffee at Starbucks feel like a condensed tale of confusion, miscommunication, and perceived betrayal.

I've accomplished a lot of things just in January alone. I've balanced my company and personal banking accounts. I've lost some weight through the not drinking and I've been cooking at home a lot more (not going out as much). I've cut out cable television as I found paying $140/month to watch Family Guy and South Park reruns (the bulk of my television consumption) fucking absurd. I've even finished a book that I started reading just before the new year. Historically, I haven't been much of a book reader. I've even started using public transportation sometimes when i go downtown.

So, in list form, I'm going to post my resolutions here. Somehow, self publishing on my blog makes me feel like there will be some accountability.

  • Read instead of television three nights a week.
  • Out for drinking one night a week only.
  • No beer after soccer (to stop negating any physical benefit gained prior to the seemingly obligatory binge beer drinking that seems to ensue).
  • Public transportation if I don't have a designated driver/couch on which to crash.
  • Lose weight to a specific goal (read: down to 'obese' from 'morbidly obese.')
  • Build the business up. I think I've taken for granted the kickassness of having a self sustaining business. I need to be more proactive in pursuing new customers and pay more attention to the finances (balancing the books and actually reading the statements was a good start).
  • Join a gym and run outside regularly (we'll see how this goes).
  • Get married on 11/11/11. I'm a sucker for numerology. A bit of a stretch, but, you know.
  • Compete in one amateur MMA match. Yeah, later in the year -- if I continue training.
  • Be published in something. I want to write something and have it published in anything (something I haven't done in eight years or so).

As I said, I'm working on a lot of this already. But any asshole can come up with resolutions - this one certainly did. The real effort, as we all know, is keeping them. I find it difficult living without adult supervision... and I'm 36 years old. We'll see how this goes. Here's to a good year.

goochout.