Almost five years to the day I posted it, here's "The Love Column." It's my personal favorite. It's funny to go back five years and see how I viewed things. I still reference porn and jerking off too much, but at least I'm consistent. I'll probably make this into a podcast for the subscribers that don't necessarily view the website.

I don't have any real reason to repost this. I have some friends that it may help, however. And, as you know, I'm all about helping my fellow man.

The Love Column (Slightly Edited/Updated)
Originally Posted 07.23.03

So your girlfriend broke up with you. What did she tell you? She needed "me space?" She needs to find herself? It's a crock of shit. Trust me. Every man has had a woman shove her fist up his ass, grab his heart, pull it out, and hold it in front of his sobbing face.

Women get dumped, too. They get hurt. However, they've got a support group. They have friends. They have Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, and Oprah. Men have Budweiser, XBox, and porn. Your guy friends will make fun of you if you're torn up over a failed relationship. You're better off suffering in private.

Suffer in private, but don't suffer alone. I'm always here for you. Not in person (I honestly don't want to meet you), but through my writings you will learn how to cope. I've artificially inseminated this column with enough tips to help even the most jilted of hearts get through the tough times.

Don't return to the scene of the crime. Don't go back and visit the Ex. Don't call, don't write, don't email. Everyone either knows someone who got so drunk and sick off of a type of alcohol (tequila, for example, comes to mind) or done so themselves to the point that they cannot even smell the offending spirit without decorating a toilet with their lunch. Treat the Ex in the same manner that you would treat the booze. It already hurt you once, don't fucking let it hurt you again.

Why would you even consider it in the first place? Do you think that there's a chance you'll get back together again? It's not going to happen. She broke up with you because she couldn't bear to spend another second with you. Her cat pukes in the kitchen. Her dog shits on the carpet. They're still around. You're not. Think about it.

Another thing to think about when you're dropping dollars on bouquets with notes like "glad we're still friends:" SHE'S FUCKING EVERYONE THAT SHE CAN. The aerobics instructor, her boss, her Rabbi. They're all getting a piece of your ex and using condoms that you paid for and left at her place. She's making up for lost time, my friend. Oh, and your best friend? He's using foreign objects on your old flame, taking pictures of it, and emailing the pictures to all of your other friends so that they can all laugh at you. Here's a good rule of thumb when it comes to breakups: Imagine the worst possible scenario and know that it's happening in real life.

Have sex with as many people you can. The mercy fuck is your friend. So is the pity fuck and the "I can't believe I got so drunk that I fucked that guy" fuck. Embrace it and show no shame. These are likely one night stands, so don't even bother asking for a phone number. They don't want to see you again. They don't want to have dinner with you. They want you out of their apartment or they want to get out of your van. When I was in high school, I was so distraught over my girlfriend breaking up with me right up to the point that some 24 year-old (I was 17 at the time) told me to get in her car and drove me to a hotel room. I gave her 10 minutes of the worst sex of her life and the next morning the despair over my ex and my virginity were gone.

As you get older, it takes more than one orgasm-less session of humping to rid you of the depression. It could take up to ten girls and by the time you lay ten chicks, Holmes, time will have healed your wounded heart anyway.

Be aware that there are people you shouldn't bang. Any girl that has ever had so much as dinner with one of your friends is off limits. Don't even bother asking for permission from your friend to see about dating one of his exes. It's a stupid move that opens up a can of worms. You get attached to the girl, start dating her, and your friend will say something like "You mean you haven't fucked her in the ass yet?" No one wants to compare notes on a chick that they really, really like.

Objectify women as often as necessary. If you find yourself crying in a fetal position in the middle of your living room, longing for days past filled with companionship; fuck you. Don't be such a pussy. Watch porn, listen to rap music, buy as many table dances as you can afford, and shoot the heads off random females while playing the version of Grand Theft Auto of your choice. When you watch a video of Rocco Siffredi sodomizing a girl while holding her head in a toilet, you start to realize that women are in fact objects not worthy of your affection. Once this occurs, the healing process can truly begin.

Jerk off as much as possible. Sixty-fucking dollars you used to pay for lobster dinners in an effort to get laid. You can get the same result for the cost of a video rental, lotion (I like Vaseline Intensive Care), a paper towel, and a little elbow grease. Do it, roll over, go to sleep. No stupid conversations. No "where do you think our relationship is going" bullshit. You change your car's oil yourself in an effort to save money. This is no different.

Oh, you're going to want to be in the company of a woman again. It's instinct. It's like eating meat, driving fast, and sleeping in. You have to do it eventually. If you meet a girl, have your guard up, do background checks over the internet, and maybe the girl passed out on your bathroom floor can be the next future ex-girlfriend. Dating is not the fun and glitz you see in television and movies. It's a lot of hard work and who wants to do that. Marriage is like a stripper: It falls in your lap unexpectedly and eventually takes all of your money. I say that I'll never date again... that I'll never get married. I know I will, though. And if you're in a position where you're in pain over something like a breakup, remember that time is the best healer.

Time... and smut.

Bungee jumping was awesome. Pictures to come. Here's someone else's video of himself jumping off of the first platform that I did today. I did a running jump off this plank. If anyone else wants to jump let me know. It's fun and, well, I get a discount.



goochout

Going bungee jumping today. I've been before.

I watch a lot of news while crying myself to sleep. Hell, I watch a lot of news while crying myself awake. I can't tell you what's going on in the world, but I can tell you which female reporters I'd like to have sex with:
I don't know this persons name. Maybe it would be better that way. (CNN)

I watch a lot of news while crying myself to sleep. Hell, I watch a lot of news while crying myself awake. I can't tell you what's going on in the world, but I can tell you which female reporters I'd like to have sex with:
Tracy Barry* (KGW/Portland, OR)



*Oh like you wouldn't. Seriously though, Portland people, how much Photoshop was thrown at this picture? Do you think graphic designers worked in shifts to produce this photo?

I watch a lot of news while crying myself to sleep. Hell, I watch a lot of news while crying myself awake. I can't tell you what's going on in the world, but I can tell you which female reporters I'd like to have sex with:
Poppy Harlow (CNN)

I watch a lot of news while crying myself to sleep. Hell, I watch a lot of news while crying myself awake. I can't tell you what's going on in the world, but I can tell you which female reporters I'd like to have sex with:
Kimberly Maus (KPTV/Portland, OR)

I watch a lot of news while crying myself to sleep. Hell, I watch a lot of news while crying myself awake. I can't tell you what's going on in the world, but I can tell you which female reporters I'd like to have sex with:
Nicole Laupin (CNN)

I watch a lot of news while crying myself to sleep. Hell, I watch a lot of news while crying myself awake. I can't tell you what's going on in the world, but I can tell you which female reporters I'd like to have sex with:
Megyn Kelly (Fox News)

Random past blog: 12/1/2002

There is nothing to report. Last night was sort of a blur. A strip club, naked breasts. I think when two hot chicks came to the bar and took all of the attention away from the strippers, things went downhill. Also, I may have had something to do with the orchestration of that. I like seeing strippers, but if you can convice a civilian chick to take her clothes off... it's exotic entertainment gold!

My neck is improving. I'm able to type a lot better. I'm going to miss a third soccer match in a row, but I'm sort of paranoid about bone on nerve stuff (since I've already suffered permanent nerve damage in my face).

I'm out.

Young Female Panhandlers... Denied:



NOTE: I phoned this one in (literally) and then decided instead of publishing it to shit-can it because, well, I didn't like it. I guess simply hanging up is the same as "publish now" on the Hipcast system. I just noticed it was on the site. Oh well. Not bad, just unpolished. Too many 'ums' as well.

To explain, I can hit one button on my phone and after it goes through the "push 1 then #" maze for a minute, it beeps and I can record things whenever they pop into my skewed brain. This was one of those times.

I haven't worked today (except for administrative stuff like invoicing and bank deposit). I have no desire to leave the house except for going to the gym. I'm becoming reclusive. Usually, that's the sign of a good writer.

Usually.

Anyways, the cat likes the extra attention. Unfortunately, if I keep on taking mornings off, we're both going to be eating cat food and using Oregonian newspapers for litter/toilet paper.

If you've read the Oregonian lately, you'd use it as toilet paper as well.

gooch:out

WBZTV: Driver charged with .491 Blood Alcohol Level

I guess .5 is considered, um, dead. He's not leaving me with much room to beat the record. I'm going to have to train (cue Rocky style training montage music) harder than ever before to prove that I'm the best of the best [Gooch leans forward in his chair, turns his baseball cap backwards - because it's like "flipping a switch" - cracks open a tall domestic can of beer and takes a drink. Fade to black]

goochout

I commissioned a reenactment of the fight between Christian Bale and his Mother and Sister:



I just read that the altercation was "verbal." So... what... did he just say "POW?" Christian Bale played a prisoner of war in 2006's "Rescue Dawn." Prisoner of war... P.O.W. - POW! The evidence is clear. I rest my case.

Bale has remained mum when questioned by the press. It's also his "Mum" (It's the way they say "Mom" in England, apparently) who was the alleged victim of assault. The evidence is clear.

goochout

UrbanDictionary.com: The Gooch

Nothing to do with me, but somewhat funny.

out.

This just in: MySpace is no longer cool.

I'm BeatMan.

People.com: Christian Bale arrested for assault

Christian Bale allegedly beat his Mother and Sister. Finally... I mean I thought the guy could do no wrong. Hottest career in Hollywood, beautiful wife and kid, legions of adoring fans. It's amazing how the fates balance shit like this out. Now I'm waiting for news that Miley Cyrus... no wait - the picture issue. Okay: I'm waiting for the Jonas brothers to get arrested in an illegal dog-fighting match in rural Montana. That'll please me to no end.


Sure, Bale may be the best Batman ever, but Adam West never beat his family. And he was a star in the 60s, when beating the living shit out of your wife was, you know, trendy.

GOOCH:out

Who left the apology for not keeping in touch?

Wall Street Journal: Map of Closing Starbucks

One more fucking thing for white people to get upset about. Starbucks is closing 600 stores and they've just recently revealed the stores scheduled for closing. From the link above, click on a state and a list of stores closing in that state appears at the bottom of the screen. Hell, I was curious about Oregon's closures, but I don't really drink coffee that much to give a shit. Close down a Red Bull factory and I'll start a protest that'll make the Million Man March look like the Thousand Man March.

Which, it was, as I recall.

goochout

Gooch: The Podcast #2

Gooch discusses the merits of being elderly. He points out the Alzheimers and hippie killing "conspiracies" he feels are abound in the geriatric community.

Meghan McCain. She's the one thing that may pull me off of the S.S. Obama. I believe that women and my penis were given the right to vote around the same time. It's an amendment, I'm sure. She's in bed with a laptop (maintaining her blog), her domestic light beer and PDA are within arm's reach. She's me, except hot, female, and rich. She's 23, so she's definitely getting up there, but probably has three or four good years left.

The podcast is available on iTunes. Working out some bugs (and I need to, you know, buy a microphone) but it's a go.



goochout