Well, you may have seen my appearance on the venerable cable access show "Harry Lime" last night. If you don't know who Harry Lime is, check out his website. If you do know who he is, you know that Lime is one of the most pleasantly misguided geniuses in Oregon. He is the antichrist to the media industry, of which (according to one interview that I found on the web) he is a part. His show is by most anyone's standards (including Lime's) disgusting, disturbing, offensive, and disgusting.

I've always been curious about the cable access world, the people behind it and those who appear on its shows. Lime is an interesting character. While Jim Spagg (Portland's revered cable access raunch king) maintains a strange persona in real life, Harry Lime (one of about 5 aliases) is, well, normal off screen. I plan on covering Lime and cable access in general in a future full-length column. I have plans to meet with the producer of Lime and Spagg's shows.

More importantly:

Did anyone see the show last night? How'd I do? I had no idea that I was going to be on the show to the extent I was. I planned on being a spectator. I got comfortable after a while, but jesus - live TV is nerve-racking. It's easy to watch a tape and think "I should have said this," or "I can't believe I said that," or "Why didn't I wear a mask during the broadcast."

After the show was over, one of the crew said to me "well, your career is over." Thank God it never began.

I do have the unique distinction (Lime doesn't even know this, I forgot to mention it) of being on both his show and his nemesis': Lars Larson. I spent time on Larson's show during the Napster debacle.

My calendar shows that at 7:00pm tonight I'll be at the Original Taco House on 82nd; 9:00pm at Conan's on 39th & Hawthorne watching the Cow Trippers at the KUFO battle of the bands; 11pm(?) a free show at Billy Ray's Neighborhood Dive 2216 NE MLK BLVD to see my favorite punk band, Porstore Janitor. The first two people to find me (and not gun me down) get a (legal) beer bought for them.

Love Gooch.

Confidential to the two white trash chicks that flipped me off this morning:

Never, ever, get between the Goochmobile and the nearest Starbucks. Those "Fast and the Furious" blue headlights that warmed your rear bumper were not just driven by me, but by a wicked caffeine addiction.

Tonight, on Portland Cable channel 11, the next Harry Lime television show will air live. I'm going to witness the broadcast as it unfolds at the studio. Click HERE for more information. The show and Lime's website are adult oriented, so don't view either if you're squeamish. Or my Mom.

--gooch

"NAMBLA's goal is to end the oppression of men and boys who have mutually consensual relationships."

Sick Fucks.

The North American Man Boy Love Association is getting sued because some followers of the organization's principles murdered an eight-year-old. I have a hard time coming up with an argument for arbitrary age limits when it comes to, say, cigarettes or booze. However, in those cases and when it comes to "consensual" sex, I'm fine with some age limit. Most kids are not educated enough (academically or through life experiences) to make the decision to drink, smoke, or screw. NAMBLA knows goddamned well that they are causing irreparable harm to the kids it victimizes.

This is a touchy subject with me, as you can tell. I grew up in a poor family and when the other kids my age joined Cub Scouts, my parents signed me up for NAMBLA because it was free for boys under 18. I did earn a lot of merit badges during my time at "Camp NAMBLA," as my parents called it.

There were some differences betweent Scouts and NAMBLA. The homoeroticism was in both organizations, but instead of "Webelos," as in Scouts, NAMBLA had "We Blows." Boy Scouts of America had "Eagle" scouts; NAMBLA had "Spread Eagle" scouts. In Scouts, they had to rub a stick long enough to start a fire; in NAMBLA we had to...

It's too painful to talk about.

--gooch

In my never ending battle with my weight, I've switched from the low carb diet regimen to a diet that most everyone will be able to follow. In a format similar to Dr. Atkins and Drs. Hellerman, I've created "Gooch's Carbohydrate, Fat, and Twinkie Addicts Diet." The basis of my diet regimen is that the dieter eats as much fat and sugar as they want, but cuts out the nutrients. I blame the US obesity problem on too many nutrients in the American diet.

As I write this log, I'm eating a ham-and-cheese hot-pocket. For dessert, I'll pour individual sugar packets directly into my mouth. For breakfast, I had a bowl of sugar with a few bran flakes sprinkled on top.

The "carbohydrate addict" concept is humorous to me as it conjures up images of sugar junkies walking into convenience stores and taking sugar packets at gunpoint. I think of carb addicts walking up and down MLK selling their asses for a sugar fix. I was once found passed out in the back seat of my car--my face coated in Hershey's chocolate. I'm a carbohydrate addict.

--gooch.

Homies:

Check out the following Humor page: HUMOR LINKS and rate my site. I'll write more later. Check out my review of Hotboxed in the CD Reviews section. Gooch out.

Afternoon drive-time shows in Portland, OR are absolutely atrocious and once used by me as an excuse for the three road-rage shootings I was involved with last year. However, I've since found Phil Hendrie on AM 620, The Buzz from 3pm-7pm weekdays. Very funny show. I'm not a very good judge of what is and isn't funny (check out my columnspage), but trust me on this one.

--gooch