It's the Weakend!

CNN: We're Married, Sleeping Separately

I guess restless legs, snoring, and despising your partner are reasons that people are choosing to sleep in separate beds. I happen to snore. I happen to snore more when I drink. When I actually wake up with someone else in bed with me, there was likely some drinking involved the night before. Sometimes a virtual stranger has to bear witness to the full force of my snoring. Girls that know better often leave before sleep takes place (also known as two problems resolving themselves at once). I was once asked upon waking up one morning if I "have sleep apnea." My Father does, but I certainly didn't think I did. I was told that I stopped breathing for up to 10 seconds or longer. Scary.

James Bond wakes up with chicks, and I'm sure as fuck his snoring isn't the first topic of conversation. God dammit, I hate myself. Here's some other things that people have said in the morning after waking up with me:

"You're not going to write about this on your blog, are you?"
"Don't tell anyone about this."
"I can't believe that happened."
"Sorry I broke your wrist restraint."
"I like pusghetti and meatballs"
"My God... [boyfriend's name] left 18 voice mails last night."
"You're leaving already? It's only 4am!"

Yes, I'm a pillar of society and the poster child for healthy interpersonal relationships.

gooch:out

21 Year Old to Auction Her Virginity

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Lunch Time...

How's this for a fucking headline:

Paperboy forced to eat newspaper with knife and fork

- Delivery person: "Just glad it wasn't Sunday!"

- Suspect: "Might have something to do with having to climb on the roof to get my motherfucking paper for the eightieth time."

- Delivery person: "Feel free to add the optional tip when you send the check. Asshole."

- Suspect: "I was inspired by the 'gluttony' scene in the movie 'Seven.'"

- Suspect: "Gooch:Out"

Steppin to the AM...

I talk too much. At this point, and in all seriousness, it could get me killed.

Or worse... not laid.

I think I'm going to try to see the Pacino/DeNiro movie, Righteous Kill. It opens tonight.

I got nothing.

out.

4:30... Duck out before Lumbergh sees you

Gooch: The Flashback

3/4/2000: The Xanax Speech

My spoof of the Baz Luhrmann take from a graduation speech. I read it now and see that I would change a few things. Still funny, if a little dated.

gooch:out

Before and Aftermath...

Taken directly from Sarah M's Facebook (pictures and comments from Greg and Betsy's wedding, the one I performed in Silverton):


Betsy, Gooch (performing the ceremony and best man) and Greg


Remember Gooch, the guy performing the ceremony? This is a mere 3 hours later. Coincidentally,this is what he wore to breakfast too!!

Steppin to the AM...

Ground Zero: In My Freezer

I came home last night to find the evidence of a small explosion in my freezer. I placed a Diet Pepsi in my freezer this morning in an effort to cool it down so that I could consume it on the way to work.

I of course forgot the can in the freezer and tonight, when I came home (cue 'psycho' theme) I found this:






The force of the explosion knocked the retaining bar out of its slot on the door and into the general freezer area. The can had become distended at the base prior to splitting straight down the side of the can, ultimately bursting. Frozen food packages and empty ice trays were blown around the perimeter. It was chaos inside the world of my freezer - if only for a split second.

We all remember 9/11, but I'll never forget 9/9... the largest attack on a domestic freezer. This time the terrorists did, in fact, win.

Goochpourri

UPDATE: The Full Length Columns, Pictures Archive, and Merchandise links are back. See "The Links" section to the right.

Man says he's eaten 23,000 Big Macs since 1972
They don't have a picture, but you can bet he's in the best shape of his life. Whoppers... those are the silent killers.

TMZ: UFC Champ Evan Tanner Cause of Death Announced
His plan really seemed to make sense. Except for the going out into the desert part.


Two days without any real sleep. If the bags under my eyes were any bigger, the TSA would ask to search them.

Slovakia's women's ice hockey pummels Bulgaria 82-0
So, is Slovakia really good, or is Bulgaria really bad? My bookie had the over/under at 62.

Websites of Note:
http://www.knickerpicker.com
http://www.surfthechannel.com

Blast from the Past:



goochout

Good Morning, Suckas!

This inability to sleep is getting to be bullshit. I woke up this morning to some high def CNN. I wanted HD Megyn Kelly, but Fox News doesn't have a HD channel yet.

Playing on my iTunes right now: Bitch Betta Have My Money (AMG)

Soccer starts tomorrow. It'll be fun to get back into that again.

Got my phone fixed yesterday. When they said not to get "liquids" into my phone, they didn't necessarily specify "coffee," which isn't a liquid but a precious, precious life giver. It should be held exempt for any damage it may cause.

I got nothing.

out.

In some knee ack

A couple of nights in a row. can't seem to sleep. Last night I watched a mini-marathon of Cheaters. I think that show is rotting my brain. I'm addicted, though. It's like meth for evil voyeurs. There was probably a better simile for that, but my brain is swimming with bad television and red wine.

I've started not knowing what time it is. Not figuratively... literally. I'm constantly surprised that it's a certain time. I was at a bar and didn't know it was 2am until people started leaving. I didn't know that I'd left my house at 12:38am to go out for a drink. I had to be reminded to leave the office at 5pm. For the last few days, it hasn't occurred to me to look at a watch or clock. And I'm surrounded by them. I was almost OCD when it came to looking knowing what time it was at any moment. My broken internal clock isn't even right twice a day.

I hooked up a high def receiver to the upstairs television. Looks sweet. I might watch the new Entourage again. I want to go to some beach some where and just live there. I worry about too many things.

g

And at the 11:11...

Gooch: The Index
Number of songs in iTunes: 41,425
Number of days the music would last if played continuously: 114
Number of contacts in Outlook contacts: 801
Number of appointments in Outlook calendar: 162
Age of my GOOCH-1 license plates, in years: 18
Number of days since sushi was last consumed: 18
Age of youngest girl I've dated in last two years: 20
Age of oldest girl I've dated in last two years: 37
Amount of largest bar bill paid for by myself: $275 (Miami, FL 2007)
Number of hours spent watching TV yesterday: 5
Number of goals scored during soccer since May 2007: 3
Number of televisions at home: 3
Number of weddings I've officiated: 3
Net weight loss (in pounds) between Tuesday and Friday last week: 3
Total disk space on home computer: 1.3 Terabytes

Lunch Time...

Fox News: Gene may hinder men's ability to commit (video)

Give me the internet and some time and I'll post an excuse for any one of my many personality flaws.

And at the 7:11...

Managed to drink all weekend. Had fun with a lot of people, though. Someone took a picture of me holding a sickening sweet alcoholic beverage called "Hard Creamer" which, coincidentally, is also my stage name.

Morning Wood...

Bobbie Billard: So hot, that even though I've thrown a lot of sex at this site in the last few weeks, she's the most asked about. Sexy as hell, indeed.

UPDATE: Holy shit... It's so funny that my last podcast was about drinking and making phone calls/texting. For one hour and 17 minutes, a post was up on this site that I had to just yank as soon as possible (as in two seconds ago). Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ. Don't drink and blog, kids. Don't drink and blog.

I'm a mess.

gooch:out.