In June of 2000, as I graduated from Portland State, I weighed in at 240 pounds. After my graduation party, I started on the Atkins low carbohydrate diet. Within four months I lost 30 pounds. I looked great, felt great, and I started to binge from Thanksgiving through New Years. Suprisingly, I only gained 16 pounds. I've maintained that weight to this day, weighing 226--my ideal weight if I were 9 feet tall.

On May 1st, while everyone was protesting workers rights and other trivial nonsense, I started back on the low carb action. It sucks ass. As is expected, I've lost all ambition and energy during the first two days. I've fallen asleep at 7pm two nights in a row. My brain is not functioning up to par, due to low blood sugar. These symptoms will subside, I hope, and I'll be back on track to getting myself down to the "mildly obese" category.

It's always when you've decided to abstain from doing something that the opportunities to do it come from all directions. The ultimate is that my boss just brought in about 8 pounds of chocolate bars and mints, for the office to graze at our leisure. Last week, these treats would have served as my sole source of nutrition for like three goddamned days. But I can beat those chocolate bars. They don't think so... they're staring me down from across the hall (yep, they're in perpetual eye-shot of my office). They're taunting me... "gooch, only 26 carbs (I checked), one won't kill you... everyone else is having one... I'll be your friend... the cool kids are doing it..."

SHUT UP! The fundraiser chocolates are the worst. F*ck 'em. I don't need them-- I've got hordes of non-carb meats and cheeses to consume.

I'm getting delirious... Sign my guestbook.

Peep this:

I got reviewed. Somehow, some way, a website found their way to my corner of the WWW and criticized me, a critic myself. The tables have been turned, the roles reversed. Oh well, it's evidence that someone checks out the site. To those people that have contacted me because their last name is, in fact, Gooch - the last part of the review might be offensive...

The Gooch

John "Gooch" Gallucci is a journalist/columnist. He
uses his Web site as a forum for his daily rants and
to archive almost all his published work. His
discussion is lively, with some gossip and shameless
slurring and the odd pitching of ideas such as his gay
version of "Survivor" called "The Real Gay World". You
can even hire him to get your band/event up and
pumping. All things considered, the site is
considerably more entertaining than you'd expect from
someone who willingly uses the nickname "Gooch".

http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/nsd.06.42.html

gooch

Beeatches:

Downtown Portland is a really funny place in which to hang out. It's the one part of Portland where you have to pay for parking, pay for the privelage to get into a bar, then pay a premium for booze that you can only drink while standing up because there's nowhere to sit. That's right: the emporer has no clothes, and going to dance clubs downtown sucks.

Notice I said "dance clubs," hoping to exclude from anyone's mind the thought that I'd be dissing any venue that supports local musicians.

Back to the downtown clubs. I went to a new place called "Boogy Woogies" (spelling may be wrong, but anyway) and paid $14 (me and my girlfriend) in cover to stand in an aisle for two hours while I sipped my very expensive Coors light. I not only sipped it because the bar priced it at the same price-per-ounce as say, cocaine, but because there was a crowd of people obscuring the entire bar service area making it nearly impossible to get a drink. However, I was with a group of friends who will most likely go back on a weeknight when it's not so crowded. The "dueling piano" themed place is pretty cool, I just can't goddamned stand people bumping in to me every five seconds. The people who did have a table probably didn't like my fat ass standing in front of them, either.

The winner bar of the evening? Ember's. Maybe there is a homo side to me that likes dance music in gay bars (I do own two Pet Shop Boys CDs). A cup of beer is $2.50 (not bad by downtown standards) and the music is pretty killer. Oh yeah... $5 cover. The Copper Penny (SE Foster) charges $10 per person on some nights. Parking in NW has never been a problem for me either, so once again: Ember's is the winner for last weekend, but check out Boogie Woogy's (Woogie's?)... on a weeknight.

Oh: www.goochonline.com may go down the same way as www.gooch-1.com did late last week. This is due primarily to the fact that Earthlink ISP SUCKS ASS. I've alerted the Attorney General; God they suck.

gooch