The Goochman Cometh. Often too sooneth.

Minions:

I'm at the coast again. I'm with a group of girls and a childhood friend, Aaron, seeking out fun and adventure in Newport, OR. Yo.

I'm hung over. I'm being summoned to the hot tub.

goochout.

Goochatar

Avatar is a film directed by James Cameron who directed some of the Terminator films and stars Sam Worthington who starred in a Terminator movie but not one that James Cameron Directed. The movie takes place 144 years into the future, but Sigourney Weaver still smokes cigarettes and Giovanni Ribisi still hits golf balls into a coffee cup.

So, 150 years after Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth" comes out, the people of Earth are mining the living fuck out of other planets. One in particular, Pandora, has a bunch of valuable minerals underneath a tree which houses a bunch of beings known as Avatars. They look as if Jar Jar Binks and Jeriba from Enemy Mine had good looking blue kids, without the offensive racial mannerisms. The Avatars can link up with trees and animals with connections in their ponytails - like USB 7.0 or something. I think it's how they fuck, too.

So in an effort to get the Avatars to leave their giant tree home so that we can chop it down with missiles, we genetically grow Avatar like creatures called Na'vi. The Na'vi bodies are like pods that humans can be brain-ported in to like in the Matrix. Paraplegic Marine Jake Sully is the underacheiver younger brother of a deceased scientist that was trained and supposed to mind meld with a Na'vi pod. He doesn't have any training, but what the hell - we'll send him in anyway.

So he visits the beings of Pandora and they want to smash his jacked up Na'vi teeth in when they first meet him. Ten minutes later they decide to teach him how to be one of them. Within weeks, he bangs the daughter of the King while becoming the best warrior the species has seen in 1000 years or so. He's got serious Na'vi game.

Sully decides that alien vag and the ability to walk beats VA hospital benefits, so he decided to join the Avatars' fight against the miners/military. Hijinks ensue.

Watch "Dances with Wolves" for the rest of the story.

*******

I watch Jersey Shore. I will watch the finale tonight. I hate that MTV blurs shit out. I mean, come on, how can you deprive us from seeing eye candy like this:




Mesmerizing. This reminds me of the time I tried to jerk off to midget porn. It was a valiant effort, but the paper towel lived to see another day.

I've gotta pop more pills and get to work. I'm running through life like Bad Lieutenant right now. Sweet.

gooch:out

allow me to bitch

I have a pinched nerve in my neck. It is debilitating painful. I'm a dick at work because of the pain and I just spend $50 on a chiropractic appt. Then go home, eat soup, and wash tylenol 3s down with some cheap red wine. I want to work out again. I want to have the sex that I wasn't having before this thing fucked up my life. I'm in my chiropractically correct recliner  positioned in front of my plasma TV.I look like a cross between Clockwork Orange and the Memorex guy. If you don't get those references, it's not my problem. All communication in and out has been through the Palm Pre.

the last round of T3s and merlot is kicking in. Gonna fade. I see the light. The light. It looks like a South Park rerun. Good night again. 

goochout.