Prostitution should be legal.

Natalie Dylan is auctioning her virginity online to pay for college. Not a new story by any means. Some religious groups are trying to stop the auction, God forbid that the moral ramifications of such an auction weaves itself into the moral fiber of the nation at large.

Religious groups need to cool off on the whole prostitution thing. The cops too, for that matter. Prostitution is alive and well. I mean, when a man and woman are dating each other, blow jobs tend to happen on a somewhat regular basis. Once marriage and kids enter the scene, oh boy. It's going to take more than opening the door for your girlfriend or telling her that she "looks beautiful today" to get the hummer machine started. Oh no, no, no. Once the ring gets on the finger, those knees will cease to bend. I guaranfuckingtee it. The days of the spontaneous "I love you" blowjob will be done. The price of a BJ just went up. And why... because you agreed to commit to a lifetime with her, or you decided to bring another life into the world?

So what does get a wife to open wide and say "ahhhh?" Currency. Specifically, diamonds. And men do not give a shit where the diamonds come from. Cruelty free? Blood Diamonds? We do not give a shit. If a Ugandan mine worker gets his arm cut off so that I can get my balls licked, then so be it.

We're already paying for electing Bush, let's help fix things by simply paying for bush.

So indeed, there are many examples of some form of currency in exchange for sex. Whether it be a diamond ring or six cosmopolitans, some tangible item is always being traded for trim. Why then are groups and the police wasting their time on enforcing prostitution laws? There's too much of a fine line between legal and illegal prostitution.

We are in the worst financial times in eighty years. It would be a great time to allow an entirely new industry to flourish. What an innovative way to boost the economy. We're already paying for electing Bush, let's help fix things by simply paying for bush.

Wow, I wrote that.

By the way, ladies... I'm single.

Fox News: 22-year-old selling virginity online and Feds can't do a thing about it.

goochout.

The Birds and the Bees

Supposed to be a man and his son fishing on a boat to illustrate this blog. Heh, this picture is the funniest part of this post. Leave a comment if you know what it is. Hint: It's from a movie sequel and it's not a man and his son talking about the birds and the bees.

My parents never had "The Talk" with me. Thank fucking God. My entire childhood was awkward enough without having to endure Mom or Dad stumble through that sort of conversation; the duration through which I would just have my head buried in my hands.

So I learned about sex the way a lot of kids do; through porn. Learning about sex through porn is the same as having a parent sit you down, you know, like during a fishing trip with Dad, and saying something along the following:

Son, you're getting older and probably noticing your body going through changes. You're growing hair in your armpits and groin area. Your voice is deepening. You're becoming a man. You are going to find yourself attracted to girls, if you haven't already. Son, when a man is attracted to a woman, and she to him, it's natural for them to want to make love.

This means that a man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. Or her ass. Or her mouth. Sometimes, son,he puts his penis in her ass, then her mouth. That's called "ass to mouth" or "a2m." If a woman really cares deeply for a man, he'll let him have sex with her in her vagina, while his friend has sex with her in her ass. That's called "double penetration," or "dp."

Now, son, if a couple truly loves each other and they've done enough cocaine, the woman will let the man and his friend place both of their penises into her ass. That's called "double anal."

It's important during the act of making love that a man expresses affection for the woman. He can do this in many ways: caressing her face with his hands or gently kissing her. He can also choke her, spit in her face or mouth, and even slap her. Yes, son, girls like it when you slap them across the face during intercourse.

Remember: Sex can lead to pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. You should always use a condom until you're ready to have children. When a man and woman who are in a sexual relationship aren't ready to have children and there is no condom available, then he can hold her by the throat while he ejaculates into her face. This is called a "facial" and is a very effective method in preventing pregnancy. He can also ejaculate into, or creampie, her ass. This too is a great way to keep from
getting pregnant.

You see, son, sex when done carefully can be a fulfilling and rewarding experience for a man and a woman in love. And his friend. Or her friend(s). Just remember to be prepared. You know, with a camcorder. Yes, son, always have a camcorder charged before you make love to a girl. A condom's good too.

Yeah, I think that sums up my sexual education since my formative years were spent watching porn on my Dad's hacked satellite dish. By the way, ladies, I'm single!

I should be drinking right now.

gooch:out.

Picture of the week:

Outside Bernie Madoff's penthouse apartment...






Classic.

goochout

R.I.P. Ricardo Montalban

Ricardo Montalban as Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

1920-2009

I may have bought my last steak dinner...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Morning Wood...

Teagan Pressley: Porn Star

Staff writers from several dictionary publishers are camping outside the Mittleman Jewish Community Center soccer field to start writing new definitions for the words "pain," "suffering," and "fat." Wednesday night is the return to our preempted last season due to weather and structural damage to the field's inflatable dome structure.

Have an early to late day of work. It's one of those days that will last 11 hours but I'll be fed beer and food during the course of it, I'm sure.

Off to fight the war on malware, spyware, and brokeware. The latter is what I'll be if I don't get to work.

Peace, bitches.

goochout.

If you're not part of the solution...

...you're probably just an asshole.

That's how I feel, in the ambiguous world of Gooch where I complain about the very acts of atrocity in which I partake.

One atrocity not committed by me: shitty grammar.

Otherwise, lock and load and rock and roll. I am American: A white, fat, self absorbed and unemployed nightmare with no grasp of reality or responsibility. I'm a rat in a maze trying to find the path of least resistance to the cheese of immediate gratification. I think I provide balance in a still family-oriented environment. I'm like Heath Ledger's Joker... I commit acts of badness for the sake of committing them. For those who subscribe to the "conflict" model of sociology: you're very welcome.

I watched The Wrestler yesterday. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg should go through every movie in which Marissa Tomei had a role and use CGI to make her naked in those films. They should quit fucking with their movies and embrace the fact that MT has decided to get naked in movies (she plays a stripper in The Wrestler) and go back and make her movies that much better. No CG love scenes with Joe Pesci, please.

In all seriousness, The Wrestler is a great movie. It's so simple yet not too predictable. Great character driven plot without being pretensious. Mickey Rourke is great, but he's the poster boy for plastic surgery gone bad.

I'm on a girl's computer right now. I have to spend the next ten minutes deleting every downloaded picture, google search for "marissa tomei stripper" and any other traces of my being on this computer. Gotta go.

gooch:out!