Douchebag of the Day

Mayor who sent watermelon e-mail says he'll resign

I felt bad about this Mayor... I was lamenting the loss of a career from a stupid email forwarding. Then I read this line:

Grose said he didn't mean to offend anyone and claimed he was unaware of the racial stereotype linking black people with eating watermelons.

Wow... all that loss of credibility with one sentence. So he forwarded a picture that made absolutely no sense to him? Douche!

I think some jokes involving stereotypes are hysterical. In fact, I'm going to start dancing arythmically with my top teeth over my lower lip to ABBA once I'm done typing this.

Mamma Mia Motherfuckers!

goochout

No, I don't think the Obamas are just another black family living in government housing.

He died doing what he loved...

Man, 28, Dies After 'Guzzling' Viagra During 12-Hour Romp

Two chicks at the same time with the aid of Viagra? Where do I sign up? I almost did two girls at the same time after I took Viagra. What happened? Yadda yadda yadda... sitting in bed by myself watching an episode of Family Guy over my sheet covered Viagra fueled erection.

True story, I'm afraid.

I have to buy new pants before I go to a funeral today (or lose 20 pounds in three hours). Is there any girl out there that would blow me if I lost 30 pounds? I think I need that carrot at the end of the stick (so to speak) to get myself into dating weight. Married women are disqualified. Unless they're hot, and the husband is small or disabled in some way that he is unable to squeeze a trigger.

Come on! What the fuck is some dude personal trainer going to do for me? Blow job: my ticket to fitness!

goochout

Movie Night

I went and saw "He's Just Not That Into You" Last night.

A few things: Not a bad film, a little long winded. Definitely could have resolved the 20 or so subplots a little tighter.

Scarlett Johannsen: Way more fuckable than I ever gave her credit for.

Drew Barrymore: Amazingly less fuckable with every year that passes.

Jennifer Connelly: Needs to go back to showing her breasts in all of her films. That face isn't cutting it anymore, sister.

Ben Affleck: What the fuck is up with those teeth? Are they caps? There's something so unnatural about that smile of his and it's not entirely his shitty acting. It's something...

Jennifer Aniston: Oh... she's full of classic bangability. Absofuckinglutely adorable. [sigh]

Decent movie; an interesting foray into relationships done in a way that multiple situations and circumstances could be explored simultaneously. I think anyone that watches it will relate in many ways to the different characters and types of relationships explored. I suggest, however that anyone who watches it does so in the comfort of their own living room with a rental copy.

What, no updates?

Lame.

goochout

Lunch Time...

Barack and (sushi) Roll!

Peep this sushi display. I don't know how they do this stuff. I watch it almost every day from behind the carousel sushi bar. I never thought about sushi art. I'm sure it involves a bamboo rolling mat, a small propane torch, a sharp knife, and ninja-esque sorcery. Oh, and if Oregon's an indication, sushi preparation also requires a staff of five Mexicans. Mexican'ts need not apply.

Gooch Fact: I've only spent $46.25 on sushi since 12/30/08. (Source: Quicken)

Gooch Fact: he's out.

Goochpourri

What I've learned recently...

I've learned that just because you want to have sex with someone, doesn't mean you should date them.

I've learned that you can't make someone like you. Even if you're holding a gun.

I've learned that NASCAR fans do, in fact, have high speed internet.

I've learned not to fuck with NASCAR fans.

I've learned that the children are the future. In the present, however, they're pains in the ass.

I've learned that the girls I should be dating are likely not fans of my strip club DJing voice; I should refrain.

*****

How I'm dealing with the current economic climate:

Switching from real cologne to Axe Chocolate body spray: I no longer have the desire to pay $60 to smell like a French gigolo. Now, I pay $5.49 to smell like a adolescent Hershey bar. What a great move for a fragrance company: girls like chocolate, make a spray-on scent for men that smells like chocolate. Now girls and fat dudes will start following me. How about an Axe fragrance that smells like chocolate, salty things, and cash. Spray an ounce of that on my groin and let the magic happen.

Only dating one girl at a time: Dating multiple women at once can remove the look of desperation from your face on date night. However, it shrinks your wallet, expands your waistline and you start to feel like an asshole along the way.

Quit paying $4 for coffee: Fuck Starbucks. $4 coffees and they are still closing stores? I don't want to give them any more money to line executive pockets and lay off baristas. Laying off a barista is totally fucked because what else is someone with a master's degree in History going to do for work?

Drink at Home: That $12 bottle of wine in your wine rack is being served for $7.00 a glass at a restaurant.

Pirating movies and music: Why pay $9 for a ticket to sit in a room full of assholes watching a shitty movie. After downloading a current film, I can sit in a room full of assholes in my own living room. And music? My car stereo doesn't even have a CD player.

******

2009 marks the 25th anniversary of the release of the original Terminator movie. That was the first rated 'R' film I'd ever seen in a theater. I remember being 10 years old and thinking how awesome it was seeing Linda Hamilton's naked breasts on the big screen. "I can't wait until I'm old enough to jerk off to this," I remember saying.

From IMDB's "Trivia" page: O.J. Simpson was considered for the role of the Terminator, but the producers feared he was "too nice" to be taken seriously as a cold-blooded killer.

goochout
post subject to updates.