UPDATE: PROBLEM FIXED (PILOT LIGHT:OUT)

My furnace seems to be merely recirculating cold air throughout the house. That can't be good. Is that a cash register I hear in the distance?

gooch:cold

Due to a phone call that I just received with implications to the contrary:

I am not gay.

"I always kind of thought you were..." she said. "I'll love you either way" she said.

I might expand on this later. I might bury this entirely. Not gay.

I'm going to go eat red meat, shoot a gun, and screw a stripper this weekend. It's on my list of things to do now. I might do all three at the same time.

***

An excerpt from an email I drunkenly sent last night:

What's funny is that the stereotype I'm trying to avoid is well... me

It doesn't make sense. It's how I started an email to someone I hadn't heard from since high school. Had nothing to do with the email she sent. Bizarre. I guess I'm a stereotype that I'm trying to avoid.

***

Funniest shit I'd heard all day (yesterday) from my cousin Micah: "This is kind of awkward... Remember how I told you we got your Christmas gift a long time ago? Well it was the box set for season one of Mind of Mencia." It was a goof, but I believed him for a second. Well played, Micah. Well played. Coincidentally, I actually saw the first season of Mind of Mencia for sale at a car wash yesterday.

gooch:notgay

Got drunk last night. First time that's happened in a while. Dammit. I'm pissed at myself. A few drink and dials, a couple drink and emails. Son... of... a... bitch. Fuck. I'm locking myself back in my house. Big TV, no excuse for this shit. Should just stay home. If you hate yourself, is that the opposite of masturbation? I hate myself, but I'll still J.O. I'm like a bad relationship wrapped up in one person.

Going back to bed, where it's safe. From me.

gooch:done

Two things I love are the show Entourage and the cable company's On Demand feature. There's an episode that I watch on a regular basis, Entourage #10: "My Maserati Does 185", that encapsulates several events in my own life recently. Maybe I'll delve into that more later, just a thought while I sit here typing.

I gotta get to work. I'm really sick and I feel like someone has beaten the shit out of me. It's a familiar feeling, but fuck this hurts. It hurts like the time a guy started punching me in the back while I was sleeping on a couch because he got jealous that his step sister (who he'd been trying to find all night) might be fucking one of my friends.

Which he was, allegedly. Punching a sleeping guy; that's awesome. I think Gregster jumped to my rescue that night.

Only in Troutdale.

gooch:ouch.

KGW (Portland's NBC affiliate): James Kim found dead

CNN: Breaking News

It's just a sad story all around. I was really hoping for a miracle outcome on this. I wouldn't have cracked the jokes I did if I didn't think there was a chance of survival.

This sucks.

TMZ: Lane Garrison did several shots before fatal crash

Hey Lane: Johnnie Cochran's dead. You're fucked.

Correction: Carlos Mencia's real name is Ned Holness. He's not a beaner... he's as Mexican as I am black (no sicilian jokes, please). He's half German, half Honduran, and all Asshole. Joe Rogan's rant (linked below in an earlier blog) is good reading.

I was out of it when I wrote this morning's blog. An excerpt:

"I have two important days of work tomorrow."

Wow. I got to work okay. Still feel like shit, but the bills will get paid.

Not for typing on this though. Later.

I hate being sick. I have two important days of work tomorrow and I'm high on Theraflu at 2:30am. See the cartoon about being a contract employee as to why it truly sucks when I'm sick.

I talked to five different friends last night on the phone while I laid on a couch dying and no one uttered anything near the phrase "I hope you feel better." One person called a second time because they needed help fixing their computer. Sure, I'm delirious from copious amounts of cold medicine, but fuck. How shallow an existence I have [wait, who am I, Yoda?]. Too bad it's after 2am, I'd go to the strip club and give a $20 to a stripper and if she asked me if I wanted a couch dance I'd say "no, just pretend like you give a shit for five minutes. Or when the song ends, whichever comes first."

I'm really starting to feel for James Kim, the Californian who got lost with his family while vacationing in Oregon. His family has been found, but he's still wandering out there and searchers are desperately trying to find him. I actually joked with someone earlier yesterday about Kim, a reviewer of and writer of books on electronic handheld gadgets, being lost because he probably used MapQuest, the often questionable online mapping website notorious for getting people lost. Here's an excerpt from an article on CNet, Kim's employer's, website:

The Kims had used Mapquest to map out a route but wanted a scenic route to the coast, Crozier said Tuesday. The visitor center representative who was working that day gave the Kims a map printed off an unidentified Internet site, he said. "She warned them that by the time they got down there (southern Oregon), it would more than likely be dark, and she cautioned them not to take the route," he added.

Holy shit. The guy didn't have a GPS or something? He's rich, he's Asian, he tests gadgets for a living. I'd have guessed one of his many cameras had a built in satellite phone or something.

Stereotypes ahoy!

With my survival skills, I'd have died probably 10-15 minutes after my car went off the road. My survival skills are that unkeen. He's an inspiration to us nerds everywhere.

gooch:out

I hate Carlos Mencia. It's no secret. I found out while listening to Paul Mooney on Howard Stern that Mencia isn't even Mexican. I started doing research and found out his name isn't even Carlos Mencia. It's Ned Mencia and he was born in Honduras. Here's what other people had to say since I'm too fucking sick to write anything right now and DayQuil is the only thing keeping my fingers moving:

Freak Safari

Joe Rogan (I'm not the biggest fan of him, either, but fuck it. I have a fever).

goochout

Actor Lane Garrison, DUI, kills 17 year-old

So Lane Garrison, an actor on the show Prison Break, gets in a one car accident in his SUV which kills a 17-year old boy. Other passengers included two 15 year old girls. The accident happened around 2am and alcohol bottles were removed from the car by police. The actor, 26, wasn't arrested at the time.

He is 26, in case you didn't notice.

He's not even that famous of an actor. How do you wreck a car, show signs of intoxication, kill a kid, and not get booked? Fifteen year old girls? Were the girls going to star in a spinoff of Prison Break called Prison Bait? I hope he ends up in a reality show called Prison Rape.

What a dick.

goochout

For those that don't know, I am a contract employee. I used to feel like time not working was money flying out of my wallet. I turn to drinking during those times. Dulls the pain, it does.

The first thing I do in the morning is read the funny pages. I read everything else, but the comics come first. I think I'm going to start a crusade to get Family Circus out of the paper because there really isn't that much creativity in making up 4-year-old's misspeaks. Seriously, is the entire point of the joke, the big punchline, that Billy said "insistent" instead of "assistant?" That's it? Some guy makes millions of dollars sitting in a room writing shit like "Dolly says 'sammiches' instead of 'sandwiches.'" It'll be a riot! Not on my watch. I'm going to take action.

Tee hee, I'm a dick.

Last night I helped a friend get a Christmas tree, going through all of the things that I avoided by getting a fake tree this year. Picking out the tree; looking for bad spots or sides. Strapping the tree to the roof of the car; trying to look like you have a plan or strategy to secure the tree when you really, in fact, don't. Hauling the tree into the house; looking at the mess it makes from the door to the floor. Cutting off the bottom of the trunk and ultimately getting the tree into those godforsaken stands that expect you to secure an entire tree with finger knobs. In the end, it's a big, beautiful tree and I look forward to decorating it tonight.

I need to go to work. It feels like this is blog is costing me a fortune.

goochout