Adam and Eve, not Adam and... Gooch?

I now pronounce you: Spank Bank material.

I can't believe that the religious wackos are still protesting same sex marriage. They should, rather, protest dysfunctional hetero marriages. Which is more detrimental to society? A quiet gay couple next door or Charlie fucking Sheen holding a knife to his wife's throat?



Too many people that have no business getting married are doing so without any oversight while gays in functional relationships are given shit for wanting to commit to one person for the rest of their lives?

"Are you willing to forsake all others, and all bath houses?"

I think that instead of persecuting the pillow biters and berating the bean flickers for wanting to enter into some sort of recognized union we should instead impose a qualification process for all people wanting to get married. That's right - no more quickie Vegas weddings and it should take a little more than signing a sheet of paper and having some asshole internet minister read the vows so you can go off and have more kids than your trailer can hold and put 911 on speed dial because "he only hits me when he's drunk."

Stricter qualifications for a couple of any sexual orientation is necessary to prevent not only domestic violence, but also the conception of kids into a fucked up family dynamic. Eventually, the reduction of ill-advised marriages would save lives and reduce crime by not creating the wife beating environment that leads to raising the fucking asshole kids that grow up ultimately steal your car stereo and beat domestic animals (you know, for example).

What's the real issue with the gays, anyways? Is it because they commit unnatural sex acts? Join the fucking club. Is is because same sex couples can't reproduce? There's already too many people on Earth. Same sex marriage is like an overpopulation solution in itself. Let the gays get married and adopt the children languishing in orphanages domestically and in third world countries.

Quite frankly, on the topic of unnatural sex acts: I love blow jobs. Call me a biolagical mistake or a deviant, just make sure my dick is in your mouth while you say it. I don't think my desire for a knob slob puts me in an exclusive club, most dudes are into them, I'm sure. However, It's a slippery slope (no, that's not the name of a gay Asian porn video, or is it?) from hetero oral sex to full on Liberace getting a rimmer from George Michael in a rest area bathroom gay sex.

So, if you're worried about same sex marriages, give it a rest. Focus, rather, on improving existing marriages and make it so that future unions are forged with the best intentions and are more likely to last.

gooch:out

Death to Gooch(y)

I haven't done anything of note lately. A drastic reduction of alcohol consumption replaced by pleasant evenings out for dinner or sitting at home trying in vain to fix my out of warranty PS3 may have contributed to this state of calm.

But it's okay. I'm comfortable with being the drunken out of control fat guy. It gives me a miguided purpose in life... a jester among my friends. I love making people laugh and I've come to terms with the fact that I'm better liked when I'm drunk. When I say that I'm going to "drink myself attractive," it's in reference to the fact that girls really seem to like me when I've had a few too many. I wish I had the self confidence and sense of humor that "Drunk Gooch" has, but I don't... I just pay his bills and clean up after him.

For the last 10 years or so, I've had this caricature of myself to look up to. He's 1000 times more talented and more fucked up than I am. All of his experiences have been way more extreme, his heartbreaks way more severe, and his career way more successful. He's had the "girl that got away" and even at his heaviest weight wore the same corduroy shirt that I happen to wear at my heaviest (which I threw the fuck out recently). I always managed to spot the parallels between Artie Lange and myself - not the good ones, but the mentality behind being insecure to the point where you think that people dig on the fact that you're completely out of control and you think that gettiing yourself fucked up all of the time will keep everyone happy.

He even lamented at times that people he dated would want him to be the guy he was on stage all the time. I've been lambasted by some for not being funny at a particular moment, or for staying quiet at a social setting because I didn't want to be the center of attention.

I took a particular interest in Artie Lange because he was sort of this misguided soul that despite his self destructive efforts became successful. I always felt that with my propensity to make mistakes, I could be inspired by Artie and pull myself through the way he had.

So last week I read that Artie Lange tried to kill himself. I don't idolize any celebrities for anything other than their success. And by success, I mean money. And by money, I mean random unsolicited blow jobs. When you listen to a radio show, as I listen to the Howard Stern show pretty much every day, you identify with the personalities as you would any people with whom you spend a few hours a day. I took the Artie suicide thing kind of hard. It saddened me anyways. It made me not want to be that guy. I feel kind of game over-esque.

I hung out with friends at a bar recently and I didn't drink. It was almost a science experiment. I wanted to see if I could still make people laugh, I wanted to see if I could maintain conversations without getting nervous.

What a pain in the ass that was.

There's no way to end this post eloquently. I'm probably as sick of writing it as you are reading it. So take this as more of a brain dump than a coherent piece of writing.

Cheers.

gooch:out