GOOCH: A REAL AMERICAN HERO. GOOCH: A FULLY POSEABLE ACTION WRITER. FINALLY, AN ACTION FIGURE YOU CAN BE PROUD TO GIVE TO YOUR KIDS. SERVER ROOM PLAYSET AND BATTLETECH FORD ESCAPE SOLD SEPARATELY. BATTLE THERAPIST ACTION FIGURE SOLD SEPARATELY. FOR GIRLS, THERE'S A GOOCH ACTION FIGURE WITH REMOVABLE HEART THAT CAN BE PULLED DIRECTLY OUT OF THE CHEST. DAVE BARRY DOESN'T HAVE AN ACTION FIGURE. HE HATES CHILDREN.

I get a lot of hits from military domains. I'm not the most political of persons, nor do I claim to be able to converse ad naseum about foreign policy and other political matters. I will say that I don't feel that this war is for "oil," as the pot smoking ignorant hippies blocking traffic in downtown streets seem to think. I'm pretty sure that it is, in its simplest form, PAYBACK FOR FUCKING UP OUR BUILDINGS AND PENTAGON AND KILLING A LOT OF INNOCENT AMERICAN PEOPLE.

Iraq needs an enema and who better to give it to them than us? As far as us killing innocent people in Iraq, I'm sure it might happen, but I believe we're doing everything possible to reduce the risk. Everyone in Iraq knows where we're going to bomb; and they know not to hang out there. We've got missiles that fly around buildings and don't detonate until they've hit their target - and they do that within a couple of meters. Our missiles do everything but fly up to one of Saddam's palaces, knock on the door, announce "Dominoes Pizza delivery guy" and wait for Hussein to answer the door before it blows up.

You should have seen the "Shock and Awe" attack I unleashed on the bar last night.

All kidding aside. Military people: get home safely. We're proud of you.

Protesters: keeping innocent people from driving through downtown Portland (and other major cities) will not do anything to stop the war; you're pissing off the wrong people to get your point across.

9/11: THE REAL REASON FOR THE SEASON

I think I'm beginning to add a new level (or dimension, if you will) to this site. A lot of the people that visit this site do so primarily because they want to see if something new has been written. They just want something short to read during the course of the day. I cater to the short attention span, and have done so since I began writing in my high school's newspaper.

For the last couple of days, I've managed to go on my own site, curious as to what I've written. Sometimes when I drink, I become expressive and this is my primary outlet for expressing myself. So, when I log on to my site after a night of drinking, I read with some interest what I've written. Look at the log below. Take the first line. There's no explanation as to why I'm in pain, just that those who can't stand me can take comfort in knowing that I am. I mean, this is all crap that I'd never even discuss sober. I'm leaving it here almost as a science experiment on display. Look at the geeky references to Star Wars. I automatically assumed that the reader may not understand Roman numerals, so I throw in some condecension, perhaps to feel better about myself. The radio station incident is not something I would have even bothered with. I'm not the only "Gooch" in the world. Who knows? Let's see... Aggression to a faceless foe... self deprecation... an attempt at appearing that I have self esteem... credit to the drinks I had that evening... a plug for my auctions... and an almost non sequitur referring back to the radio show call-in issue. That log has everything! It's even prefaced and appended with the word "fuck." It's almost like bad poetry.

Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.

I did run into Nic from DFiVE9 who informed me that tickets for their April 5th show are almost sold out.

Gooch: Falling down the Twelve Steps since 11/02.

fuck.

To anyone who has ever been pissed at me...revel in my pain now. do it now, because like Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'll only become more powerful. I have, in fact, been struck down like Darth Vader did to Ben Kenobi in Episode IV (4, you dumbshit). Therefore, I'll only become more powerful. I'm drunk, again. Hey... If you're the guy calling Portland radio station KNRK pretending that you're "the Gooch from cable access," blow me. Lick my balls because I'm the last person you want to imitate. Say you're Jim Spagg or Harry Lime, but not me, you cocksuckers. I'm not a role model. I'm a disease, like herpes. I'll always come back. I can't be hurt. I can be injured. Props to all mixed drinks that include Red Bull. Red Bull got me home tonight. Don't forget to bid on my stuff. I'm NOT calling in to KNRK 94.7

fuck.

BUY MY CRAP!

Click HERE to access my eBay page. I'm selling my old Cisco router and Nokia 3360 phone. Both of these items have had a profound impact on my life. Don't think of it as buying used electronics, think about it as buying pieces of history.

Six-year-old child watches war on NBC

Says "This is the worst video game ever... the Tom Brokaw graphics are so fake"

So, we're at war. Normally, as I did with 9/11, I'd be watching television until my pupils turn gray. Really on 9/11 I did nothing but watch TV, eat junk food, and mix myself drinks at home (something I hadn't done in two years). I even remember what I was drinking: Crystal Light and Vodka. It pissed me off that I had to leave the TV to go to work. Or bathe.

I was seeing a shrink during that time (for court related reasons, not because I'm nuts) and I asked him specifically for this website as to how much TV people should watch during all of this. Here's an excerpt from Eleven Days in September in the Columns section of this site:

I spoke with a psychologist today who said that the hours and hours that people are spending watching the repeated broadcasts of the terrorist attacks is detrimental not only to general mental well being, but cognitive ability as well. He suggests that people limit the television watching, or at this point eliminating it altogether and getting news strictly from print and radio. There is nothing positive to be gained from watching the attack over and over again. He also suggested that people of faith spend time in their places of worship, and for people in general to get away from the television and get together to discuss their feelings, vent, cry, etc.

The same advice, I'd imagine, holds true during a war. Kids? They don't need to get information from anywhere other than their parents. So, turn off the tube. I listened to the radio all last night and got pretty much all the information that I needed there.

PICTURE OF A FLAG THAT I TOOK ON 9/13/01

MSNBC: Orange-plus’ threat level in effect

Orange plus? Why not Red light or Red express or Orange ultra. I didn't know that there were going to be variables when they put together this color coded warning system. I guess we're too afraid to say the word "red."

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ESCALATE THIS TO BURNT ORANGE ALERT. OR BRICK RED.

Whoa... I've written two blogs in my life that I didn't quite remember writing when I saw them. The first got deleted. The one below, I'll keep. I guess you shouldn't drink and blog. The least you'll lose is your dignity and self respect. Clarification: the subject line "White Trash Girls..." was from spam that I received. I've got to give Drunk Gooch props for the .125 Irish/blood alcohol level joke. I wouldn't have thought of that sober, I don't think. Well, Happy St. Patrick's day.

ME... LOOKING LIKE I JUST PASSED A BLARNEY STONE

Best subject line in an email I received today: "White Trash Girls are Easiest to Fuck of All the American Women."

If that's the case, then Gresham's my fucking Mecca. Hey... it's the Gooch... and I'm drunk!. I'm 1/8th, or .125 Irish... and my blood alcohol content is also .125. Coincidence? Nope!. So off to Kell's I went tonight with some friends. I wanted to have sex with every person in the party tent. Then, I wanted to have sex with the girls there, too. What a party. I haven't partied like that since the 7th grade. I'm single as hell, but I like a girl and her coworkers were there, so I limited myself to merely being a complete, disgusting pig and not going so far as to getting maced. I must have worked a full six hours today. I guess I'm sleeping in tomorrow. I have yet to get an unemployment check from the State... maybe unemployment payments are only a myth perpetuated by the white man. Maybe I'm a myth perpetuated by the white man. I forgot to call in for my local Dominoes pizza tonight, like I do every Monday. What the hell am I going to do for breakfast tomorrow?

Yo... the bathroom in the "Rage Against the Latrine" blog is not the bathroom in my condo. I only wish that I had a functioning toilet in my house.