Quotable Quotes...

Happy birthday... we noticed you didn't call last week. -Manager of the local Domino's Pizza, calling me to wish me a happy birthday.

I think a lot of girls' eyes are bigger than their vagina when they shop for those things. -Female friend, discussing women who buy really large sex toys

No one in your group is in law enforcement, are they?
-Restauranteur hosting a bachelor party for next weekend that I helped coordinate

Hey... who's at the door?
Scott Peterson, arrested yesterday and booked on two counts of murder after the bodies of his wife and son were found.

Yeah... we're going to need you to squeeze this rubber ball so that we can find a vein.
-The guy who (hopefully soon) gets to execute Christian Longo by lethal injection for the murder of his wife and three children.

I am trouble. You could be in trouble if you want.
-Clever line written in my guestbook by a girl.

You're probably passed out on someone's floor...
-Ex girlfriend while wishing me a happy birthday on my voice mail this morning.

8:15
-The time indicated on my Swatch, despite the fact that it's 2:00 and I just had the battery replaced.

It's my birthday.

SARS virus identity confirmed

World Health Organization says tests confirm
new coronavirus is cause

The coronavirus is, of course, spread through the unsafe practice of not serving a bottle of Corona with a lime.

GOOCH AND MISS WHITE TRASH 2001

Wow, I just found this picture buried in the day planner I used religiously while writing for Jam Magazine. Good times. Good times. This was back when I had a girlfriend. You can see a little bit of apprehension on my face at the prospect of having a picture of me with a girl's tongue in my ear in circulation. If I recall correctly, I nixed this picture from being on the cover of Jam, out of respect for the girlfriend. Now, if I go a weekend without someone taking a picture of me with some girl's tongue in my ear, I'm annoyed. In the photo, of course, I'm wearing a GoochOnline Rx T-shirt, available in the merchandise section of this site (hit MERCH in the menu above).

Mmmmhmmm...

I'm turning 29 this Saturday. I guess I'm supposed to take stock, inventory in my life. But I won't. I won't, because responsibility isn't on my agenda. What is on my agenda? Sit-coms tonight. Sit-coms followed by a sugar induced coma. The little bastards next door are selling fund-raising candy. And I'm buying it, baby. Miss White Trash 2001 is giving me my birthday haircut tomorrow. I'm doing my birthday drinking all week. I've got to line up a birthday lapdance soon. Absolutely nothing worth mentioning here, except that sometimes people check in to this site strictly for something to read. Oh, if you drive by Powell's Books in Portland, look at the name on the marquee: Diana Abu-Jaber is doing a book signing. Ms. Abu-Jaber gave me a c+ in a creative writing class because I wouldn't revise the first draft of my story. If I write something, there it is. I don't second guess myself (unless I was drunk when I wrote it, not an uncommon phenomenon during the Jam Magazine days) when I write something. There's no final draft and director's cut... this is it, baby. So, she's a successful published author, but she'll likely be best known for giving me an average grade in writing.