The Goochman Cometh. Often Too Sooneth.

Ha! I decided that I'm still a virgin. I've just been masturbating with vaginas for the last 17 years. Hell, they're better than banana peels. Not always as good for conversation, though.



It's blustery out. I'm an island. I've used the lure of copious amounts of alcohol and, you know, gems of jokes like the last paragraph to get people over, but things like the possibility of property and/or physical damage are thwarting my efforts. Even the cat is paying me little attention. I have to walk in the snow to clean her litter box. The least she could do is walk around and do cute little cat things. Bat at a ball of yarn... rub her face against things... do SOMETHING besides eat, fill the litterbox, and sleep.



With slight variations due to species, I haven't done much else myself.



I found my only high school girlfriend on Facebook. It's strange, someone I dated is married with five kids and I'm sitting in a condo writing vagina jokes and trying to decide what cocktail I want to start my evening with. It's not even 6pm!



Ah, but I'm happy.



: )



goochout.

Christmas at the Condo

I forgot I took this picture. It's also the vantage point from where I've spent most of the last week. I have a tree up. It's fake, fyi.

Somebody asked me what I was up to. I'm making ice. I wait for the ice maker to drop ice, then I move each batch into the fridge.

Someone kill me.

Cocktails... coming... up.

Merry Christmas.

Lunch Time...

Let's unagi it out, bitch:

Jeremy Piven's doctor blames high mercury levels on twice a day sushi habit.

Apparently there's trace amounts of mercury in sushi. This is why pregnant women shouldn't eat it. This story only settled one thing for me. I'm on my way to eat sushi right after I publish this post.

Update: I just broke open a thermometer and found trace amounts of sushi in the mercury. True story.

Customer happiness: Job #1.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The weather outside is... ah... fuck it.

View from my home office window

Missy the Cat, sleeping.

I'm chilling at the crib. Nothing critically due at my office or the shop for whom I work. I'm looking at some pretty snow outside. Gonna do some chores, bookkeeping, nap.

goochout.

Separated at birth?

Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Top) and Javier Bardem (Bottom).

I'm camped out in an undisclosed location as I endure what the local news has entitled "Arctic Blast 2008." I'm watching network television shows that my friend has on DVR. Typical chick stuff: Grey's Anatomy (which I've never watched until now), Chuck (a computer tech who works with the Feds... seems like a too familiar storyline).

I've had a couple of bloody marys and a beer. Wait on it... wait on it... second beer opened. Did Katherine Hiegl get her teeth fixed? Nice.

I'm out.

I'm Gooch.

At the Goochonline Annex

View from my office window.

Down the hall from a tattoo parlor and across the street from a 7-11. It's my Batcave. It's my Fortress of Solitude. It's my Neverland Ranch. It's fucking freezing.

I don't know how radiators work. I think this building has the last working radiator system in the north west United States. I think it's working, it's less cold in here then in the hallway. I can only tell because my testicles reside in my chest in the hall and only in my gut in the office.

If you haven't been keeping up, Portland, Oregon has been swept up in a snow/ice storm. I didn't leave the condo yesterday. I had to leave this morning. An office for whom I work part time said to stay home, so I'm capitalizing on the free time by getting stuff done at my office. I have three machines here in different stages of completion - all of them are overdue.

My only source of entertainment while working in the office is my Sirius radio and the Howard Stern show. I bought some ramen noodle bowls from the 7-11 and used the hot water from my water cooler to prepare it. This is as far into "roughing it" as I care to endure. I'm not a good campter. I have two computers catering to my every whim and I feel like I'm one of the pioneers. I'm truly a pussy. I did find a full bottle of DayQuil, which I've used to maintain a sorta legal buzz during my work here. I pretty much have mouthwash and DayQuil stashed throughout the city. Gregster can attest to my DayQuil stash, as I have a bottle stashed within 10 feet of his desk.

And God bless it: My 4x4 Ford Escape is not into starting smoothly in the cold. It does start and once its warmed up it runs fine. It has nearly 160,000 miles. I bought it with 26,000 miles. Keep in mind that 160,000 miles on an American vehicle is like 800,000 miles on a Japanese car. You just don't see it. Especially on a Ford.

You'll notice that I completed another Podcast. If you've listened to the Audioblogs that I've posted on this site, the Podcast would seem redundant. I have a couple of ideas for a full on podcast that's scripted and, well, funny. I'll have to do that on my next snow day. I need to break out my phone and interview some more strippers. That was good podcasting.

Back to the progress bars.

Goochout.

Bababooey.

gooch: the podcast #7

Holed up in his condo due to a snow storm, Gooch kicks out a digest of phoned-in audio blogs.

Feels like? Feels like my balls are sitting in my chest.

What's funny is that last night I went shopping in an attempt to "prepare" for being shut in. Of course, I only needed to get some frozen dinners, meat for the George Foreman grill, cat food, and beer. I already have enough alcohol to stave off the DTs. You'd think I was Will Smith's character in "I Am Legend." I should get a little treadmill for the cat.

goochout