At the 11:11

Why are there so many caffeinated beverages on the market today? Are we as a society really in need of more energy options? When did we get so fucking tired?

In an age of automated everything and lethargy becoming the stateful flavor of our generation, is there a need for more energy?

[maybe I need more energy to complete a sentence without an effing question mark?]

There's something wrong with this trend. When Jolt Cola came out in the 80s, I consumed it daily during middle school. Why? Because it was different and it was questionable whether school administrators wanted students drinking such a beverage. Now, the floodgates have opened. And why not? Caffeine is addictive and when you get someone hooked on an addictive product, well, ask any drug dealer how that works out. I used to get free energy drinks from promotional workers while walking the streets of downtown Portland.

Give it away first, and then charge for it. Gangsta marketing.

I love that there's not only a 5-Hour energy shot, but some other company came out with a 6-Hour energy shot in the same style bottle. As if the 5-Hour energy people are kicking themselves for not thinking of that extra hour and R&D are putting together a secret recipe for... wait for it... 7-Hour evergy shot (that's '7-Hour' with a capital '7'].

The ubiquity of caffeinated beverages has worked its way into the arrythmic hearts of boozers everywhere with the addition of alcohol to soda brands like "Red Bull" and "Rock Star." Before, when drinking, the asshole effect of overindulgence was tempered with the sleepiness common to the depressive nature of alcohol. Add guarana, taurine, and god-knows-what-else to the mix and you have brain-dead zombies looking to pick a fight, have semi-consensual sex, or just tell the person next to him or her how much they love them.

I guess I'm saying that since we're not doing anything more to require more energy, maybe we shouldn't consume more energy inducing products. It's okay to go to bed at a decent hour and wake up naturally in the morning. Sure, there are moments that require us to stay up late/wake up early, but drinking this shit like it's water is not the way to go/despite being marketed as such.

goochout.

Bedroom Fridge (April 2010)

Gooch at a Funeral...

I've never seen a marketing/packaging effort so elaborate for such a mediocre product as the 5 Gum campaign. The gum is expensive, tastes no better than, say, Big Red, and ultimately/unceremoniously dissolves in your mouth.

I bought a few packs on sale the other day. And passed some out to about four friends. I think the ultimate assessment was that the purchaser got an expensive box with edible packing material.



Check out the commercials... James Cameron could take some notes from these fuckers. It's... it's gum! You chew it to freshen your breath or in lieu of eating or smoking. If you put the previously mentioned Big Red in some fancy packaging, you'd get the same, um, experience?

It's unfortunate that this "black label" packaging concept doesn't contain a decent product. Tillamook white cheddar comes in a black package and costs a fortune... but it's pretty effing good. This gum and its packaging is analogous to putting Coors Lite in a Moet bottle.

Gooch:Out

The Smoking Gooch...

Last weekend, I attended the Joan Jett and the Blackhearts concert at Chinook Winds Casino in Lincoln City, Oregon. I'm not historically a big Joan Jett fan, but I thoroughly enjoyed the concert and have already pirated some of her old albums. Because that's why bands tour, right?

I looked up her and her bands "rider," or stipulations mandated in a contract signed by the venue that hired the band to play. If you paid Joan Jett to play at your venue/backyard, you'd have to agree to these requirements.

JOAN JETT AND THE BLACKHEARTS MASTER RIDER 2008

Stipulations such as:

On any JOAN JETT AND THE BLACKHEARTS dates that do not sellout it is forbidden to give that Information to Billboard, Performance, Amusement Business, Variety or any other publication.

In the event that your JOAN JETT AND THE BLACKHEARTS dates do sellout you are required to give this information immediately to trades outlined above.

And what food/beverages the band requires back stage:

GATORADE ORIG. RED (FRUIT PUNCH FLAVOR ONLY)12 BOTTLES (NOT FRUIT PUNCH BERRY)

The Joan Jett rider is pretty tame compared to other bands. Check out more on The Smoking Gun.

goochout.