Ohhhh... I haven't been this hung over since grade school.

WORD...

For my first column ever at Portland State University, I stated that the police should stake out the drive-through window at Taco Bell at three/four in the morning if they want to cut down on DUII.

I'll be God Damned if I wasn't in line at Taco Bell tonight (drunk off my ass, like I am while I write this) and watched as an Infiniti QX4 (SUV in front of me) full of 22 year-old brats was delayed long enough for the cops to show up. It was like COPS without the swearing... it was like the Rodney King video without the batons... The greatest gift of all was that I got the SUVs free food, since they weren't going to be enjoying it any time soon.

Thanks, Greg, for driving me around. Greg has a real job and has to work in the morning. I don't have a real job, or health regimen for that matter. Therefore, I eat and drink with the same aptitude that Rain Man does math. I don't think about it... I just do it a lot.

Also, I got a manicure and a pedicure yesterday. What do you think about that..? My cuticles have never looked better.

To anyone who tried to access this site last night, the following email (a response to someone telling me they couldn't access the site) will explain everything:

"I'm doing some system updates, adding redundancy to my server's disks the way I add redundancy to my deodorant every morning. I've had to shut down the server, restart the server, read through cryptic error messages... I always maintain that bullshit "I know what all of this means" look on my face even though I'm about to soil my Depends. It's a skill you don't learn in the Microsoft classroom... You HAVE to learn it on the street. Christ, I may use this email to you as a post on the website. I've had to shuffle TONS of porn around the LAN here. Not since I bought a new mattress in college have I moved this much smut."

There... professionalism to the core.

Is my Blog HOT or NOT?

I think that it would be cool to date a homeless chick. You'd have no problem getting her to your place... where else is she going to go? I could even use the pick up line: "My place... or mine." The last thing she ate would probably be something like dog food from a can, so it's not like she'd expect a fancy dinner. I'd probably splurge for Burger King... or Sizzler. When the date's over, I could drop her off anywhere. It'd be dating with an emphasis on economy and convenience.

--gooch