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You might be a redneck if...

You Might Be the Gooch If...

You've ever bought a large pizza for dinner on Friday and planned to have the leftovers for next day's breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If the above mentioned pizza didn't make it through midnight.

If you've ever pleasured yourself to workout videos.

If you've ever filed an insurance claim to get beer stains out of your car's upholstery.

If you've ever taken Trojan Enz condoms, zip ties, duct tape, and Gatorade through a checkout line to impress a hot cashier.

If you've ever had a restraining order against you from a hot cashier.

If you go through three cellular phones a year.

If you have your old fake ID framed and hanging on your wall.

If you've ever been out of breath after walking from your car to the front door of the gym.

If you've ever rewarded yourself for a good workout by ordering five cheese burgers at McDonalds.

If you've ever studied for a Rorschach test.

If you've ever failed a Rorschach test.

If you've ever taken a breathalyzer test in an attempt to get a high score.

If you've ever used a Listerine breath strip in lieu of brushing your teeth.

If you still brag about your high score on Frogger.

If you've ever embarrassed your friends and family by appearing cable access three times.

If you've ever turned down an apartment because the location didn't have DSL service.

If you've ever driven a car with flames painted on the front.

If you've ever pissed away an exhorbitant amount of time on your personal website.

I've been reading the last few logs I've spewed forth, and holy crap I'm one negative S.O.B.

Sandler sucks, J-Lo bites it, "They" blows, "Life with Bonnie" eats it...

'tis the season. Going to the Blazer game tonight, thanks to Marty at Skyland Pub. I'm hoping to hang around the Blazer locker room for a contact high. Speaking of Blazers, Ruben Patterson must be a fucking wife-beating Jedi Knight for the mind trick he did on his wife this week. Peep:

Last week, Patterson's wife, Shannon, called 911 from inside their Tualatin home. Here's a transcript of the call: "Yeah, I need to report an assault. My husband has just kicked my a**," Shannon Patterson told the 911 operator.

"I need to leave. He just tried to f****** choke me," she continued.

Police say she suffered a small cut on her left pinky finger and was choked by her husband. Officers also noticed several broken items scattered in the master bedroom and in the kitchen.

The next day, Shannon Patterson released a statement stating that the couple had a "disagreement" and that her husband did not assault her. She told police that she did not want to press charges" (What else did she say - These aren't the droids you're looking for?).

On Tuesday, Washington County prosecutors decided not to charge Patterson.

I'll be damned.

PATTERSON: DOESN'T WANT TO BE LIKE MIKE. HE WANTS TO BE LIKE IKE.

THANK YOUR ASS, J-LO. THANK YOUR ASS.

Well, the movie Wes Craven Presents: They blew ass. I was so appalled that the man that brought the cinematic masterpieces like Nightmare on Elm Street 1 through 5 could have been responsible for this crap. Turns out that Craven had nothing to do with "They" and only associated his name to the project to satisfy a contractual obligation (according to the movie chat rooms).

The new Jennifer Lopez song "Jenny from the Block..." also crap. What an unimaginative, unexciting, self indulging, over produced piece of garbage.

Is there anything more disturbing than the ABC sitcom "Life with Bonnie" where there's a make believe talk show? I mean, real talk shows need to be funny in an improv/ad lib sort of way. To see a show attempt to emulate this environment is contrived, confusing, and brings a word to mind that I just can't place my finger. Oh, yeah.

Crap.

A big thank you to the people who helped this site break it's monthly hit record during November. Thanks to the readers; thanks to drudge.com for their link to me., the celebrity of Sara Rue, police chief Mark Kroeker (both of whose names I purchased as domain names); and the movie Jackass, which put the word "gooch" in the mainstream vernacular.