I didn't feel old until I told a friend of mine that a lady he works with is "an older chick I'd throw it in" (meaning I'd have sex with her - but not now because I have a girlfriend).
My friend informed me that the lady in question is a year younger than me. I... I looked at a woman as "older," and she's younger than me.
Fuck.
I guess if you average the age of my, um, conquests (isn't it funny how you can preface anything with "um" and it's universally known that the word(s) to follow will mean sex?) for the last year or so; it's about 22. You make what you want of it; I have no idea. I didn't even think about it until I had to write that last sentence and pull out the masterlist.xls Excel spreadsheet.
My Birthday "Party" is tonight:
Montego's Strip Club.
My shift starts at 8pm
21 and over.
15826 SE Division - Portland
goochout.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Thursday, April 20, 2006
David Lee Roth is on the bubble in terms of his talk show and, perhaps, his talk show host career. He's a much better interviewee than interviewer. My friend Marty had a Stern interview with Roth on an iPod and we were dying laughing. I guess replacing the most celebrated media icon of all time with a washed up metal singer wasn't the most calculated move in broadcast history.
CNN Story
CNN Story
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
NEWS UPDATE 04.18.06:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spawn. Seven pounds, seven ounces, 20 inches. Have Katie Holmes parents filed an Amber Alert yet?
"Hey Honey... our daughter and our turkey baster is missing!"
So Cruise and Holmes... okay, who are we kidding. So Tom Cruise named his first biologically born child Suri which means "princess" in Hebrew and "red rose" in Persian. a little Goochonline research reveals that Suri also means "pickpocket" in Japanese, which is probably a roundabout yet accurate term for say... the entire relig-cult of Scientology.
Free personality assessment? I've got one for you, Tom: You're fucking nuts. Take a brochure.
Mission Impossible? Try Tom Cruise getting a hard-on in front of a chick.
My Birthday "Party" is this Saturday:
Montego's Strip Club.
21 and over.
15826 SE Division - Portland
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spawn. Seven pounds, seven ounces, 20 inches. Have Katie Holmes parents filed an Amber Alert yet?
"Hey Honey... our daughter and our turkey baster is missing!"
So Cruise and Holmes... okay, who are we kidding. So Tom Cruise named his first biologically born child Suri which means "princess" in Hebrew and "red rose" in Persian. a little Goochonline research reveals that Suri also means "pickpocket" in Japanese, which is probably a roundabout yet accurate term for say... the entire relig-cult of Scientology.
Free personality assessment? I've got one for you, Tom: You're fucking nuts. Take a brochure.
Mission Impossible? Try Tom Cruise getting a hard-on in front of a chick.
My Birthday "Party" is this Saturday:
Montego's Strip Club.
21 and over.
15826 SE Division - Portland
Tuesday, April 18, 2006:
8:15am: awaken in (presumably) the clothes in which I slept. It's daylight and I'm at home. I do the obligatory check out the window to make sure my car is in place (an observation I've had to make since the Subaru I drove in high school). All's well. I smell like an ashtray but not like strippers, which is good because I have a girlfriend now. Need to be a good boy.... fuck I'm nauseous.
8:30am: I know my friend Alicia needs a ride home from the auto detail shop and has been waiting for me for ten minutes, but I take the time to jerk off anyway. Gagging porn. Downloaded last week. Pretty good stuff. I fire off some knuckle babies into the nearest receptacle I can find (an empty wine glass - why don't I ever think about this important step prior to jerking off?).
8:53am: Get Alicia and her youngest son who resembles Cartman in so many ways and take them out for doughnuts. As I eat a cream filled I flash back to last night... I ate two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's on my way home from the bar.
Gooch.... you fat fuck.
9:14am: I decide to actually go to work today and hit the freeway. Get this: My friend Marty found one of my car alarm remotes while cleaning out his car. He saw my car ahead of him today, sped up to get close enough to me and started pushing buttons on the remote to fuck with my car. It didn't work, but mad props because it would have been funny as hell if it did.
9:38am: I get a call from a friend to whom I gave a Viagra for his, um, special weekend with his girlfriend. He had never taken vitamin V before and he bitched about the headache and the exacerbated hangovern- shit I forgot to mention. It did the job, though. It always does.
Sweet.
So now I sit in a semi cubicle. Greg needs to get his ass back here so we can eat. While I wait, here's the deal:
My Birthday "Party" is this Saturday:
Montego's Strip Club.
21 and over.
15826 SE Division - Portland
My shift starts at 8pm. Special girls have been ordered for the evening. I'll have the wireless mic, so I'll walk among you. Like Jesus, but with bad hair. Email with questions.
goochout.
8:15am: awaken in (presumably) the clothes in which I slept. It's daylight and I'm at home. I do the obligatory check out the window to make sure my car is in place (an observation I've had to make since the Subaru I drove in high school). All's well. I smell like an ashtray but not like strippers, which is good because I have a girlfriend now. Need to be a good boy.... fuck I'm nauseous.
8:30am: I know my friend Alicia needs a ride home from the auto detail shop and has been waiting for me for ten minutes, but I take the time to jerk off anyway. Gagging porn. Downloaded last week. Pretty good stuff. I fire off some knuckle babies into the nearest receptacle I can find (an empty wine glass - why don't I ever think about this important step prior to jerking off?).
8:53am: Get Alicia and her youngest son who resembles Cartman in so many ways and take them out for doughnuts. As I eat a cream filled I flash back to last night... I ate two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's on my way home from the bar.
Gooch.... you fat fuck.
9:14am: I decide to actually go to work today and hit the freeway. Get this: My friend Marty found one of my car alarm remotes while cleaning out his car. He saw my car ahead of him today, sped up to get close enough to me and started pushing buttons on the remote to fuck with my car. It didn't work, but mad props because it would have been funny as hell if it did.
9:38am: I get a call from a friend to whom I gave a Viagra for his, um, special weekend with his girlfriend. He had never taken vitamin V before and he bitched about the headache and the exacerbated hangovern- shit I forgot to mention. It did the job, though. It always does.
Sweet.
So now I sit in a semi cubicle. Greg needs to get his ass back here so we can eat. While I wait, here's the deal:
My Birthday "Party" is this Saturday:
Montego's Strip Club.
21 and over.
15826 SE Division - Portland
My shift starts at 8pm. Special girls have been ordered for the evening. I'll have the wireless mic, so I'll walk among you. Like Jesus, but with bad hair. Email with questions.
goochout.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Instead of drinking last night while DJing at the strip club I took a stripper supplied anti-anxiety pill which sucked all personality out of me. I hurried home after my shift, took a xanax and had a blissful nine-hour sleep.
Today is Easter where we celebrate the resurrection of Christ. You see, the Jews killed Jesus and then a little while later he woke up, said "what the fuck am I doing in this tomb," and moved the big rock sealing him in with the strength only associated with an adrenaline rushed pissed off 33 year old messiah.
I turn 32 this Wednesday. I woke up this Easter morning and didn't really think about getting up because there is no reason, other than to work out. Instead of being kept captive by a large rock, I have a wall mounted TV/VCR/DVD combo unit filled with South Park and porn to keep me safely in bed.
Happy Easter. I'm going back to bed. goochout
Today is Easter where we celebrate the resurrection of Christ. You see, the Jews killed Jesus and then a little while later he woke up, said "what the fuck am I doing in this tomb," and moved the big rock sealing him in with the strength only associated with an adrenaline rushed pissed off 33 year old messiah.
I turn 32 this Wednesday. I woke up this Easter morning and didn't really think about getting up because there is no reason, other than to work out. Instead of being kept captive by a large rock, I have a wall mounted TV/VCR/DVD combo unit filled with South Park and porn to keep me safely in bed.
Happy Easter. I'm going back to bed. goochout