I've got and office and a bar party to go to this weekend. That's it. I can say whatever I want right now... no matter how mundane it is... because I've got a picture of some chick's big ass leading off this blog. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. 1234567890. It doesn't matter. You're hypnotized. Nothing to say = gratuitous ass shots. Blah Blah Blah.

I've got the solution for teen pregnancy. Actually.. any pregnancy. Fedora hats and trenchcoats. Since before I was in high school, the fedora and trenchcoat have been erroneously associated with rebelliousness and independence. I've unerroneously associated them with geeks, nerds, Dungeons & Dragons, and never getting laid. I see you bastards downtown with your headphones on, presumably listening to The Cure and thinking about where you're going to buy your next 10-sided die. Think about where you're going to meet a chick. Plan now so you can get laid by 35.

Word. I just completed my first bootleg DVD using a program called DVD Shrink. Check it out, yo.

Three songs on the Windows Media Player: Flock of Seagulls: Space Age Love Song; Alphaville: Forever Young; When in Rome: The Promise. Eighties New Wave mode in effect.

I love the Sirius radio. Yesterday I received 100 shares of Sirius stock from my Father for Christmas. The stock is already worth $300 more than when he purchased it last month. There's a chance that prick Stern can help me retire before 35.

Meanwhile, another ex-boyfriend pounding on the door at the sight of the GOOCH-1 in the ex-girlfriend's driveway. Phone calls asking to answer the door rang from 2:00am to 4:30am. What am I supposed to do? answer the door? I needs my sleep. Yo.

GOOD SIGN THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.

I'm not even acting like I got the upper hand on anyone. Shit, I can empathize better than anyone. I felt bad, but also threatened and wanting to go to sleep. He should relax...I've been the "other guy" off and on for about a year now. I've gotten more rebounds than Wilt Chamberlain. It's not so bad. Oh well.

Went to see Modest Mouse last night. Great show. McMenamins staff can be pretty condescending. I called them on it, though. Just because you look like you haven't showered for a week does not make you better than me. Fuckers. It's my friend Bonnie's birthday today. Marty and I are pretty sure that she had a birthday a month ago. I guess we'll celebrate again. Bonnie is the girl from the "fight breakup" pictorial. Cool. Off to exercise for a minute.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONNIE

So I officiated the YMike/Jenna wedding on December 11. I got ordained on the internet and performed the ceremony. It was an absolute honor. Scary as hell, but once it was done I truly felt like I was part of something amazing. I thought that planning a bachelor party was the pinnacle of marriage ceremony bliss; this tops it for sure. I'm happy for Mike and Jenna and their families and, again, honored to have been a part of this event.

It's ironic that the wedding occured on the anniversary of my divorced parents' marriage and that I myself can't sustain a relationship to save my life... despite the fact that I just brought two people into a state of matrimony. Oh well... I'll figure this stuff out eventually. My latest reconciliation is looking like a crash-and-burn. At least I was given the opportunity to work through issues I had and maybe allow myself to have a healthy relationship someday. I've spent a lot of time being "the other guy" for several different girls. It's an okay scenario when you just want to get laid, otherwise it's painful. It's fitting for me but shallowness was only meant to be temporary.

Everyone that told me that my latest relationship endeavor was a bad idea should know that I appreciate their concern, but I had to figure stuff out on my own... and this is the best way to do it. No matter the outcome, I'm happier. Notice the self control that I've displayed for almost two weeks. No benders. I feel like I have a super-power; like I'm Moderation Man! I'm tired.

Moderation Man:OUT

Ymike's (The groom) Xanga Site